Backslide. What Now?

[mattdad]

Ok, so I was having trouble a few months back actually DOING the DB methods. One day I simply woke up, and realized I didn't love her the same anymore. It was then that I was able to dethatch, and follow the instructions in the book, and on this board. It was ONLY when I really didn't care what she did. When I was OK with losing her. Once I actually didn't give a damn anymore it was easy to do DBing.

The results were staggering. She cancelled the divorce. She wrote the AP a long, and nasty letter insulting him, and saying how disgusted she is with herself for letting him use her. Telling him how grateful she was to be married to me, and rattled off a list of reasons Im better than he is. She voluntarily gave me access to all her stuff(email, phone bill, phone), and put a tracking device on her car, and phone. She claimed she had had a great awakening, wanted to PROVE to me that I could trust her, and it seemed like she was being real about it.

Everyday she would say "please forgive me, and love me". She would praise me, and uplift me. We began to get along better every week that passed. Our family was doing better than it has since the affair started. Now that's not to say I fully trusted. I always had in the back of my mind suspicions. I just stayed friendly, and kept a carful guard up not to become TOO loving.

So that was all right after new year. That's when she had this so called "awakening". So as time goes by Im looking at the tracking stuff, and shes either at work or home at all times. She really seemed to be trying to prove herself. I eventually stopped even checking. I was still hurting from the lying and cheating, but she seemed legit.

Anyway about three weeks ago he began to do this UBER where you give people rides like a cab driver. She was making a lot of extra cash, and really enjoying it. I couldn't help wondering if maybe it would be an excuse to get out of the house late. Sure enough she started only getting UBERS at like 10 P.M. or late, and would come back home at like 1 or 2 in the morning. That's when I started checking the tracking devices again, and it seemed ok. She would be all over the place. From campus to some residential area, or Wendys drive thru, or whatever.

Then about a week ago I checked it at 1 in the morning, and she was in a bar. The satellite imagery showed a little circle that said within 2 yards of here, and it was IN that bar. I checked again at 2:30 and she was still there. So clearly she wasn't doing uber. When she got home she wanted to have sex, but I wouldn't let her. She got mad and went to sleep. I didn't confront her, or accuse her, I just denied sex. She was like "I been out working all night to make us extra money, and youre being mean to me".

The next few days it was the same thing, so I finally hit her up about it, and her response was " that's weird I was never in that bar I just sit in the parking lot waiting for uber riders. That tracking device is just off". So I didn't push the issue.

Which brings us to the night after that which was Friday. She came home from supposedly doing ubers at about midnight, and she had a paper wristband on that said "drinking age verified". SHe was caught red handed. Her excuse was that she went in to use the bathroom. I didn't make a big deal out of it. Saturday she slept most of the day, and was wanting to hug, and kiss me when he got up, and I didn't kiss her. SHe got mad saying shes been doing everything she could to earn my trust the past few months, and I still have issues. She persisted in trying to get my affection. I would hug her, and say I love you too, but wouldn't kiss her on the mouth.

So Yesterday was my birthday, and she left that morning, and came back about 3 P.M. with A BUNCH of gifts for me. I didn't really jump for joy, because I was sad from the lies. SHe took offense, and called me ungrateful. I said Id rather be able to trust my wife than get a thousand dollars worth of gifts. That's when she blew up and said "Im NOT GOING THERE WITH YOU!"

She left saying she had an uber, and shortly thereafter I got an email saying the tracking app on the phone was cancelled. So for the first time in about two months I checked her phone bill, and sure enough shed been talking to her AP the last few days. I called, and it went to her voicemail. I left a calm, and short message saying IM not a fool, and I wanted to trust, but now I cant. She responded saying shes not coming home, because she dosent have to deal with my insanity.

So its pretty clear she went and stayed the night with the AP. The A is back on after 4 months of seemingly good behavior.

[MoveFrwd]

When she got home she wanted to have sex, but I wouldn't let her. She got mad and went to sleep. I didn't confront her, or accuse her, I just denied sex.

So did you guys go to therapy or anything after the first affair? How did you work to improve your communication?

It looks like there was nothing done to re-strengthen your marriage. Just a vow to "do better"....

[mattdad]

No we never went to therapy. I suppose that was a huge mistake.

[Cristy]

Hello Mattdad,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It isn't too late to get things back on track. Healing from infidelity can be challenging without the right support.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Please call me to discuss our DB coaching program at 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[mattdad]

Please don't be offended but I simply cant afford anything like that.

[LiM]

Mattdad,

There is still a lot of help here even if you can't afford the coaching. Tell us more about your story.
You are probably back at square one but that's ok if you still want to fight for your M. First step is to read the book again and start putting the tools to work. Detach. You've done it before so you can do it again. It seems like maybe you let her back too easy the first time. You won't make that mistake again. There are lots of people here that will chime in to offer their advice and support you while you work your way through this mess.

[GWH]

Mattdad,


Keep posting there is a lot of advice here from people who have been around the block sort of speak. They know what works, and what does not work. Like LiM said read the book, and put the tools to work. It does sound like you let her back to easy the first time. We are here for you brother.

[Stormchaser]

Agree with the others, keep posting.

If its any help, tracking devices aren't always 100%. I have a GPS on my work van and it shows me in a lake sometimes. There are glitches. Could be she truly was in the parking lot waiting for uber rides. Same for the wrist band. "Drinking age verified" is something I've had to wear, even if I wasn't drinking when I went into a bar. I know it sounds sketchy, and I'm not defending your W, but I can see both sides here.

