VERY IMPORTANT. I need help ASAP!!

[- MB -]

Okay, I know it's not time to start a new thread, but I really need help now and I can't wait. In case you don't know my stitch, I have been separated for quite some time and my H of 10 years is having a huge MLC and has been having an affair for the past almost 6 months. Just before Christmas we got together for 12 days. He went to one counseling appt with me and I'm pretty sure the counselor scared him away by making him think it would be impossible to get past this. He broke up with me right after that. I have since gotten a NEW counselor.

The ow came to see me right before Valentine's Day and asked me several things. Seemed very casual about it, but in hindsight I think one of her biggest concerns was whether or not H and I were getting divorced. She stopped talking to him for about 10 days after that, and guess what he filed for D on Feb. 23rd. Now they are back on track. I was served with D papers Monday.

I went and saw him after my son's accident and he talked to me but seemed very depressed (still). He wasn't happy that I talked to ow when she came to my apartment. Said some odd things about her that made me suspect that she stalks him (and probably me) on the Internet. He offered information about his health and tests that he had done. He wouldn't have done that a few months ago. He even gave me a hug before I left. Would have been nice if he had said Hey MB, keep an eye out for those D papers. They will be there soon. Or, something to that affect.

I went to a counseling appointment yesterday. Second one this week because I'm having a really hard time coping with the fact that he has actually filed. The clock starts counting down from the time he files and it only takes 60 days to get D in my state. Anyway, my counselor was talking about how confused he seems to be and has offered to try to help. She made an evening appointment so that he can go. The only problem is, HOW can I get him there? I really need help with this. He will not be as open to it as he was before (and he wasn't before!) since what that last idiot did when he went with me. I really want to save my marriage and I think she can help him. I honestly believe he is on the fence with the D....or that could be wishful thinking on my part, but he appears sad and unsure to me and I think she is pushing him. The appointment isn't until Wednesday, but he is off on Sunday and Monday so I know that ow will be here with him all weekend and I think I will have a better shot if I go there before he sees her than right after she leaves and he's happy. So, that means I need to do this TONIGHT. If anyone has ANY ideas on how I can accomplish getting him there short of knocking him out and dragging him there, I would love to hear them. I really feel like this could be my last chance before he is gone. I really need help with this.

[1313]

MB,
first I'd assume you've not been talking with a DB coach who might have a clever idea or two as to how to approach this.

IMHO, the only route I would see if it were me would be to be completely up-front and honest about it. "Do you have doubts about this? I would really like to you see somebody who has been very helpful to me and I think could help us both resolve whether or not to move forward." You'd have to say this counselor is nothing like the other one - apologize if necessary.

I took my W to a counselor who stank - the W had no intention of resolving things - but I think if the counselor was good it might have gotten her to at least consider reconciliation. So I know where you're coming from.

Hopefully a vet will have some sort of similar experience here to help you through.

[- MB -]

No, I can't afford a DB coach. REALLY wish I could, but it's just not possible. I was not planning to march into his house and ask him to go to marriage counseling though. I am not mindreading, as I have been told I am not licensed for that, but I am about 99.995% sure of how that would be received by him. Not even going there. I was thinking more along the lines of maybe to help me get through this. Or, perhaps to get "closure." Or something like that. Really don't want to go with closure because that just sounds too final to me and I don't even want to go there. I'm just not sure if either of those would work. Or, even how to word them. Or, even how to approach the subject to begin with. SOMEONE out there has to be more clever than I seem to be. I can't even think straight these days much less come up with a valid plan.

[Zues126]

MB, I wouldn't say I have advice, but I'll share my thoughts.

This idea that IC could help turn H around and that the window on R is closing is all in your head.

Maybe it could turn things around. Maybe things don't turn around without that. But I don't have a crystal ball and neither do you.

I feel that trying to get him into IC is controlling and pursuing both. H doesn't need your rescuing, he's a big boy. You can't pull him back, I think that drives him away further. Your best bet is to be the best choice, the choice that is confident, detached, ok with your life with or without him, and not crazy like OW...not clingy, controlling, and worse than OW.

I can see why you feel this situation is an exception to all the DB rules, but I don't think it warrants an exception. Detach. 180. GAL. Keep breathing and focusing on YOU.

[- MB -]

Zues, good to hear from you! I do realize that there is always a small chance that he could decide he wants to R after the D. However, I think it would be more likely to R while we are still married. He filed Feb 23 so my D could actually be final on April 25th. That's really not that far away.

If I'm completely honest, I would agree that I can see trying to get him to counselor with me could be seen as controlling. But I really do think it could help. He was with me in Dec. and then willingly went with me to counseling and ended things the very next time he saw me. I really can't blame him for being scared away after that appointment!

I already am the better choice. I have no self confidence at all, but even I can see that! I have also been the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of needy, clingy, controlling, crazy, and worse than the ow. I don't even see him. I don't drive by, I don't check phone records. I don't text or call. I haven't bumped into him. I haven't been in his life at all. When I did that last time, he assumed I had moved on and so did he. When he saw me again, he wanted me back.

NC is great for some people, but according to DB you're supposed to try something and monitor results. If it's not working, do something different! Well, it's coming up on almost 6 months. How long should I monitor NC before doing something else? What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. If he's feeling defeated, depressed and has no self confidence at all right now, why would he reach out to me when it's just easier to let ow drag him along the path he's on? Does that mean that's what he wants? Not necessarily. It could just mean that he's too depressed to put up a fight or put any effort into trying anything else when he assumes it won't matter.

