The OM moved to the other side of the country 9 months ago. When can I rule him out as a factor? I went to my therapist yesterday. He says that from everything I tell him, that her heart is closed off to me and once that happens there is no going back. He says I need to accept that and move on.
The OM moved to the other side of the country 9 months ago. When can I rule him out as a factor? I went to my therapist yesterday. He says that from everything I tell him, that her heart is closed off to me and once that happens there is no going back. He says I need to accept that and move on.
OMG - Fire that therapist. Never see or speak to him again. He has zero understanding of infidelity.
This is actually a consequence of your failure to confront and expose this situation when it first arose back in Dec. 2014. Your wife has never had a mirror held up to her behavior and she is "stuck" living with and married to a spouse that failed to fight for her.
It's not too late but you've got to stop asking her for permission and start standing up for yourself. What are YOUR boundaries? Why is she still friends with this OM on social media while you are still married to her?
As long as she remains in contact with OM the affair continues. Even if it's technically over --- emotionally she's trapped. She'll never process through withdrawal until NO CONTACT FOR LIFE is achieved.
You matter...too. Eventually I had to tell my wife that the current situation in quasi-recovery wasn't enough for me. My boundary was "I refused to remain in a loveless marriage". Simply staying married wasn't enough for me....so she either needed to work together with me to make our marriage a place we both wanted to be (not just me and not just her) or I was going to start the process of ending it myself. You also should check your yahoo email.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Thanks. I do get confused because your advice conflicts with Sandi's that says don't mention OM. I feel like I should demand that she isn't friends with him on social media but that seems to go against a lot of what I've read on here.
Thanks. I do get confused because your advice conflicts with Sandi's that says don't mention OM. I feel like I should demand that she isn't friends with him on social media but that seems to go against a lot of what I've read on here.
The "demand" technically isn't she can't be friends with OM on social media....instead the demand or boundary is more along the lines of "I am not satisfied with this situation, I'm not in love with you right now and you aren't in love with me right now but we've got two kids down the hall who desperately need and hope that we can work things out. I want more than this. I want to be in love with you and have you love me but it's been almost a year since your boyfriend moved on and we've got to figure this out...NOW....all options are on that table at this point....let's talk".
Then do more listening the talking...just wear her out how willing to listen you are and say things like "If we are going to divorce anyway...please just share with me who you really are and what's going on in your head". Don't let anything she says hurt you....just listen. Meet her needs as much as you can and she'll let you. Never have sex without her enthusiastic agreement. Be confident that YOU are a great guy and if and when she says mean things you just let it bounce off you as though she's talking about someone else.
Notice there is no timeline to this ultimatum - you are instead putting the conflict square in the middle of table and opening it up for discussion, argument and debate. You will no longer just sit back and wait for your wife to magically transform herself back into the loving woman and wife you knew a couple years ago.
NO CONTACT WITH OM - this boundary is actually an eventual condition or Step One to her agreement to actually try to repair your marriage. If you eventually divorce...she can be friends with OM forever but for the time being ....while married to you and trying to figure this out....she needs to commit to "no contact for life" out of respect for HER marriage, the pain it causes you and as a demonstration of her good faith in the effort. Unless you find more contact that a few likes on Facebook...at this point...no contact isn't the first hill to die on in this battle for your marriage. Her indecision IS the first battle. No contact battle follows getting her to decide "OK---even though I think it's impossible - I'll try".
Marital Love can definitely be restored after infidelity. I've done it and I've helped many others. I keep asking you to check your yahoo email.
As far as Sandy's stuff. Her and I disagree on a lot. Your wife is perfectly willing to co-exist with you in this continuing state of withdrawal. Sure she MIGHT respond if you filed for divorce or had your own affair - but she might not. My Michele Weiner Davis 180 recommendation for you is to STOP leaving her alone and remaining withdrawn from each other and, instead, engage directly in confronting her with the REALITY of the situation (you are nearing the end of your rope and once you stop caring about her ....your kids family will end up divorced and that's not what is the best alternative here.....the best alternative is their parents fix things while there is still time .... you guys loved each other once it can be done again as it has for MANY other couples in your situation).
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
"Working on our marriage" doesn't have to be drudgery. It doesn't have to be sitting in a counselor's office sharing our grievances and working on our communication skills.
