I haven't been on here in a while, but I guess I need some help.
My 13-year marriage just ended about two weeks ago. I am a recovering sex/love addict (yes, that's a real thing) and the addiction and my behavior associated with it is the reason behind my divorce. I had a two-month PA, and prior to that an EA with the father of my eldest son. So yes, I've been a dirtbag and I know and take full responsibility for it.
However, after getting diagnosed with my addiction, I wanted to fix myself so I would never do this again. I've been to therapy every week ever since, did at outpatient addiction treatment, and am working the steps while going to weekly meetings. I never wanted to hurt my husband, but of course with sex addiction the spouse is always the one to get hurt and take the addiction personally.
My question is this -- I have been the most needy, depressed, whiny, crazy ex-wife begging for him to not date other people so soon after our divorce. He's been on Match for about 1.5 weeks and we've been officially divorced for 2. He says he can't explain it but he NEEDS to see/date/have sex with other people.
Yesterday things got heated and he told me to completely leave him alone. He says he wants total separation and that he needs space to heal and figure things out. (We've been having sex this entire time and he admits he feels unhealthy and doesn't know if he's doing the right thing by dating so soon) He said he can tell that me waiting for him to figure it out is too much for me emotionally so he said that there is NO CHANCE for us to be together ever. But then I asked him if he meant it, and he couldn't say yes. I'm so f***ing confused. He told me I need to focus on me, and needs to focus on himself and that's it.
So do I just play by Sandi's rules? I know this sitch is different since I am the cheater, but I'm also the one who wants to repair the damage. I just don't know if the rules are even relevant to my situation. HELP?!
Please clarify Klassic, are you divorced or just separated?
Are you living in the same house still?
Take lots of deep breaths. Healing happens at the injured party's rate. That means your H is on his own healing timeline now. You can't speed it up. You can only focus on you.
Congratulations for taking the steps to work with your addiction, that's big. Stay focused on your sobriety for now.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I'm so sorry that your are here, Klassic, and for the situation you are in.
Your efforts to help yourself are very admirable. I agree with PigPen. You XH needs to heal, as I suspect you do, as well. Perhaps continuing to have physical relations with your XH is very confusing to both of you right now? Certainly pursuing him is unlikely to be a helpful strategy.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Klassic I'm in a somewhat similar situation to yourself. You can see my full story here.
The only difference is that my W and I betrayed each other in the MR. I stopped my addiction/behaviour but she continues her A and wants a divorce while I hope for reconciliation.
I know the turmoil you must feel on two fronts: the guilt of causing the one you love pain and then also dealing with the pain they are causing you by abandoning you and moving on seamlessly into another R. While some people may think we're getting what we deserved: you cheated, spouse left; no one really knows all the details and how the marriage broke down. It's typically said an A is a side effect of a growing deficiency in the MR. Sure that could grow into an addition and it almost always is when it comes to an A.
I've tried to get feedback from the community here on LRTs that should or shouldn't be used when the LBS is the one who betrayed (which is the case for both of us).
In a nutshell the LRTs are more for us: the LBS. This is regardless if the WAS is WW, MLC, or just done with the MR.
You need to detach. Why? He's asked you to give him his space. You must honour that.
PigPen and Phoebe hit the nail on the head. You both need time to heal. DBers would recommend "The Solo Partner" by Phil Deluca.
I know this is all easier said than done. But that's what fellow DBers are here for. Keep posting on your thread and anyone else's you follow. Good luck, I will be monitoring your Sitch and offering support where I can.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
I moved out in January, we are officially divorces as of two weeks ago.
1gr8dad -- thank you so much. It's nice to know I'm not alone on here. I will order that book right away. Detaching is so hard. I feel that by detaching, I am "allowing" him to move on and possibly fall in love with someone else - which is the LAST thing I want! I know I'm not in control of him whatsoever, but it just feels like by sitting back doing and saying nothing I'm okay with it all. Make any sense?
Right now, we are not communicating at all. Any texts about our kids go through my mom - she is like our mediator right now. I don't even see him when we swap our kids. This has been set up because he knows it's hard for me to see him (painful and evokes emotion). Should I go back to normal communication about the kids? Meaning not have my mom involved? Maybe what I'm doing still seems like I care too much? Should I be showing him that I can text him/see him without breaking down?
Finally, does "going dark" and Sandi's rules all apply here as well as detaching?
THANK YOU for all the help.
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
One spouse cheats, the other spouse detachs and moves forward with their life and the first spouse wants what they can not have.
It is also not unusual for one crisis to start a second crisis.
