I Used to Like Rollercoasters

[TimR]

That's the hard thing Hope. Are they waiting to try and be guilt free, working out their own demons or genuinely confused??? And what are you supposed to do in the mean time? Such a personal decision to face, especially in light of the fact there are no guarantees.

But it may not be all about guilt... I am very certain that since I moved on my WW is more upset about that than anything else right now. She had tried to work a reaction out of me a couple weekends ago and when she saw that there was none because I am truly done with her, she did not know what to do.

I many WS that I think are just not satisfied or have their own issues to deal with and while they search that out and don't want the LBS, they also don't want the LBS to find happiness in the meantime. That could be for fear of losing them or because of their own warped sense of entitlement. IDK.

Just keep working to try and find your happiness that is not attached to another person. In this journey I have found things that I did not know would make me happy actually do make me content. I am very goal oriented and found I have lost sight of that. So I created new goals for myself. Achieving them really builds a sense of pride in me. I am now finding that guy I was before meeting WW and I feel younger for rediscovering myself. I hope you can too!

[CK2001]

"I've been advised to "compassionately detach" as he doesn't respond well to me being cold. I've been way too validating and accommodating to him so I've stopped all of that."

This is my struggle. I know I can't fully detach without him just cocooning into a ball of uselessness. He is very prone to hopelessness. I don't know how to politely detach. I also wonder if I do if he will just continue to eat cake.

[HopeRB]

Back after a while and journaling:

Feeling very lonely on this July 4th. No friends around. Im doing this to myself at this point. H is probably out having a blast, even though he always tells me he doesn't smile, he's just as unhappy out there in the "far country" as he was in out M. He texts me here and there and then disappears. Its been 12 months. I think i need to move on. I don't want to give up or file for a d but I need to move on. I don't know what else to do (or not do) anymore.

Im moving on. Im having a hard time striking a balance between not giving up and "acting as if" I'm moving on bc in actually, I would be moving on. So that's what I have to do. I pray that one day I'll be able to say my marriage has been restored.

H comes and goes as h pleases while I have to deal with this mess. And there's nothing I can say about it to him. He offers to help but then backs far away. Coach told me to be less available but I cant do that if he barely reaches out. My heart loves my husband with every bone in my body. But I'm tired. Perhaps I made too many mistakes along this journey. Perhaps he is indeed still working his issues out. I cant wait for the rest of my life.

I'm really sad that I am not out watching fireworks with friends or something. But I am in the process of trying to make new friends so no one to really call except the old ones and they are all mutual friends that I find it very hard to be around.

[HopeRB]

Also, I am so behind in rent and having to condense my apartment in to a temporary rental room and a storage unit. Our lease is up. Im sad bc its the last big thing we shared together and now its going away. I'm sad because I want to live with my H again. I'm sad bc I have to do this and I just miss him so much.

I want a 2nd chance at this marriage. Feels like my heart is crying and hot inside my chest.

[TimR]

I can understand how you feel and the pain you are going through. However, you need to drop that rope because it only continues the pain. I am not telling you to drop the rope (hope that someday you will be back together) but the rope that ties your happiness to your WAH. Create your own happiness, you are responsible for your own happiness. Make yourself into the person he would want to come back to.

[HopeRB]

Thanks for checking in Tim, hope all is well with you, btw.

I've been trying to drop this rope for a little bit now...sometimes I feel level, composed and working on finding my happy contentment. Other times, I breakdown and crave tangible hope.

I have no expectations, but I do have hope. The time passing has literally knocked me over. And though I've personally made a lot of changes that I want to stick, there is so much more to go. This road is extremely lonely and hard but nevertheless, I made a choice to love my husband and stand for our marriage. I just came across something that was so simple but poignant to me and that is:

Don't stand still (or standing isn't standing still). I'll keep ruminating on that. I guess I also question what the beginning buds of restoration even looks like, what the tiniest of tiny buds look like when they start to burst through. Even before the WAS has even stated he wants to come home. Is that even possible?

[HopeRB]

So H came over last night and apologized and said all of these nice things that I've been longing for him to say. Even said he thought and has been going back and forth on reconciling with me. Then said he can't see how that would happen. Then said we will be divorcing and that is final and he will not be changing his mind.

He will not go to see a counselor, pastor, talk to our family, nothing. He wants me to move on.

So, guess that's it.

[HopeRB]

I have no choice but to concede and go with what he has said. Nothing I've said or not said, done or not done has an effect on this man. I've prayed for us, for myself, for him. He refuses to try, says he doesn't want to be married. And all I can do is concede.

Thats all I can do. I have not say or choice in the matter. I feel defeated.