INSTEAD - "working on our marriage" should look a whole lot more like dating.
Dating is how you fell in love and decided to marry each other the first time so that's how it MIGHT happen again.
Sure - you two should listen to some books on tape together about marriage and try to build a toolkit so that you don't drive it into the ditch AGAIN but "falling in love" with each other happens by spending a lot of time together having fun, talking and laughing JUST LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU MET.
Right now the two of you are adversaries and storage tanks of resentment. It's completely unfair what she's done to you and after this length of time....she's really got to step up her game and make this all worth it. But she won't step up her game until she suddenly discovers she loves you again and it IS possible to be in love with you again and she won't do that until you spend a lot of time together taking, laughing and generally getting along and rebuilding a deep friendship.
There are and will be hard parts of recovery. For us that actually happened mostly to my wife after the gift of repentance and full realization of what she'd done sunk in. We never would have gotten there unless I had a lot of patience and understanding that remorse & repentance were not a prerequisite to TRYING to rebuild our marriage. My wife didn't have to be or feel sorry. She really wasn't up for "feeling" much of anything. She was lost and broken and I was the only one there to help build her back up.
As far as the email thing. Maybe you are somebody else. I thought you were an acquaintance of mine in real life that I suggested post here awhile ago. I sent you another email to last name_first name at yahoo.com . Maybe your junk folder? Maybe an inactive email address? Sorry if I'm mistaken.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Jay, I do not want you to be confused. My post was based on what to do *if* she had ended the affair and was going through withdrawal. You did not understand why she wasn't ready to be intimate with you, and I was trying to explain why she was depressed.
However, that's not to say you should not have a transparency plan in place. That's not to say you should not have boundaries.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So my W was out of town over the weekend. I mostly made myself unavailable when she would try to contact me. Yesterday, while traveling she did several things that are out of the ordinary.
1. She replied to an email that I sent her a month ago inviting her to attend a work event that I have in a couple weeks. It said "thanks for the invite! I'd love to go!"
2. We have a wedding to go to in another state in June that she has been putting off travel plans for and she sent me a list of places that she wants me to look at and said to go ahead and book.
3. She stopped by a place to that sells beef jerky and bought me some, because I love beef jerky
4. She sent me a link to a Ted Talk about maintaining desire in a long term relationship
5. She ordered a book on Amazon about marriage reconciliation
When she got home, she seemed excited to see me and slept close to me all night. I'm not sure what to think of all this, trying to not get my hopes up.
Hi Jaybird - I think I remember your story from another forum, or else someone else's wife became an anchor and did the same thing!
Look, you have been in limbo for 2 years living as your wife's housemate and plan B, while her OM has been her mate and plan A. Maybe this week she is feeling you slip away and is throwing you scraps, because that all it takes to get your hopes up and keep you in your place.
But the fact is, her affair never ended, and will not end until she stops contact with him, which includes looking at his social media, pictures, mementos, and unfortunately, maybe even sitting next to his old chair. Every contact she has with him gives her the dopamine rush she is addicted to. And as long as she is getting that from him, she will never return to you.
Look, I have seen this exact situation play out for decades, usually until the WW finally leaves when the kids are grown or finds another OM who will commit.
So she is now ordering books and looking at Ted talks. Maybe she intellectually wants to fix her marriage but she will never love you again until she goes no contact with OM. Its up to you to tell her that there is no marriage until she cuts contact with OM and, then, and only then, will you consider reconciling with her.
What you have been doing for two years is tolerating a cheating wife. That is what you are still doing now. She will never stop being a cheating wife as long as you are tolerating it. You are not forcing her to make a decision, so this will go on forever until YOU change.
Clearly, you are not happy to have a cheating wife. I am sure we can agree you would be happier to have a non-cheating wife. Im sure its a scary thought, but I am also 100% confident that you would be happier with no wife. So, I suggest you decide on your boundary, and enforce it. If I were you, my boundary would be that I will not have an unrepentant, cheating wife. Tell her that she is an adulteress, and remains so as long as she is in any contact with the OM. If she does not want to be divorced, she must go no contact and stop cheating. Otherwise, she gets divorced, and you get divorced, but you no longer have a cheating wife.