You can only control your portion of this. So I think you need to resolve some issues. Like why did you cheat, what were you looking for in your life to cause you to do this? Then you need to for give your self and your ex spouse.
I would say YES you need to follow all the rules that are here on DB. You need to learn as much as you can about what happened and about yourself. Make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
I know the why's -- (all childhood related, unresolved issues that I'm now working on in therapy).
Forgiving myself is tough -- like Tori Amos perfectly said, "I've got enough guilt to start my own religion." So, so true -and this is a work in progress. I'm well on the path to forgiving him, especially since I know he wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for my actions! However, the jealousy is killing me, and his wanting to replace me is torture.
Make myself into a person only a fool would leave?! What does this mean? Look nice, act nice?
ANY HELP is appreciated!!! xoxo
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
Klassic I hear what you're saying. It's so difficult surrendering control over to the Fates. Yet I feel this is a key lesson of the predicament we find ourselves in. Surrender what you cannot control, and focus on what you can: YOU.
Yes, it sux big time. But the sooner we are able to forget about focusing on the WAS, the sooner we are able to focus on changing ourselves. Gary D. Chapman (in his book hope for the separated) says the MR breakdown is likely due to a breakdown in one or more of the 3 areas:
1) Your relationship with God 2) Your relationship with your Spouse 3) Your relationship with Yourself
Now we can only focus on 1 and 3.
Klassic, one thing is for sure right now. The more you try to pursue him to come back, the further it will drive him away.
For me, I feel any chance of reconciliation will be in the long run. In the mean-time I am letting go of the rope and giving my WAW space to figure out what she needs to figure out while I work on myself and become the best dad I can be.
As far as communication, it will be up to you how to moderate interaction with your Ex and what you feel your boundaries need to be to protect yourself. These may change in time.
When you do communicate make sure you are well versed on 180s and Validation.
As a point of reference here is my instantiation of LRTs since we physically separated:
- Going Dark: I took this with a grain of salt as we still have to communicate about kids and finances. When we do communicate we try to do this mostly over text and e-mail. Right now for me and my mental health (like you) I prefer not to see her or hear her because it sets me back (right now). It's worth noting that the last month of Going dark has not changed anything on her side, she has seemed to go dark herself unless we need to communicate about kids/financials. I feel going dark for me will be good in the short term while I heal from the trauma of separation. At some point I plan on changing it up when I can handle more friendly interactions if only to improve our co-parenting relationship.
- Detachment: IMHO this is key for yourself to move forward. Detachment is the predecessor of acceptance and will be the hardest thing in your current stage. Perhaps using your mom as moderator for now gives you space to heal and reset. When you're ready you should move back to direct text/email communication. Ultimately it's in your children's best interest for the two of you to have a low conflict relationship. This is VERY IMPORTANT. I guess it is really till death do you part, so at some point you will need to at the very least maintain an amicable relationship with him.
- GAL: the partner of detachment. GAL as much as you can. Force feed yourself!
I know at your stage this is all stuff you don't like hearing right now. But trust the process. Cadet tells us that our spouse has given us the GIFT OF TIME. We have to use it wisely.
Good luck, keep posting.
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
Thank you for all the advice 1gr8dad. Unfortunately, I already messed up yesterday. I went on Facebook and realized he blocked me. I sent him a text asking him about it and he said he thought since I didn't want to see him, it would be better if we couldn't see each other on there, either. I really wanted to tell him I thought it was an a$$hole move, but I said "OK, that's fine." and let it go. I guess that could be a baby step in the right direction since I didn't tell him off for it. lol
Cadet - these are questions I'm still in the process of discovering the real answers to. Logical me says of course I don't "need" him or a relationship, but this is a process for me to understand it all. It all comes back to getting to know myself, loving myself, enjoying my own company, and ultimately LETTING HIM GO. That's what I'm having trouble with. I'm living in an unknown future and am creating scenarios in my mind where he finds the "perfect girl" and is head over heels in love with her and I am forgotten. For a reason I need to work through, that thought is unbearable. Thinking about it now, perhaps too much of my self worth has been being in a relationship with him. Hmm...
What I do know for sure is he has told me his heart has hardened for me. This could be temporary or it could be forever! I know the key here is detachment and acceptance. The Serenity Prayer has been a constant companion these days.
Working through my addictions is what needed to change. And I'm working them. Getting the therapy I need for the years of self loathing is what needed to change, and I'm doing it. SHAME is at the root of all of this, and I'm actively working on that. I know I'll be a better person for all of this, but it hurts to know that he doesn't seem to care.
Thanks again
Me 35 H 45 M 12 T 13 S16, S11, D7, D5 IDTB (I dropped the bomb) 9/30/15
