Backslide. What Now?

[mattdad]

Ok, as quick as I can.

She left last night claiming she got an uber. THe baby D3 screamed and begged "mommy please stay". "Mommy please do go uber" "I hate that uber". WW just pulled fee of her babies grasp, and left. As she walked passed me she touched me affectionately, and said "Ill be right back".

Before she left, while she was in restroom, I logged her phone back into the tracking app. THe passcode was her b-day. SHe thinks shes so clever. Or that Im an idiot.

Anyway she went straight to the AP house, and is still gone. About an hour ago she texted me saying she got me some pants, and new shoes, and some various things for the kids. When I didn't respond she texted "please don't hate me Matthew".

I said I don't but that I certainly don't TRUST her.
She said shell be home in about an hour, and I haven't slept, and am not thinking straight. My instinct is to either be totally cold to her, or actually confront her, and get on her case.

Im not sue if she has realized that I KNOW where she was. I would be greatful to anybody that can maybe guide me through how to handle her when she arrives. PLEASE?? She will be hear any minute, and I don't want to make it wose.

I know not to ASK her where she been. I know not to make her feel guilt, and shame. THATS HARD! Should I ignore her. Should I pretend Im not the slightest bt bothered?

Advice please good people??

[TxHubby]

You're a doormat. She's a cake eater. She's got you wrapped around her finger and goes off to get her jollies with other men. Is that the life you want to live? Because you're living it. Go ahead and play this as passively as you are and this affair will dig deep roots and make it almost impossible for you to fix your marriage. You can't fix a marriage that has more than two people in it. Nobody respects a doormat.

[Zues126]

I wouldn't confront until you're ready. You don't have to do that immediately.

First you have to figure out what you're ok with. For me, I would tell her flat out that I am unwilling to live in an open marriage, and that this is non-negotiable. That she has disrespected me and the family, and I will not allow that any longer. That if she isn't willing to immediately put an end to this and be 100% cooperative with a transparency plan and marriage counseling that I would be meeting with an attorney Monday. Then, if she gave any other answer I would refuse to be drawn into a conversation and would simply say that you aren't interested in discussing rationalizations from an adulterer and end it there.

But if you're not prepared to follow through, don't do it.

What are your boundaries? I know you want to save your M, but if she is unwilling to remain faithful to you, are you going to stick around and hope she changes her mind years down the road and then doesn't change it back again? Or are you willing to accept her behavior, and just be content to be roommates while she has a series of affairs, one of which she might leave you for, if that means you don't have to face an immediate loss today?

Your decision, let us know what you're willing to live with and we can help you.

[mattdad]

Alright Im so sorry these pots are o long, but I need to get proper feedback. In order to answer the question "what are my boundaries". Thanks to everybody. Im really messed up in the head right now, so please bare with me.

Maybe yall recall my other thread "Disgusted Stay At Home Daddy". If anybody wants to read the full horror story starting back in august dig that thread up.

In summery when I first found out (before I knew what NOT to do) I called OM. I informed him that she was married (which he didn't know) and my W freaked out, and attacked me. In my state of heartache, and confusion I stood there like a dummy, and kept letting her hit me. I would say "give me another one". :Come on another one, it hurts less than your cheating does". And so on.

The cops came and hauled ME to jail on assault charges even though I was beat the heck u, and she was totally unharmed. She gave them an official statement claiming I attacked her, and choked her unconscious. All untrue.

I was served the D papers while locked up. After I made bail I had a 60 day retraining order saying I couldn't go near her, the kids, or the AP. The INSTANT the order was up she begged me back home. I learned that she had been staying with OM, and had my kids either there at his house,or pawned off on various relatives, sometimes for days at a time.

Meanwhile I had spent the 3500 dollars I had in the bank on a lawyer who would handle my criminal charges. W was adamant that she was sorry, and wanted to keep me from any trouble. Claimed she missed me, and couldn't live without me. She went to the Distract Attorney, and admitted that she lied on the statement she gave. She admitted that she wanted me removed from interfering with her Affair.

