MB, If your h is in a MLC, there is nothing you can do to turn it around. You can't cure him or control him. Depression is the main ingredient of a MLC.
Your posting sounds like you are in a panic mode, which I can understand, but you can't "get" your h to the counseling meeting. He has to decide for himself if this is what he wants to do. Generally, if a MLCer goes to a counseling session, it is to appease the spouse and yes, they do tend to hear what they want to hear and trust me, they can twist what the counselor is saying to justify how they feel about the relationship. Again, you can't cure him or control him. The only control you have is over yourself.
If you opt to continue to go down the path of trying to get him into the counselor, I would suggest that you mention to him that there is an appointment available on such and such date if he wishes to go. The decision has to be his and you can't push him. Also, MLCers do not like for us to tell them what is wrong w/them because they don't think anything is wrong until much later in the crisis.
MLC takes years and the old saying "you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix" him holds true. MLC is about issues from their childhood that haven't been resolved and it's all about HIM, not YOU.
Now, step back and BREATHE! I know that you are scared and want to try to turn things around...but you may not be able to do so. In fact, you may make him more determine to see the divorce thru to the end. The harder you push, the more he'll run and pull away from you and look to the ow for comfort and validation.
Please, please take care of yourself. I wish you the best of luck on the counseling issue.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I didn't mean to offend you, just giving an outsider's viewpoint. From the little I have read you have been through a lot and are holding up well.
I'm sorry you have other problems.
No, I'm not offended. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that you did. I am trying to process what just happened on the phone when my son's lawyer basically called and said sorry, you guys are on your own. They didn't even have the nice guy call that we had been dealing with. They had some loud intimidating a$$ call like I wasn't going to question him or something. Doesn't matter, they don't want a case they actually have to do work on. Even if we have pictures that show he's NOT at fault.
Anyway, you didn't offend me. I am just stressed way beyond my breaking point. Can't believe I'm holding it together at all. Thanks for taking the time to comment on my thread.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
common sense dictates that the longer you two are disconnected the less chance there is of reconnecting, and I can see how you'd feel that way. On the other hand WAH is on a journey on his own, and it might be the fastest way he'd ever be prepared to consider reconnecting would be if he's left to that journey and gets to see where it leads. Part of that might include the fear of loss, which he certainly wouldn't feel if you're soliciting counseling.
So, basically what you're saying is that even though he never mentioned the word D to me I should just accept the papers, stay NC and then go to court and sit there, then get up and leave without ever in my life uttering another word to him unless he speaks first? I can't imagine anyone doing that. Just never say another word. Did you talk to your wife after you got served?
Originally Posted By: Zues126
The idea of "working" makes it sound like there is something you can do that will achieve the results you want. Well, we know that isn't true. You can try things and monitor results the rest of your life, but you can't make someone love you.
A lot of NC is about what I referenced above...while you can't force things to get better, you can avoid making them worse
I don't have to make him love me, I believe that he still does. When I broke NC in Dec. he immediately wanted to R until counselor scared him away. She was still reaching out to him so he ran right back to her. I did talk to him after he pulled the rug that second time and got him to go to the Dr and he was put on antidepressants--I just pulled some strings and got him the appointment, the rest was up to him.. Then, I just sat here and went NC again. He DOES respond some to me when I try. So, why would I NOT try? I understand that this is his journey, but I see the sadness and confusion in him. Does that not mean something? I know I can't make him do anything. Believe me, I do know this! I'm just talking about giving him an option, not trying to cram my opinion down his throat. OW certainly isn't just sitting back and letting him decide the path of his journey!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job. Thanks for checking on me! I guess I'm about the same. I think about my H and my son both constantly. Not sure what to do about either. I seem to be in a constant state of being stretched to the breaking point.
My son is supposed to go to court on Tuesday. Because his lawyer quit on Friday at 5,I haven't been able to try to find a replacement yet. I'm working right now and when I get off in the morning I will stay up until I have it worked out.
As for my husband, I didn't go over there that night and haven't seen or spoken to him at all. I want to do something but don't know what it would be. He never actually said the D word to me. I mean, I know that he wants her but it was still a shock to get those papers. I'm really having a hard time keeping it together with all this stress. And, the thought of my M being over in 6 weeks is something that I just can't wrap my mind around. I know I have to, but I just cant. The people in my life that were supportive at first have long since disappeared. I have a few online friends but otherwise I'm just alone.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, You'll find a lawyer to represent your son today. Hopefully it won't take too long to do so.
If you want to do something, write a letter and then tear it up. It will help alleviate some of that frustration and tension you are suffering from. The less you say right now about those papers, the better. You certainly do not want to push them together any more than they already are.
I know that you've had a lot going on in your life recently, but you might want to think about looking for a support group in your area to meet up with. At least you would have a safe place to talk and/or vent and you would meet some people who are in the same situation as you are and can offer you "real life" support.
Come here to talk, vent or just blog. Someone is always around. Good luck today in finding a lawyer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The last time I really spoke with XW was about 18 months ago when she was hinting that she might want to R. She kept asking what *I* thought. I thought I handled it very tactfully, not pining, but interested in R. She then acknowledged there had been a number of me, months of black out drinking, and it turns out that OM was passed out in her (our old) bed as she was texting me...and that she was drunk as a skunk. The next day she attempted suicide. I found her phone and it had nasty messages to her friends saying things like 'great, I drunk texted Zues last night, now I have to start pushing him away again', etc. And from the moment she was out of the hospital it was full steam ahead on the D, any pretense of friendship was about to manage me to avoid risk of losing the children or her image as the 'good one', and she has played the D game like a champion, feeling entitled to be able to do whatever she wants without consequence.
I wrote a bit on ItHurt's thread right now. Yes, I am hurt by this. No, I want nothing to do with it. So to answer your question, no, I don't speak with XW. We email maybe 1/week in strictly kid/schedule related stuff, emails with no greetings or sign offs, but simply business content. If she speaks to me when I pick up the kids it will be brief, "D 5's eyes have been bothering her, FYI", and I will give an "alright".
Angry/withdrawn/punishing, or hurt/disgusted/boundaries? It's a slippery slope. I don't want to be angry or punishing, nor hurt or disgusted, so I stay withdrawn. I'm trying all of this on for size. Not really sure about all of that. But I do know that I don't want a relationship of any kind with someone like this. If she uses this to prove to herself that I am not marriage material, good for her. Anyone that destroys a marriage and uses the boundaries I set to protect myself from her destruction as proof I'm a bad apple is welcome to their opinion. And, if you read ItHurts's post, I don't see that being buddies will change anything. Your H doesn't want to be married. That is about him, not you, because you didn't make him into someone that believed in divorce, HE did.
Sorry, I guess I've been in some pain this morning. Had odd dreams last night of XW, in them she had new kids of a different ethnicity. Can't remember any more. Clearly I still hurt, heck yes, I loved XW and wanted to remain married, but upon filing D she became the woman that murdered my wife and destroyed my family. I am working on letting go of that anger and forgiving, but that is a process and is for me, either way she doesn't belong in my life.
Not the path I'm recommending you follow, just answering your question.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
How are you doing? Please let us know that you are okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Aww Zues, that's sweet!