NYGal: What now?

[Zues126]

Agreed. Good to hear, but agreed to move slowly.

One idea I always toyed with if WAW asked for a second chance would be this- let's just be single for a while. In other words, I would be open to R...but only if we can cruise through life for a year without jumping back into a relationship.

The idea would be this- if you, mrs. walk away wife, mrs. I want to chase the EA/PA and find my happiness in the arms of someone else...if you can't stand the thought of being alone, and so you want to jump back with me now, but that if I won't race back to try to make you happy, then you can't hold on and you'll have to run to someone else...then I don't want to waste my time. I would only be interested if she'd grown up, had taken responsibility for her own happiness, and had learned to be on her own. If she couldn't handle a while on her own without medicating, then she'd feel unfulfilled in any new M shortly anyway, and I'm not going to invest energy into someone looking for a lifetime honeymoon phase, because reality don't work that way.

I'm not sure if I would've 'required' that, but that was where I felt I'd need to go. Doesn't matter because WAW is now XW and not looking back, but even if she did, I don't know that she'd pass the test of time anyway. And I am worth more than to subject myself to this crap again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...

[Thornton]

Good stuff, Zeus.

Makes sense to me.

The hard part is implementing it when the LBS is in so much pain and needs to get that quick fix from the WAS.

I wish I wouldn't have rushed back into R with W the first time she left me. We kind of resumes right where we left off and didn't really get to the root of the issue. But I just wanted the pain to end and it was sooooo good to hold her in my arms again.

[1313]

I wish I wouldn't have rushed back into R with W the first time she left me. We kind of resumes right where we left off and didn't really get to the root of the issue. But I just wanted the pain to end and it was sooooo good to hold her in my arms again.

This has been a lot of my reflection lately. At first, none of us want to hear this. We want to be back with our spouse, hold them, love them - and be where we were when we remember the good times. Honestly, I remember far more good than bad.

Except - so much time passed for things to dissolve in the first place. We tend to forget. You've got to figure it's GOT to be even longer to build a proper foundation this time around. The first one had flaws. That's why we're all here.

We can restore our relationship alright - right on top of the third floor of a teetering, rocking staircase that's been torched long ago. That can't happen. I don't want to see that for NYGal.

Maybe I had an epiphany today, but as much as I want my W back, I'm not sure it can ever happen. Even if she did everything that was necessary, I've got me to work on first. And I realized - I'm a friggin mess. Until I put myself back together brick by broken brick, I'm not ever going to know what's necessary on her end.

NYGal has a huge glimmer of hope. But in order for it to be something stable this time around - it's going to take a lot of planning and work. Start on your blueprint now.

[TxHubby]

Being cautious is good advice but this is a matter of love and in matters of love you also have to be brave. If I was too cautious (code for scared) in re-engaging with my wife then it probably wouldn't have worked. You can't fear getting hurt. It could happen. It might not. Any of us could get hurt badly any minute. That's life. Be brave.

[NYGal]

Thanks to everyone for stopping by.
I do feel like I've been doing the work for almost 5 months now. I've finished a Rebuilding (when your relationship ends) 10 week seminar, I've read books on listening and improving communication,and healing from infidelity. I've reflected, I've made new friends, I've gotten out there and stayed active hiking and biking and swimming. And yesterday W texted me that she's reading a book by the Dalai Lama, and enjoyed the first chapter so much she thought I might like it too. (That's kind of huge for her to take a spiritual journey.)
I'm not ready to move back home yet (yes, I want to, but I won't!). I'm still going to take my trip to California on Friday to celebrate my birthday with my dear friend out there. I'm still living my life. But as TxHubby says, I'm ready to be brave, too. W and I are both being cautious, and at the very least I think it's time to engage bravely, especially when she's reaching out.

All along I've believed: We are not done. I've never stopped loving her. I believe she's never stopped loving me. We just both got caught up in something that we needed to have happen -- something to shake us both up so we'd see what we had. And how it could be better.

I still don't know if we will reconcile. If we do, I don't know if it will work. But I'm ready to try. As soon as she is.

Keep offering advice. I appreciate it.

[TimR]

No advice NYGal just want to say what great news that is. Your sitch gives us all hope for our futures.

[NYGal]

Nothing from W since she texted me Monday about the book she's reading. Except responding to texts with some tax info i needed. Trying not to worry. I think she was temp checking me, but I hope she wasn't lying about not being with ow.

[Sotto]

Hi NYG, I think your W is doing a lot of cycling, which is common. As you say, it may well have been a temp check and now a little radio silence. Who knows what may be happening or not WRT OW. She is your W's problem and not yours and please try not to worry about your W being in possible contact with her as that isn't something you can control.

I think you have been doing well and the main thing is to manage your own expectations and not get too drawn in by what your W says. Let some more time pass, detach as much as you are able and live your life. You can already see that a little distance from you does no harm at all in these sitches.

Hope you have a lovely Easter weekend xx

[NYGal]

Thanks, Sotto. You're right. Cycling it is. W called me today and in conversation led me to believe that she's not actually done with ow. Me: So are you with her or not? W: With her would be an overstatement.
Me: What do you want? W: For us to be back together like it was before. Me: What are you afraid of? W:IDK.
There was more, of course: W: I've made a horrible error in judgement... I don't believe [being w ow] is an appropriate situation for me. Me: What's holding you back? W:IDK. I'm tired of it, I want to move on. I shouldn't talk to you about it.
Me: You're right. I don't want to get hurt like this ever again.
W: [Mutual friend] says I should just clear my head and stay single. (NYGal's thoughts -- scr@w that -- come back to me!!!) Me: crickets...

W: This doubt has been with me from the get go. We belong together. This is all so wrong. But I don't want to hurt you again, that's why I've hesitated talking to you. Until she is out of my life I shouldn't talk to you.

Then her boss came in and we had to hang up. I didn't validate, I didn't get angry, but my voice was stern after she told me she's not exactly NOT w ow.

This just stinks. I have a bid b-day next week and I'll be out of town and I was so hoping we would be reconciling sooner rather than later. I got expectations and I've been disappointed yet again. I'm hurt by all this. I'm sad that she's doing this still.

Part of me thinks that she really does need reassurances from me that I can forgive her. (She HATES to be alone.) But I said I don't want her to feel like she's coming back out of fear or pressure from me so I'm not going to pressure her. I said she needs to be away from ow and over ow. She said, Oh I know, and I completely understand that we (W and NYGal) won't be together unless it's a lifetime commitment.

Well, that's a lot to deal with. She was hesitant to make that commitment before. So now she's got to get that decided before she can tell ow to take a hike???? This is all messed up.

[- MB -]

(((((((NYGal))))))). Just wanted to give you a hug! Hang in there. You're doing GREAT!