The DA said she was welcome to withdraw the statement, but that she would STILL be pursuing a guilty charge. They didn't want to drop the charge. So over the next few months we would visit my lawyer, and he was confident that if she would come clean, and admit to lying that we could easily win a jury trial.

First of all Im AM INNOCENT of the charges. Therefore there is NO evidence, and/or witnesses. Secondly the ONLY thing the prosecutor has I a statement that's been withdrawn. The court wouldn't waste its time on such a foolish thing.

So weeks went by with her treating me like a king. I could tell that she DID mi me while I was away, but still, once every month or so I would accidently discover undeniable proof that she was cheating still.

(Thanksgiving cads with details about a certain date, and how fun it was. Letters in the glove box from OM. Receipts for dinner for two at the restaurant right next to his house.) As long as I could provide proof she would fall to her knees, and BEG forgiveness. S8 would stat begging daddy please don't leave". Keep in mind I need her to take the stand, and own up to her lies in order to be assured the charges get properly dropped. SO all things considered I stayed.

In mid December I discovered that she AGAIN had gone to see OM, and not just see him the email was talking about how fun the freaky, perverted stuff they did was. Apparently she was sodomizing him with sex toys, and calling him names, basically abusing him. He would text her to ask permission to take a shower. He was calling her Goddess. I literally threw up when I found these texts in her trash bin on her phone. Of course its kinda embarrassing to reveal this, but this is the facts of the sick, twisted A she was indulging in.

THat was the last straw. I started packing. She started begging. S8 started crying, and begging if he could go with me. It wasn't long into my packing that she threatened to side with the prosecution against me if I didn't stay. I saw little choice.

However this was when I was FINALLY able to put DBing into action. I started ignoring her completely. I didn't care. She was a twisted pervert, and a habitual liar. I really didn't want her. I cant ay I stopped loving her totally, but I did lose that Husband Wife love finally. I kept homeschooling the kids, and holding down the fort, but there was no affection whatsoever given to her at all.

Which brings us back to the to of this jumbled thread. After about 3 weeks of ignoring her, and walking away from her all night as she followed me around wanting to talk, she cancelled the divorce. Meaning that its gone. The papers are null, and void. As if it was never filed. Both our lawyers tried to stop us, because now the money we spent on them is wasted. IF we are to get a divorce now we have to pay them brand new fees.

This is when she sent OM the insulting, LONG letter ending the A. She kept telling me, and our respective family members that she had had a "great awakening", and realized that if I didn't love her, or want her that she couldn't bare it. It took my love actually dying for her to realize how much it meant to her. THis is when she voluntarily installed the tracking devices, and gave me the passwords to all her stuff. Along with daily promises that her sole mission in life was earning my trust, and love back.

So I cautiously gave her another chance. I was still very cold for about two weeks. My attitude was basically "Its gonna take a very long time for me to trust you again, and any microscopic slip ups will result in a reset back to ZERO trust".

Me being the sucker for love that I am I began to slowly start being more talkative, and friendly with her, and before long we are laughing, joking, having great fun with the kids every night as a family. Valentines day was our 10th anniversary, for the first time in a couple months I didn't deny her sex. She cried, and apologized over, and over. I assured her she was forgiven, but that trust was still very thin. She maintained that she would do right no mattr how long it took me to heal, IF ever.

Daily texts about how amazing I am, and how she dosen know what she was thinking. How when she thinks about me she gets chills. How she couldn't believe she betrayed a real man for a punk that liked to be dominated, and squealed like a girl. SO on, and so fourth.

Then we went to see my lawyer on the 28th of March, because I had official plea the day after. I could tell by his face before he spoke it was bad news. The DA had promised that if my W took the stand on my behalf, admitting she lied on her official statement, that she would be charged with perjury, and be without defense since it would be basically an admission. I mean she WAS GUILTY of perjury.

