Looks like its new thread time, I am doing this via email so no links this round, maybe I will post them if need be. I feel the need to continue documenting things for some reason, might be part cathartic but more just to continue to document the Science Project I have found myself in for the past several years.
So tomorrow is Mediation Apt, this for those keeping score is attempt #3, #1 lasted for the initial joint meeting (Mar14) #2 made it to individual sessions and a few months later W wanted to R (Feb15) so here were are, St Patty’s ironically is the 2 year anniversary of me being in the Dr room with W as the Dr confirmed she contracted Herpes from OM. I was later blamed for this till I emailed my test results (Not knowing how long OM has been in the picture) … then was a lover from 25 years past I had no clue about (We were each other’s first and only as far as I knew … turns out during the Gulf war and my 8 month deployment there was someone else …. Red flag back then I never was told about) … so finally OM supposedly got it from OMW, which was also proven false, OM had a OW2 and then the A was for the time being done … only to come back full force Feb2016 which was when I moved out within 10 days …. No we are here.
Something I thought about…. W has NEVER been alone, Dated me while we were 19, when I left for the Gulf, she was dating someone else … I come back .. she is back with me, 10 years then we marry 15 years .. OM, me OM , me .. back and forth she goes but never alone … something I think she will have to deal with at some point, or not I am sure the master manipulator will have many willing participants … time will tell.
Last night, I have S, and he has a baseball game, 3rd one. W shows up 2-3rd inning and hands me some junk mail, sits down about 10-15’ away, the past 2 games she has been on the other teams side. S slides into the base 4th inning and comes out to me (walking past w) asking if I will help him wash out the cut .. little scrape but a good one, so we wash it out, get some bandaide on the thing and back in the game my little trooper goes. W was oblivious, had no clue he was hurt or that I patched him up, in fact I don’t think she still is aware of it. Have to love that MLC. I noticed I was getting a bit irritated and I just took a walk to shake it off and focus in on S and the game.
The more I think about things, it’s been a full month since I really let go, she has a long journey and I am not sure she will ever come out of it, so much damage and I know of some of the issues that have her at this point (14 yr old teenage girl trapped in a 44 yr olds body) … I cycle between the rage of betrayal and anger to relief and optimism my life is and will be better, every now and then I feel sorry for her but knowing she has played me this whole time snaps me out of feeling that much… she is dead to me, my wife died in a MLC train wreck and her ghost is all that haunts me .. and that Ghost is an agent of CRY-ISIS (the evil enterprise who recruits MLCrs) … yes … I made that up and I expect royalties as I broke my arm patting myself on the back for thinking of it…. On that note I think I am watching to many Marvel series shows with S.
So things are moving forward, I do not expect D to stall out this time … W has reverted all the way back to full on replay, she has not monstered nor contacted me as I think she has to just be fully embarrassed with what I discovered, she and OM can have each other … I do not think it will last as it never has seemed to more than a few months. Speaking with someone else who has gone through this with a MLCw there seems to be something to it, 3-5 month cycles … just worth a watch. I am not focused on her, just observing here and there, its easier this time around with the very limited contact .. maybe 2 times a week vs 5-6 during the last separation.
Work has been busy, as have my GALS in full force. All truly a blessing, I have been going to church later at night on Sundays, doesn’t feel the same but I do feel better going rather than skipping, its really brought me through the tough times … this time around I am at peace and have accepted it. I am not sure what the future holds, there is a small part that still wants the M, not the old one, a new one but W would really have to jump through so much I just do not see it as an option anylonger, maybe that’s the freeing part of all this, I did the work .. she didn’t, she still chose to destroy it all after I gave her a chance, that’s on her .. not me .. I did all I could and now I look forward to getting myself all prepared for life after this tragedy. I still pray for her, all I can do, I do not regret our time in the sun and do hope she finds the happiness she is so hell bent on finding.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Read your response on the previous thread. I agree, for whatever reason at first I was sure I could help... I mean you should see my tools, then I learned I couldn't help but I could stick around, work on myself, improve while she processed ... Which has lead me here, now I've discovered she is in trouble and by me just being there, she will never bottom out, might come close but having me there she is all to able to cast her stuff on me and never realize it's her bags ... Not mine, I do pray for her every day and know the only thing I can do for all our sakes is to let her go, she has to figure this out on her own and she may very well never be able to face what she needs to face, it's tragic... But having 2 or 3 lives ruined would be even more tragic. So I've let her go, and doing so over the weeks I've realized she just has not been a good person, no one I would want in my life ... She gradually became this other person so I think I gradually just accepted it. I would not want her how she is now, i feel deep inside that I've done what I was called to do to this point, I pray God helps her along the rest of the way and she does find some peace. I accept I'll always love her, 26 years was no fluke... But something bigger than our love has a tight hold of her and I have to accept it and move on. Does that mean I'm done... Yeah for now I am, it's time for me to experience peace and happiness either alone or maybe open myself to someone down the road that all remains in the future and I'm just getting through this one day at a time
Cali, The kindest thing that you can do for not only her, but for yourself is to let her go. You know the old saying "let go, let God"? Well, I think that this might be one of those times.
I think you are doing the right thing for you and your son. Your wife has a lot of work to do and she can't do it if you are there to hold her up and take her focus off of her self.
It's time for Cali to take care of himself and his son. Whatever may transpire, do not ever regret the hard work and the effort that you've put forth in trying to save your marriage.
