Just finished reading some old stuff. I miss talking with some old friends on here...y'all helped me more than you will ever know.
It took me a bit, but I am slowly coming to the realization that the past 10 years have pretty much been a lie. That is the hardest thing to swallow. Maybe she was truthful (to an extent) in the beginning, but as this unfolded more and more lies came out, and some that she doesn't even know that I'm aware of. It's like I married someone who completely changed so much - or maybe she changed who she really was during our dating and early marriage that her true colors started showing. At any rate, it's done and in the past.
All I can do now is look forward. Maybe I will restart my journaling. I have a few models that need finishing. The sunshine is there, I just need a bit.
Ever have a what if? Lately those have been coming frequently - some about my W and some not. I have also come to realize that that this situation has made me a little crazy and pushed away some great people and and awesome one in particular. Sigh. Lessons learned, I guess.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hang in there brother. This s ucks, and takes time. My STBXW still has that hold too even though i keep telling myself i'm detached, but really i'm not. I just keep working at it.
I know what you mean about the what if's. Those thoughts have plagued me since the BD.
I know they are not productive thoughts as they trap us in the past. My goal is to acknowledge the thought and let it pass promptly as I get really down if I let it play out in my mind to long.
Hang in there my friend you have come a long ways and there is still many great things in store for you if you stay on a good path looking towards a bright future.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
This grieving process is really kicking my ass! Where there was anger and hate, now there is nothing but sorrow and love. To paraphrase an old Mash episode where Hawkeye was talking with an old flame - she broke my legs and I hated her, passionately. But as time passed I got over the hate but not the love...
And that's where I am. I am unable to separate personal feelings from the divorce process and treating it like a business like some on here suggested at one time. And I feel so guilty for filing that it's eating me up like nothing before. I'm glad no one is here to see me now. I made the mistake of looking at old stuff again...
I'm no where near as strong as I thought I was months ago. I guess it's the finality of it all. I'm having way to many dreams about family now. I'm not sure I have the strength in me anymore.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I think I will write her THE letter. I want her to know that the door is still open no matter what had happened. I realize that we both had made mistakes. Maybe she won't even read it at all. I guess something like that couldn't hurt, could it? I keep hoping that maybe she will come around. I guess it's a pipe dream, though. We were supposed to grow old together, you know? Ugh.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Jeep. Write the letter then burn it. You not giving yourself time to let your feelings settle Firstly you do not want this version of your W back. , you deserve much better.
You both made mistakes but only one of you acted in a horrible manner and disrespected the other.
Only you know if you can truly get past what W has done but you are not in a place to decide that yet.
Give yourself time to accept what's happenedc and let your feelings settle
Please do not send the letter , it will achieve nothing but show W you will accept anything she does
The W has to come from the fog first and realize for herself the mistakes that you both own. You are owning yours and then some if I am understanding correctly. And I say this because I relate very much so to that. We can only own what we own and work to be better based on our own self reflection.
Hang in there and get it out, for your own therapeutic reasons, but do not share with her. No good will come of it until she is in the right place. And if that ever happens, she will let you know.
All of this IMHO.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I guess that the letter isn't such a good idea. Thanks for the input on that. I am really struggling now.
I feel so guilty about my terms in my paperwork concerning the kids. I believe that they should see their mom and offered what I thought was a fair arrangement. But the thing that concerns me very much - even though I would like to think that she would her best for the kids - is that what happens if she snaps or falls into that pattern of dating questionable people. What do I do with that?
A friend told me that I have no reason to feel guilty but I'm not so sure. I just can't bring myself to go for her throat in the D process. I am just so torn. I guess I am still stuck on what I used to remember of her and our relationship.
Oh how I wish she would have been upfront with me before we got married. I just know that things would be different. I just don't get how someone who once said I was her world and love me more than life itself can turn into this.
And I still don't know how to separate personal feelings from the divorce. I can't bring myself to hurt her. Here is a stupid thought - for some reason I have it in my head that if I stand strong with my demands that it will drive her even more away. Does that happen? Could it be a true final nail? Or should I ease up in hopes that she will see it as being a good sign? Maybe I'm just dreaming. I'm not going for full custody - just primary physical with joint legal and fair visitation. I am very concerned about certain mindsets in her family, too, as they made it clear that they want me out of all lives, including my children.
Am I doing the right thing? I feel that the kids should see their mom. But I'm also worried...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
It's been a long time since I have posted or even logged in. Things are running way to fast for me now. By this time next week the papers will be signed and it will all be done.
I'm freaking out over the holidays. My kids are still so young and believe in Santa. And they still believe in us as a family. I can't imagine not going to bed with them and their excitement over Christmas Eve, or watching them wake up to see what's under the tree. I'm so scared that this will destroy their innocence and childhood.
You know, at least I can say I tried to make this work and save the marriage. I'm not saying the advice here was bad, in fact it was the opposite - there are some great and wonderful people here...maybe it's just that my situation was so unique that the things I tried and the advice I followed was counter-productive. Who knows.
But, as they say, all good things come to an end. I miss my wife and I know I'll live on without her as I must for my kids sake. Everything is about them. Everything. I try to speak well of her to them, and that's a hard thing to do given what transpired toward the end of our marriage. Sigh. Maybe one day.
One thing I realized is that I lost who I am. I don't even know that anymore. I'm just trying to be the best Dad I can be. That's all I can do. She took the best part of me and crushed it under her heel. And I've done many things that I regret since Christmas and used some very nice people for some not-so-nice things. It's almost like in some way I've become what I resented. I don't even know who I am anymore. Hope? Funny thing about that, I still am holding onto hope that this marriage will somehow restart. I told her that maybe we should stop this and try again and the response was "why drag out the inevitable? It will only hurt the children in the long run."
Its funny how hopes and dreams are smashed just like a bug on a windshield. I was blindsided at her request for a divorce. I was blindsided of the affair and the revealing of her childhood abuse. And for over a year I tried to practice the advice from this board - oh I managed to detach just fine and such and only have contact concerning the kids - something which she was more than fine with.
She was my best friend and truly the love of my life. And in some form she still is and always will be. I miss her more than I ever thought possible. I never wanted divorce, even after finding out about the affair. I hate all the reminders that pop up about the past. I hate FB and its reminders when old pics/posts pop up. Most of all, I hate myself for destroying this marriage. Looking back, I fully realize my mistakes in the marriage. I take the blame for my part. It's just that I never knew of her abuse and all she has suffered until after she said its over. Looking back, with that info in mind, there are so many things that I could have done differently. And that's a cross I have to bear and it weighs oh so heavily on my soul.
There have been some great people whom I have met, and re-met so to speak. I've been asked out quite a few times and turned them all down or used them very unfavorably. I hate myself for that, too. Maybe another time or place, but not in the future I see. The idea of even getting back into the dating world almost turns my stomach. I can't even fathom that, nor do I care for another relationship. Will that change in time? Who knows, but not now. There is a lot of bitterness and my trust in others has so utterly been destroyed that I may not ever recover from it.
So here I am. On the eve of the final crushing of my dreams and life as I know it. Just want to be the best Dad I can in such a f'd up world.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