As for the AP, if it shows she texted him - you said you have full access to her phone, right? Can you see exactly what was texted?

[mattdad]

OK a little more on this sitch.

She got home yesterday morning, and started getting ready for work. She said "Im sorry I ruined your birthday". THen she started getting ready for work.

I ask why she had been back in touch with her AP, and she said "HE contacted ME". When she got in the shower I looked in her phone, but it had a password on it for the first time in months. So she had me locked out of her phone....Again...

I confronted her, and she just kept repeating "Matthew YOU DONT WANT ME". She claims Ive been "pushing her away for a long time". That she has "tried her hardest to gain my trust, and I still have suspicions".

I told her that my suspicions were confirmed when I caught her in another bar. Her response was that she had been working at the bar checking IDs. That she had been lying about it because she knew I wouldn't approve. So NO she wasn't just sitting there waiting on uber riders.

She went to work, and I start getting a flood of texts from her.
"Matthew you only want me when you think youre losing me".
"Ive been desperately seeking your approval and haven't gotten it".
"Oh youre ignoring me? I don't even care anymore".
"Im broken damaged goods and I don't need a man in my life".
"I know you think I cheated last night but YOURE WRONG!"
"Ive tried and tried but you refuse to make me feel important".
"Its funny how you become concerned when I push YOU away".
"I tried being there for you but you don't want it".
"Until you think its gone".
"Go find a sexy little skinny bitch you been stringing me along long enough".
"Go ahead".
"You confuse me you know"

All this with no response over the course of about 20 minutes. SO at this point I responded "You confuse me. I just want to be able to trust the woman I married".

Her response was "I feel clouded. Stuck. In a daze."

Then about 5 hours later she texted me asking if I was ok. I told her im fine. She said its "clear I want somebody else. I told her all I want is to be able to trust my wife. TO have her respect, honesty, love, and lust ALL to myself.

She responded that she had "been giving me all that but it wasn't good enough". THat she was "sorry she lied, and it was the first lie since the A ended."

She got in last night at about 11:30. She said she had been giving uber rides. Keep in mind the tracking thing has been cancelled. So I don't KKNOW where shes been. I just said OK. I wnt into the living room, and was watching a fight when in about 10 minutes she came in there asking me "what my plans are". I told her my plans were to continue taking care of our children with love, and enjoying them. To hold down our fort like always.

This morning when I woke up she was staring at me. Telling me Im so handsome, and in such great shape that I can get any woman in the world. Saying she understands why I push her away.

Its driving me nuts because I HAVENT BEEN PUSHING HER AWAY! That's all nonsense talk. The last few days I have detached a little because I found out shes lying, and contacting the AP again, but up until then things were better than they been in a while.

I looked her in her eyes and asked her with all sincerity if she had cheated again, and she swore she hadn't. Said she stayed the night at her friends house Sunday. I told her to let me see her phone, and she was reluctant. She was being a smartass by giving it to me with it locked, and smirking. I said open it up and let me go through it. She just smirked an evil little smile, and said she didn't see the point.

I said she is clearly hiding something, and If that's the level of respect she has then so be it. SO she went into it, and fooled with it for about 2 minutes THEN handed it to me, and said "I don't know what you think youre gonna find".

Obviously she cleared up any evidence. She knows Im no fool, and since theres no point looking in her phone AFTER she fiddled with it, I declined. When I asked why she messed with it first instead of just showing her husband her phone she responded "because I don't want you calling nobody with it".

Now that's a key point because during the A, before I read the book, I would call the AP, and scare him off. After twice he just stopped answering my number, so I would get her phone and do it. It worked. He would cower away, but after a couple weeks each time SHE would hunt him down, and begin the A again.

So I asked her what it was she wanted. She said she dosent know anymore. I ask how things changed so suddenly, and she claims its been gradual. That's bull! Just Thursday we were laughing, and doing mad libs as a family, and enjoying each other. We were making love every night, and she was CONSTANTLY praising me, and uplifting me. Telling me how great I was, and thatnking me for how forgiving Ive been. GUSSHING over me. I could see in her face how deeply she cared for me, and how thankful she was to be loved after all her betrayal. I have been patient since January when the A ended. Still I have moments of the blues, but for the most part I control my emotions. The point is this recent development happened very suddenly.

It was seeming kinda perfect. Then there was a little lying. Still though, she was being very loving, and even desperate to know I cared for her. Following me around like a puppy wanting attention. Constantly jumping all over me the instant we got the kids put to bed. All up till last Friday when I was lied to, and started becoming detached. Sunday morning, the morning of my birthday, she went out clinging to me, and hugging me. Saying please love me. Then when she got back (after re-establishing contact with the AP) she was a TOTALLY different woman. You all have read the rest of the details.

All this talk about how gradually she has been changing, and how I been pushing her away, and she hasn't felt wanted dosent really add up. What it seems like is that she got caught lying, was contacted by the AP, and as a result she is now "confused" again. I also feel almost sure she stayed at his house sunday night. I cant prove it. I just think my paranoia is reasonable.

I know this is long, and IM sorry. Im just really tore up AGAIN, and I always kinda felt this would happen. She seemed so genuine though.

[GWH]

She's making excuses for her own behavior.