Just my thoughts. Would love to hear your thoughts on them Zues!

[roist]

Only you can read your situation fully, but often we need others to see what we care missing. I can understand your situation. One thing that I have observed here is that there are rarely such make or break deadlines in these situations. Also often what we feel obliged to do is usually the wrong thing to do.

Without being blunt you sound desperate to REact to your situation. It will most likely come across as ssuch to your H.If so it is not attractive. If not it will come across as controlling.

I will admit I don't know your full situation but I have dropped by your thread from time to time.

If you feel that it has a good chance of working, go for it but it would be best if it didn't come from you. If you go before passage of OWsshe has the weekend to react and work on H.

Just a few thoughts I had reading your appeal. I wish you luck

[- MB -]

I'm not desperate. I haven't spoken a word to him or even driven by his house since I got the papers handed to me and that was almost a week ago. I talked to my counselor about it and she thought she might be able to help, but I have to get him to go. My rush was when I realized that he is off part of this weekend which means that ow will be here to see him. His days off rotate. Anyway, I just thought I might have a better chance getting through to him before she got her hooks in him again. Doesn't matter as I have other things on my mind now. This will have to wait.

And, by the way, I have been doing nothing. That's all I've been doing. As far as he's concerned I'm sure he thinks I've moved on and don't care. If that's not what he thinks, he should.

[Zues126]

I already am the better choice

Agreed.

If I'm completely honest, I would agree that I can see trying to get him to counselor with me could be seen as controlling. But I really do think it could help.

IMHO the damage caused by being controlling/fixing/pursuing/dismissing is far, far greater than any good that could come from IC. It's controlling because you're not letting him have his journey. It's fixing because you're showcasing the attitude that you think HE'S the problem, and if he was just mentally sound he'd realize he's wrong and you're right. And it's pursuing/dismissive because it shows that you want the marriage, whether he wants to be M to you or not, it says "You're making a mistake, you need to get your head checked, do what I want you to do, and be a good husband to me, and if you're sad or unfulfilled for the rest of your life I don't really care". No counselor is going to make that appealing.

I do realize that there is always a small chance that he could decide he wants to R after the D. However, I think it would be more likely to R while we are still married. He filed Feb 23 so my D could actually be final on April 25th. That's really not that far away.

I don't know MB. I mean, on the one hand common sense dictates that the longer you two are disconnected the less chance there is of reconnecting, and I can see how you'd feel that way. On the other hand WAH is on a journey on his own, and it might be the fastest way he'd ever be prepared to consider reconnecting would be if he's left to that journey and gets to see where it leads. Part of that might include the fear of loss, which he certainly wouldn't feel if you're soliciting counseling.

It's just so hard to predict, and impossible to control. In the end that's why you have to let go of him, and let go of your attachment to him, and instead really make your life center around how you play your cards. Take care of yourself, continue to be the better choice, and let the future take care of itself.

NC is great for some people, but according to DB you're supposed to try something and monitor results. If it's not working, do something different! Well, it's coming up on almost 6 months. How long should I monitor NC before doing something else?

I think this advice is misinterpreted sometimes. The idea of "working" makes it sound like there is something you can do that will achieve the results you want. Well, we know that isn't true. You can try things and monitor results the rest of your life, but you can't make someone love you.

A lot of NC is about what I referenced above...while you can't force things to get better, you can avoid making them worse, and while you can't speed up his journey, you can avoid slowing it down. NC is good for many of those reasons.

This doesn't mean there aren't shades of NC. By all means you can demonstrate 180s with the contacts you do have, whether they are regarding the children, finances, or anything else. You can leave the door open to conversation, and be light and breezy.

Personally I believe in following the guideline of avoiding a push/pull dynamic. It's like personal space, where if you crowd someone they back away. Or when you're texting/calling a friend, if it gets to the point where you're calling them 5 times more often than they are calling you, maybe that's a sign they need a bit more space. When that happens to me with my friends I give them space until they call me back, then I try to make sure I keep close to a 1:1 ratio so I know I'm not pushing them too much.

The tendency is to want to make sure they know the door is open, or to temp check even the 'friend' aspect of things, so to reach out for trivial reasons or to extend a few warm words. I don't think this is wise. I think if THEY reach out to YOU it's ok to reciprocate, but even then I believe in reciprocating about 80%...enough to know that you're warm and open to conversation, but just cutting it short enough to leave them wanting a little more, and not feeling like you're pursuing. If they want more all they have to do is put in more themselves...and if the day comes they say "I want more back from you" then it's easy to say "Hm, interesting you say that because you're filing D, this is the relationship I'd be comfortable maintaining from an ex..." and then letting them make their decisions once they see you're not necessarily a plan B forever and they can feel what they are missing.

[roist]

I didn't mean to offend you, just giving an outsider's viewpoint. From the little I have read you have been through a lot and are holding up well.

I'm sorry you have other problems.

[- MB -]

Okay, change of focus here. And, at this time I may come across as desperate, needy and in a total panic. I'm not actually in a total panic yet, but it surely isn't far away!

Is there anyone on this forum that has knowledge of Texas laws regarding motor vehicle wrecks? I do have a definite deadline on this one and my son could end up in a lot of trouble for something that wasn't his fault. My son's attorney just called up and basically quit. What?!?! Apparently they didn't actually want to have to do any work! He was ran over by a school bus and apparently the bonus is going to be getting blamed for it! Is there anyone on here that can answer some questions for me????? I need to help him but I don't know what to do.