Thinking about it now, perhaps too much of my self worth has been being in a relationship with him. Hmm...
OK this is kind of what I thought.
I think you need to explore this some more.
This is something you can fix without a relationship and you must do that in order to enter into another relationship with anyone! If not you are likely to be doomed to failure.
Make sense?
Originally Posted By: Klassic
SHAME is at the root of all of this, and I'm actively working on that. I know I'll be a better person for all of this, but it hurts to know that he doesn't seem to care.
Thank you for all the advice 1gr8dad. Unfortunately, I already messed up yesterday. I went on Facebook and realized he blocked me. I sent him a text asking him about it and he said he thought since I didn't want to see him, it would be better if we couldn't see each other on there, either. I really wanted to tell him I thought it was an a$$hole move, but I said "OK, that's fine." and let it go. I guess that could be a baby step in the right direction since I didn't tell him off for it. lol
Klassic congrats and well handled. Yes a babystep 180 but very admirable nonetheless. The next couple of months will be all about babysteps in all kind of new arenas. WRT FB, this is probably a blessing in disguise and will help you detach for now.
Also, if he's dating I would say it doesn't take an expert to realize this is a futile attempt to replace a wife. If something happens it will either not last very long or end in disaster. It takes time to heal after a 13 year marriage; jumping into another R right after will likely have a poor outcome for him. There's no need for you to worry about this kind of stuff now. We turn over our WAS to God so that He can watch over them.
Also, I know how much it hurts you feeling that he seems to not care for you. I'm sure it's also hard for him being without you. I think he does care deep down, only that his pain and hardened heart will not let him show it because RIGHT NOW his pain of being with you outweighs the benefits.
I think one of the big challenges of separation is the grief of loosing the person who was closest to you, who had your back no matter what, who was your deepest friend and confident. Trying to swap them out with another will never work. What worked for me and was a hidden blessing is all the time I now have to cultivate my new life and strengthen my relationship with my Daughter, Family, and close friends, and make new meaningful relationships. This board also a way to feel part of an engaged community and also to give back to it and feel a sense of purpose. I don't NEED my wife, all I need is what is around me
Anyhow, for 1 week separated I think you are doing exceeding well. I remember I was a wreak: couldn't sleep or eat. Keep up the good work. Be strong. Avoid temptation. Rebuild yourself into Klassic 2.0: new and improved. If he comes back, and he probably will at some point, you will be in an amazing place to entertain reconciliation!
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
1gr8dad, your response helped give me the motivation to do what needs to be done.
Detach. GAL. Go dark.
I KNOW it's necessary, and as I type, he's on a date with one of his match people. This kills me inside, but I need to give it to God. Thank you, EVERYONE - who responded for your advice.
I can do this!!
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Klassic... it feels like by letting go that you are "allowing" them to move forward without you, but the truth of the matter is, they are already gone. By holding on so tightly, you only prolong your own hurt and pain, and make yourself look even less attractive to your spouse. If your H has asked you to leave him alone, you have to let him go until he is ready to work with you.
H is definitely going to need time to process and heal from the things that have happened in your marriage, and it may take an extended period of time. As a betrayed spouse myself, it took me close to two years to work through the infidelity baggage. For me, being cheated on was about so much more than just the physical act of my husband being involved with another woman (though that was unbelievably painful too). It was the lies and feeling like the entire foundation of my life had crumbled beneath my feet because suddenly nothing was how I'd perceived it to be. Not to even mention all the fun self esteem issues and low self worth that came as part of the package... I can understand your H seeking out new partners via Match for that reason alone.
All these things take time to work through, and the betrayed spouse can't just make them go away (although trust me, we really want to)!! I think you've made an awesome first step by getting help for your addictions and figuring out how you can avoid hurting someone in the same way in the future. Keep going in your efforts at becoming a better version of you, and give your H the time and space he needs to heal too. That is your best chance at repairing your marriage.
Anna B thank you sharing your insight. As hard as it is for Klassic to hear it is true. She should not give up hope but understand this journey will be a long one. And with the right hard work she will be better for it.
Klassic how are things coming on. We havent heard from you. How are u feeling?
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