So our options were that one of us WOULD be guilty. Me of assault/family violence, or her of perjury. To make matters worse, in the beginning, when I called OM, and (like an idiot) challenged him to face me like a man, he had recorded it, and turned the recording into the law on a flash drive.

SOOOOOO my lawyer said even IF my W DID take her justified perjury charge there was still I high chance that the prosecutor would present the recording as proof that I am in fact a violent man, and we might BOTH end up with convictions. His final legal advice was that I go ahead and plead guilty, whereby he could get me a minimum of a year probation with a 500 dollar fine. He said in Texas, and especially in our county, that family violence is 90 something percent convictions when taken to a jury trial. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but he assured me that in a jury trial, in this county, if a woman accuses a man of attacking her that its a no win. Evidence, witnesses, reasonable doubt, guilt/innocence be damned. This county has a bloodlust for male on female violence convictions, and they are like vampires about it.

HE scared me. He said if we went to jury trial there was an 80% chance that I would do between 2, and 5 years in prison. He strongly advised me to take the probation. So the next day I plead guilty to a crime I didn't commit. After the hearing, my lawyer pulled my W, and I aside, and sternly told her that if she ever accused me of anything like this again that it would mot likely result in a very long prison sentence. He made clear that I am now a convicted woman beater. The letter of the lawa dosent care if its all a bunch of garbage lies. The letter of the law simply sees the guilty plea. Another one, and Im a repeat offender. A serial woman beater. A stone cold criminal violent menace,,,, EVEN IF ITS ACTUALLY B.S.!!!

Another MASSIVE key point is that if we do divorce at some point in time, as a convicted woman beater, I will have ZERO power in the determination of who gets the children, and how they decide on the division of assets.

You see when she filed the divorce I was the house husband, homeschooling, t-ball coaching, well liked, and highly respected leader of the community. Now I am the woman beater. Her lawyer told her in September that she couldn't really put me on child support, because I was the primary, and often times ONLY caretaker of the kids. Furthermore, SHE would have to leave the house, and most likely pay ME child support. It was looking like if she wanted to leave me, and go be with submissive army boy, that it was gonna cost her financially, and also mean she would have to see the kids on visitation days.

Now however if we split I CANNOT be granted custody based on this damn, false, crooked conviction. So she now has ALL the power, authority, and control over our marriage.

I should have mentioned all this in the first cost, but its just so much. For a couple days she cried, and moped around apologizing for the trouble she had caused, but it was April 3rd hen she stayed till 1:30 am like I mention in post #1. Then it was April 10th she started the A back up.

Now bare in mind she hasn't, and probably WONT admit to the A unless I catch her red handed. Like right now the tracking device says shes in his town. There is NO other reason for her to be in the town 50 miles to the south to shop like she says shes doing. She claims she tayed the night with her cousin who lives there. I know it thin lie, but unless I have proof she wont admit to it.

SO when you ask "what are my boundaries"? I have to say that I just don't know. I mean Im heartbroken that shes being a sneaky liar again, and sick, and frustrated, and don't want to stand for it. BUT, and its a huge but, WHat can I freaking do?

If I leave she has the power to ruin me now. More important is the fact that I cant trust her with the kids. During the separation she took them around total strangers she met online. My son saw people smoking weed, and having sex. OM was very hard on him making him stand in time out over every little thing. (OM is a staff Sargent in the Army) so hes all overly bossy, and thinks he needs to discipline another mans child. Hes use to giving orders, and having them obeyed blindly. Except with my W in which case he submits to her dominance. A weird psychological wrinkle I think.

The point is when shes not being right she cant be trusted with the kids. SHes unfit. She will put them in a bad situation.

I want to leave, and get a good job, and start over. Shes betrayed me at my lowest point in life after making grand promises. But I wont put the fate of my kids in the hands of an irresponsible liar. I feel my hands are tied, and shes taking advantage of her power.

[Zues126]

Mattdad, this stinks.

That said, for every situation, there is a best course of action. Maybe none of the roads lead to the result you want, but you have to do what you have to do.