You are a success story because you have saved yourself from falling into the rabbit hole w/her. Never, ever doubt yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One thought I had - I think, when someone cheats early in the relationship - that door is always kinda open, you know? I mean, me, I never in a million years would have thought of having an affair. I was with my ex for 26 years too. But he had slept with an old girlfriend the night before our wedding (to be fair, she snuck into his bedroom and seduced him, but still!). I thought it was due to youthful nerves and we worked it all out, but many years later when he had an affair - well, I think the threshold had been lowered and it was just much easier to step over. And probably any time things were a little stressful in our relationship, in the back of his mind, an affair was always an option. It was never an option in mine.
Doesn't mean we didn't have many good years - we did. But I think the poisonous effect of that being an "option" in the mind of your partner is a hard thing to overcome.
I agree, we had been dating a year or so... And then I was shipped off, she broke things off with me Dear John style and when I returned I was planning on leaving. She asked me out for dinner... A few dates later I took a local job and well... We were back together and took 10 years for me to feel safe enough to marry. I had some concerns, not about infidelity but issues concerning sex .... Seems even then she had issues there that not till this past year I was close to understanding ... Not that I do but this was the ticking time bomb
Learning someone you thought only slept with you ... Lied and hid it for 25 years ... I guess would be more shattering if MLC had not have happened ... So after I learned this was more of a wow, how did you keep that locked up all this time type response as I had already been hurt/destroyed and there wasn't much more she could break at that point
Now, I'm smh wondering why I'd ever reconcile with someone capable of what she has done, not just the past 3 years... The past 25 ... The mirror work continues as I look for the answer to this... FOO, codependent, maybe I had a MLC along the way (wondering this even on a low energy level) ,,, who knows but I do have more work to do.
Cali, you sound good. A lot of what you are sharing makes sense. I had so much hope for you, but sometimes reading your posts about your W’s behavior or comments I thought that she was not done baking yet. Some people truly need to hit the rock bottom to start claiming back out of the funk. It looks like your W didn’t hit the rock bottom. She is truly a different person now. As for the lover from 25 years ago, I would say that at least she did break up with you when she decided to go out with that guy, she didn’t do it behind your back and she did tell you about it. I think you can give her a credit for that. I don’t know if this was something that set a precedent. I think that it could tell about her internal struggle back then and now in MLC, to figure out what she actually wants. Just my opinion… And you did have some good years with her in between, right. I feel your pain though, trying to reconcile the two worlds…
I think you need to make a joint arrangement with bttrfly, LOL. She wants to have a “funeral” for her H. Like your W, he died in a MLC train wreck… I said this much to my mutual friends as well, regarding H, that the old H is dead, and I don’t really like the “new” one (the one that is in MLC.)
Cali, I always get so much from reading your posts. Take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Cali, I'm glad to read how you are doing my friend. It sounds as though you are pretty much 'done' for now - but in the longer term who knows I guess? So, you guys are headed for mediation now? Have I missed who filed?
From what you post, it sounds as though your W just started running again. I don't think there is much we can do when this happens other than protect and leave a road paved if that's what we want to do. Logic tells me (in my sitch) that we are only just starting to reach the timescale where some sitches truly turn. However, for the LBS it has been going on for such a time that many of us reach the point where we just want to move on. It's hard to know what to do for the best.
Hope you are enjoying your new place and the peace and freedom (from eggshells!) that being S brings.
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well my hand was pretty much forced, OM was a bye boundary, I felt something was off .... Have no idea how long it was hidden but once exposed yeah 10days I was out and have been extremely dark since. So yeah for now I'm done, she never bottomed out and had me there as option B till things patched back up with OM. She definitely started running, from all I can tell guilt, along with never facing her issues plus the fact, there is some damage there that no matter what will be there... The outbreaks were a constant reminder of what she did... The fact she played em off was a red flag, she showed some remorse but never seemed really sorry not wanted to make it right
I hear ya on time scale ... Not that I track it but understand what you are saying... They say never trust anything till atleast 3 years after BD, I was 1 1/2 when she came back not wanting D, should have listened and let her continue to work.
As far as Mediation, I held true... If she wants it she files and she did, very fast in fact I'm sure fueled by the fact she was busted and didn't want to get caught. Just 3 nights before we talked about things and agreed to give it till May, I'm thankful to have found out and moved out on my terms... If she ever wants back there are some serious boundaries that will be non-negotiables .... No really paving the way home but sorry, you had your second chance and I will never settle for less than what I've worked for. Take it or leave it, and that's just where I am at the moment and hope to stay here.
Mediation apt today went well... Was like dejavu. Had to laugh.... I had all the documents all ready to go but I staple everything on the opposite corner from the rest of the world. The mediator was having issues by the second set and asked if inward left handed or something and I quickly replied, "No but maybe now you can understand why I'm here in you office... I'm a very difficult person" 😊
You staple on the right side??? I Wonder what that means? A rebel? A jokester? I will look into that
You sound good. Please don't hesitate to wonder if you are doing the right thing. No doubt you are. How is the place coming along? Are you feeling more settled? I can just remember that feeling of freedom from H spin once he left. It seemed S and I both fell right into a peaceful happy place pretty quickly. I hope you do too.
I pity the day your W sees OM for the dirtbag he is, and realizes what she blew. It may be a while, but something tells me right now is your time to just take care of you. You will get back to that place where you truly just enjoy being on your own. Its time to heal. Praying for you Cali.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
