I am 35 and my wife is 33. We started dating when I was 17 and married at 25. We have 2 boys, age 5 and 6. Up until late 2014 we had a good marriage. The sex was may have been boring/bad/infrequent for a few years while the kids were in the infant phase, but began to pick back up when the youngest was 2 or 3. My wife was always very pretty but had always carried around a little extra weight and didn't pay a lot of attention to her style/dress. She was a stay at home mom until July 2014 when she landed a job on television. When she got the job, she immediately dropped her weight and updated her style. She went from frumpy housewife to a knockout almost overnight.
At first, her new-found confidence and appearance was great for us. However, by September 2014 I noticed a sudden change in her. She became distant and unavailable. After a couple weeks of that I confronted her, I got the the "I love you, but am no longer in love with you." Two weeks later, I discovered that she was having an affair with her co-anchor. Ever since then, my life has been a living hell.
At first I went into complete shock and depression. I tried to get her to quit her job, but she wouldn't. I read a lot of stuff on this site and others and began to try to get a life. I ran a half marathon, I got a new job, I started to do a lot of charity work. Throughout it all, I was constantly begging her to see what she was doing to our marriage and our family. She agreed to cut off things with the other man after about a month or two, but continued to work with him.
In June of 2015, the OM got a new job far away. Up until that point our sex life was non-existent and she refused to do any counseling but remained at home and married to me. I thought him leaving would be a good thing and give us new life. The day after he left, she stayed in bed for 3 days and admitted that she was miserable without seeing him at work everyday.
Since then, she has seemed to have gotten over him, but everything remains unchanged at home. We sleep in the same bed and do things with the kids, but as soon as they go to sleep she avoids me. I go through cycles of withdrawing to complaining to try to spice things up and nothing works. Occasionally she will agree to sex, but just lays there. She still refuses to do counseling until she "decides if this marriage is what she wants".
I feel like I have become a completely better person through all of this. I have a job that I am more passionate about and am more involved with the kids and the community. However, I have lost the wife I had in the process. We are getting nowhere and every time I ask for answers, she says "I don't know" to everything.
I can't stomach the thought of breaking up my family or losing her. What can I do? I have read DB and many other books. My head is swimming with knowledge and theories, but nothing works. It is like a switch flipped in her that can't be undone. Help!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It sounds like you have done well in the GAL department with your new job, exercise & charity work. Sadly, it looses some luster when you are begging her to see the impact of what she is doing to the marriage and family.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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She hasn't gotten the A with OM. An A is very addictive, and *if* they are not messaging each other, then she is probably suffering withdrawals. OM may move on to a new co-anchor, or he may dangle your W by texting, FB, or whatever.
Until she gets this OM out of her head, she will have no sexual desire for you, and she will have no interest in working on the MR. Husbands often make the mistake that once the OM is gone that it fixes the problem. Let's hope and pray she doesn't fall for whoever was hired in the OM's place.
Going through the withdrawals is hard, and dangerous. Dangerous b/c she wants a fix, just like a drug addict. I hope OM told her it was over when he left.
Stay in the master bedroom. Don't talk about the MR, OM, or any dramatic subjects while she is going through this depression. Don't volunteer to sleep in another room, or to leave the house. She has to get the OM out of her system before she can feel lovingly toward you. I doubt she will just spring back to being like she used to be, it takes time.
I believe a woman's attitude tells more than just about anything else. You probably can read the expressions in her attitude to know her mood/feelings. Does she act sad and depressed......or does she seem resentful, bitter, short tempered, etc.? How does she act toward you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W is very nice and sweet towards me, but in a platonic way. She just left town for the weekend to visit her friend's new baby. She kissed me goodbye which is unusual.
She claims she's not in contact with OM and hasn't been for months. However, I just looked and she still follows him on all social media sites and "likes" all his posts. Disgusting! Is this something I should confront her about or let it go?
She claims she's not in contact with OM and hasn't been for months. However, I just looked and she still follows him on all social media sites and "likes" all his posts. Disgusting! Is this something I should confront her about or let it go?