I have dealt with some crazy women in my life. I've had two women in my life. My first girlfriend went crazy on me. She lied to me, lived a double life, left me for another guy, then tried to get back together with me. When I was out because I was then with my second woman (now XW), x-gf tried to break us up by pretending to be a friend of XW's through email and trying to give me 'evidence' that she was cheating on me, etc. XW was pregnant at the time. What kind of woman tries to break up a man and his wife who is pregnant with their child? I never spoke to her again but we were afraid of her. My XW actually showed her picture to the bus driver and school teachers and made sure they knew she wasn't a relative and couldn't take our children, just in case. She killed herself a couple of years later. Very sad story. The saddest part is that when we found out the first thing I felt was relief that my family was safe from her. The grieving came later, and yes, it disturbed me that while I was making love to my then wife, this woman whom I once loved, her body was buried somewhere decomposing.

But why I brought this up is that this crazy x-gf was a liar. She would lie to my face, refuse to admit things that I knew as fact and she knew I knew. I never saw anything like it before. Until I saw this video yesterday. It's long, but please, please, please for me...watch it. Trust me. The first few minutes drags on, but the phone call that is recorded is EYE OPENING in a way I can't explain. Go to youtube and search for "exposing how women manipulate men". There is a recorded example of a woman who has been caught on video trying to hire an assassin to kill her husband, and her husband SAW AND HEARD it all, and she KNEW her husband saw and heard it all...but still, she was able to get in his head, and get him to start apologizing for not being of more help to her, and other stuff. It was a truly shocking exposure of how susceptible we men can be to the almost hypnotic affect of women's guile at times.

I say all of this because it seems crystal clear what you must do.

Look. She's a liar. She's a cheater. She lies to your face when you both know she's lying, hoping her conviction and your desire to believe her will win out. She is a serial cheater, and despite the sincerity she had when she told you she was afraid of losing you, she continued to betray your trust. Loving you isn't enough. ACTIONS. Not words. Not feelings. ACTIONS.

You MUST protect yourself. Absolutely must. And there is no good talking to her. What good does it do to confront someone who won't even admit what you've seen with your own eyes, that will lie to you every chance she gets, and who even when she speaks the truth, betrays that truth later because of her selfishness and weakness? There is no good that will come of it. WATCH THE VIDEO. The guy was frustrated because he was trying to get a sociopath to act normal. That's a losing fight!!!

Instead, it is time for you to take action. Meet with your lawyer. Explain the situation. Tell L that you need to file D, and that you are concerned about retaliation and the safety of your children. Document what you can. Then do what you know needs to be done.

$ doesn't matter right now. You and your children do.

Even if WAW has another 'epiphany' and swears that she'll do whatever it takes, yadda yadda, don't stop. The only words I would speak to her would be "I'm not willing to live like this and I am not prepared to harm our children by setting the example of enduring such continued disrespect". If she really swears transparency again you can tell her "I'm not prepared to go through that again. Get your life together, quit sleeping around, drinking, and lying to my face. If you can grow up and act like a God fearing woman for a year or three, who knows, maybe we can connect again. If I'm single when you get your act together you never know. I hope the best for you and admit that it's a nice dream. But I'm not going to put my life on hold betting on it." Don't you dare worry about how she twists it, what she thinks of you, how unreasonable she thinks you are, how much she loves you, how much you mistreated her, or what she will do if you don't cooperate. If you succumb to her manipulation you will be hurting yourself AND your CHILDREN. You must detach and not care what stories she tells, she is flat out crazy and dangerous and you can't invest in her insanity.

I think if you meet with L you will be able to protect yourself and your family to some degree. Even if things go south and she frames you for abuse and you literally get sentenced, honestly, as horrible as that would be, it wouldn't be as bad as living in fear of a sociopath's control over you as she destroyed your life, mistreated you, and essentially ruined you in every way meaningful that a woman can harm a man. So to me there is no question. REGARDLESS of what she does or says from this moment on I would file D and not look back unless she demonstrated a YEAR+ of healthy behavior.

