Jeep, bounce it off of us!! You are so great with giving me inputs whenever I feel confused about how I should respond. Also, my DB Coach offered the idea of a 48 hour rule. When the WAS does or says something that makes you crazy, makes you want to throttle them even, stop... let it sit for 48 hours... feel free to come here and share with us, and then you will have a cooler head.
She is the one out of control, so show her that you are the grounded one. Even if she doesn't respect that now she certainly will when she begins to see the destruction she caused after the dust settles.
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
It's supposed to get easier, not harder. Giving up is the hardest thing to do, yet it is the smartest.
I'm struggling just to keep my head above water, and with myself still being unemployed it makes it that much harder. I haven't given her the papers yet - I just can't bring myself to do it.
Maybe some of you can help me get a read on this - I am not so sure she isn't changing her tactics. She is a lot more careful now in her texts - I have learned to get all convos in text as per my lawyer. I think she is being coached on that end. But that isn't what's odd. She worked Friday and Saturday, so came up yesterday from FL yesterday. She wanted to take them to lunch like usual, but this time she asked if I wanted to go which hasn't happened in a long, long time. And we spent the day doing stuff around the house like cleaning and yard work. Also, she was a lot more friendly than normal, too. In all honesty, yesterday seemed like it was before BD. Ugh.
But - and there is always a but - she had asked me to get a box from the attic, which I did. Sitting on top of said box was a box of our wedding invitations, just out in the open. I didn't say a word about it and neither did she, but I didn't put it there in the open.
I know I shouldn't read into anything and maybe she is playing a cruel game with me.
Any way, she did her usual last night - let before my son fell asleep. It was very sad to hear him ask her why she had to go and why couldn't she stay. And once again, she failed to answer fully. But, what was different, was that she actually came back here when I got them up to get them ready for school (before 0600). That is the first time that ever happened. She is also in the area today but isn't spending it with me. Oh well.
I'm struggling with the fact that our relationship and marriage isn't coming back. I am so torn between loving and hating her - is it even possible to do that at the same time?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I can't help but feel this whole thing is my fault and that if I had done something different that maybe we wouldn't be where we are now... I understand that my wife is most like beyond repair with her issues. Maybe if I had just been able to see what she was going through - after all, we were supposed to be together forever, right?
I'm not sure how much further I can fall. It seems like each time it gets harder and harder to stand. I'm still without work and my W is pushing divorce. Maybe its because she is trying to really hit me hard and doing what she can to make sure she gets the kids. If I don't get work soon, I'm not sure I can put up a fight legally for them. Ugh.
This weekend she comes to visit and accidentally reveals 3 new tattoos. She had one before we married but never mentioned that she wanted more. Ever. And now she has three more. What does all that mean? Is it kind of like her going wild?
I know there isn't saving this marriage anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I miss her. Having to go through information for my lawyer brings back so much stuff from memory.
Maybe, as my IC says, there really wasn't anything I could have done. Maybe she is just not wired for family life. So many things go through my head. I look at my kids and they believe. They believe that she is going to come back and we are going to be a family again. That hurts more than anything else.
Sorry if this post was weird. Maybe its just one of those days.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, I live with those same thoughts constantly, but you need to remember: At least 50% of the fault is hers. Nothing is 100% yours. Actually, if you are unemployed wouldn't it be to your advantage to file for D now, rather than after you get a job? Check with your L but your WW may be required to pay you child and spousal (if you have it in your state) support.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Thanks for responding! I'm not sure on that. My L said one of the first things the judge will ask is how will I be able to support myself. He is confident I can win primary custody (with joint visitation), but it may get costly.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hey Jeep! Just catching up a bit in your sitch. Sorry to hear things are so tough at the moment.
Thank you for taking the time to reply on my own thread. I've posted you a reply on it. Sorry it's taken so long, I've had a very up and down week. And apologies in advance if what I've written isn't anything new.
Thanks, Focus! I replied in your thread if you didn't catch it...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yesterday was probably one of the most difficult in my life. Met with my L about the D and the paperwork my W sent. I guess this will get to be a nasty fight, which is something I truly do not want. Her paperwork had some truly out there and delusional requests, and actually some I agreed with. That's when the reality of it all hit me like the heat did when first stepping off the plane.
I realized, in the meeting, that even after all she has said and done that I still love her so very much. And that's what makes all of this so painful. I have given her every chance that I possibly could. A simple apology would have gone so far in this process - not saying that the D would have been averted, but who knows.
If she had only told me about her abusive past so long ago instead of waiting until after BD I could have taken a different approach to her and our marriage. As damaged as she is, I still would have stuck with her. Going through all our stuff and looking back I never even saw a hint of trouble. All of the pics show her - and us- as being a happy family. However, there are some where she was unaware that a pic was being taken and the look on her face -especially after knowing what I do now - almost seems disturbing and distant. Damn.
Maybe I should have paid more attention to things. It's almost as if she is two completely different people. When she puts on her uniform, she is all business. Yet, when she is in civvies, she is almost the complete opposite - somewhat timid and easily led. And when the two cross, it isn't pretty...she's had a complete breakdown a time or two after BD that was one of the most painful things for me to watch, yet she wouldn't even allow me close enough to just simply hold her.
I'm not so sure that this D process won't send her over the edge, which scares me quite a bit. I realize there isn't anything I can do - or possibly even could have before - to save this marriage. Some of my terms may seem harsh but it seems like I have no choice, as I am very concerned about the kids. I just don't know anymore.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Hi Jeep. Sorry your so down This is a tough time but you seem to be putting a lot of blame on your shoulders.
Your W has atleast an equal share in the breakdown and form what you've written , more. The situation is as it is and all Jeep can control is himself Use that control. Become the best Ieep possible and let the future unfold. None of us expected to be on this forum but it happened , anything is possible is the future so relax back from blaming yourself and do things in your life that you want to do
Your journey is far from over , Jeep will come through this and prosper whatever the outcome
I guess I do put a lot of the blame on my shoulders. While I realize that her issues in some part created - or heck, maybe even totally - this monster, there is some part of me that will always ask what I could have done.
It is my hope that she will accept my terms and changes, but I fear this is headed to court. Honestly, part of me feels guilty about this hell that is about to be unleashed. I am having a hard time removing personal feelings and treating this as a business type experience. And there is still the hurt and shock that she is running full steam ahead into D.
I'm trying to keep my head up but all I see are clouds. I wish this nightmare would go away! But, it won't. I'm all about my kids and always have been.
What is this freakin hold she still has on me?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