Tough to do. But the alternatives are tougher.

[TxHubby]

I wish I had known all that. Wow. That's a heck of a ride you've been on. I advise you to get off that ride. Document her horrible parenting, get full custody of the kids (that should be easy with her behavior), and move on. You owe it to the kids. Your W is a dangerous person to herself and those around her.

[trumpet]

Mattdad,

Dude, that is awful. I'm so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you.

Zues is spot-on. It will be hard, you love her. However, you HAVE to get away from the sitch, and bring your kid with you. Life needs to be about finding a good, solid upbringing for your son. It's what is right, and he deserves it.

Start the D. Don't look back until she rights her own ship. It will take a while. You gave her the second chance.

She blew it.

[mattdad]

Thing s I CANT get custody of my children. Lawyer says that it simply dosent matter if shes a pervert, or an unfit mother. The court WILL NOT give a convicted women beater custody. He says they always side with the poor, abused mother facts be damned.

[Zues126]

What is your plan? To stay in a loveless, sexless, trustless, roommate of a situation for 10 years while your WW has a string of affairs and flaunts them in your face?

Get a 2nd or 3rd lawyer, do what needs to be done, and deal with the consequences.

No, I doubt you'd get sole physical custody. But are you telling us that you'd be denied 100% access to your children? Do you really think that's what your WW would want? Even down the road after she gives up on manipulating you? Would she harm your children by trying to keep you from them and talking bad about you? EVEN STILL all you can do is get a good L, do what you CAN do, and let her deal with her own soul.

I recognize how hard your situation is but this victim crap is wearing very thin. What do you want from us? To all agree that you have been screwed and acknowledge that nothing we can think of to do or say will work because your situation is uniquely unfair, so you have all of our eternal sympathy? OK, you've got it. Did that solve your problems?

You don't have time to sit around and cry into your beer. Your kids need you. You can say "there is no option" but there is. See, time will keep marching forward like it or not. Not to decide is a decision to sign up for more of the same.

[mattdad]

Im not asking for sympathy at all. Im not crying into my beer. Im giving accurate facts. All I wanted was advice, which I have gotten. It [censored] to see that this sitch is to the point that the only advice is to get the D. Seems beyond salvation.

I gotta make a few points.

First, Its not a sexless marriage. She is constantly throwing herself at me. She obviously lusts for me. Plus IF I ever get in the mood she has NEVER denied me. She always been eager to please me in that way at any time.

ALso Im not prepared to say its loveless. Its just not that M kind of love anymore. It was once for sure.

Another point is that she dosent "Flaunt her A in my face". SHe denies it. Covers it up. Hides it. In fact I wish she would just go ahead, and flaunt it. That would be honest at least.

Now, as far as my plan goes. Its tricky, because I have court in a couple weeks. If they decide to lock me up then any plan I make now is irrelevant. If they decide to give me probation, then it must be decided what the terms are. The charge carries a minimum of a year, and a maximum of 10 years. Plus a fine not exceeding 10,000 dollars.

If I get the probation my plan is to either get a place of my own, or move in with my sister who has been asking me to for a long time. She feels safer when Im there. ITs a dangerous neighborhood, and shes a tiny little woman all alone.

I cant make any concrete moves until I know what the sentence is. Zues is correct that I have to get a different L. Its one of the most disappointing parts of this sitch. This guy is famous in the county for being a bulldog, and hardly ever losing a case. I felt sure the charges would get dropped with him in my corner. He just seemed very confident that these kinds of cases are a no win for a man in this county.

Now I also KNOW that my W wouldn't "keep my kids from me". In fact she would prefer that I have them. SHe dosent really spend any time with them anyway, and when she does she has a very low level of patience with them. Its like they just annoy her after a few minutes. Im sure she would rather just see them for a little while every now, and then at her convenience. SO if I get probation its possible that they can come with me. Right now its just a waiting game until court. My fate is in the hands of the judge.