Now, the real work begins...Part III

[broke]

Hope and Tim,

Not feeling very inspirational today, but thanks so much for the positive thoughts. I continue to have hope, so I will continue to DB. But, I'm feeling a little low and would love just a subtle or small sign that any of this "work" will lead H back. Does anyone ever feel like holding onto this hope will set us back in how long it takes to get over our WAS (if we have to)? Or, do you think it takes the same amount of time to get over them if you are able to drop the rope sooner? Just wondering....

[Thornton]

Broke,

Great job on the DB'ing!

Regarding the email, just another bump in the road. Don't lose sight of the big picture. We are all going to have these bumps in the road.

The process isn't linear, keep that in your mind. Ups, downs, dips, and loopty-loops. Just ride them out.

Also remember, this isn't your life forever. Whatever happens with H, you will be happy again, I promise.

Just keep doing what you're doing. Look how much you've grown just in the past month. You're making progress!

[broke]

Thornton,

I can always depend on you to be such a positive force. Thanks for always being there.

[HopeRB]

Yes Thornton, you always have just the right words, thank you!

Hope and Tim,

Not feeling very inspirational today, but thanks so much for the positive thoughts. I continue to have hope, so I will continue to DB. But, I'm feeling a little low and would love just a subtle or small sign that any of this "work" will lead H back. Does anyone ever feel like holding onto this hope will set us back in how long it takes to get over our WAS (if we have to)? Or, do you think it takes the same amount of time to get over them if you are able to drop the rope sooner? Just wondering....

This is tough b/c I struggle with it also but I think part of the reason DBing "works" everytime is bc regardless of how the sitch turns out, we will be better, this is the goal. I know this isn't exactly what you want to hear and trust me, it isn't what I want to be saying. I would love for any of the thousands of methods I've researched to work to bring my H back. But we can't predict that unfortunately. What I do know is that DBing is great for ppl like us who need to understand that if we keep doing what we've done in the past - which is what got us here, we will not be successful.We need a different approach, a complete cleanse to shock us into doing things differently. We have the power to change our marriages because we are actively changing ourselves.

On the other side of that, I also wonder if holding onto hope keeps us in this mental prison longer than we need to be. It may very well take less time if we drop the rope sooner. I had a convo with a friend last night who can't understand why I still pine over my M months later after all that has transpired. She just got out of a relationship and though she was sad, she she's over it, doesn't want him back, moved on, etc. but still feels something deep down inside. I told her its different for someone you've spent a very long time with.

[AU Bob]

I really feel for you. Its been 10 months since WAS left, the first 6 were agony I suffered like never before, the loss of someone you have known and loved for 30 years is cruel, I could not sleep, I was distraught depressed and ashamed, my world was gone.
The last three months I have practiced the GAL system, and it has dragged me out of that hole I was in, my children and a couple of lady friends have brought me back to life again, and I have just about been successful in dropping the rope!
I am at the stage now where I have started to question wether I even want her back, she just took off and did not make any effort to work on it, she just said I could not change, she had issues herself but did not think she should have to work on them because that was just who she is, and she should be free to just be herself and you cant be married and do the things she wanted to do, so she left.
Too bad what it has done to the family, but its ok cause she is entitled to individual happyness, well thats what a councilor friend at the gym told her, too bad for her husband and children!
Anyway hang in there the pain decreases and you start to realise there is nothing you can do about them, your not particularly on their radar at this time, they have detached from you and are pursuing their happyness, so you need to do the same.
Some times I wonder if its destiny and its just ment to be, there could be someone else who comes into your life and makes you happier than you have ever been, not saying to give up on your M but just work on you.
Your a person who deserves to be happy you did not ask for this to happen, it was not your choise, so get out there and start to find things and people that can restore your zest for life!

[kiwiGAL]

Hi Broke,
I am supposed to have been at this longer than you - but feel very much like a beginner - you sound as if you are doing wonderfully - by being true to you.

I think DBing is for us as much as for the MR. It helps me to look after me and become the best me I can be. In my situation, for the first 2 years (!!) XH had very little and only random bizarre contact with our boys and i. Recently he has been in contact with the boys more. This has really thrown what i thought were my DBing skills - as i realise that rather than having boundaries in place and being detached - i simply had an absence of XH

With XH now having some contact I am having to actively apply what i have picked up about DBing - and am a novice in awe of how you are managing.

For me, DBing is helping me to recover from the utter shock of BD. While i feel overall detached from XH, he is not a consideration in my everyday life, i do still have days of disbelief and overwhelming sadness - i guess that shows the depth of our love and rather than questioning if DBing is prolonging my recovery, reassures me it is the only way for me to recover while that depth of emotion continues to exist.

Stay true to you -

[broke]

AUBob,

Thank you for sharing your story. For some reason, I'm having a really bad day today. It's the worst I've had in a very long time - frankly, I thought I was done with being this low. However, my IC said she really thinks I should consider it only 2 months over since that's when I confirmed the affair. She also said I'm incredibly hard on myself by thinking I'm a failure that I couldn't save my marriage and family.

Your story sounds similar - it was all about H's happiness. To hell with the kids or me. No effort to fix it and had an affair to fill himself up.

I look forward to dropping the rope. I'm so glad you are feeling better. It gives me hope that I'll be happy again. Someday. Thanks for reaching out.

[Nel]

[quote=broke

So, how many feel like this:

I long for the day when I don't go to bed thinking about my sitch or waking up thinking about my sitch. I would love for the knot in my stomach that has been there for 7 months to go away....

[/quote]

Broke-I know exactly how you feel. It can be all consuming which is why it is important to keep busy. I've found that being busy helps keep my mind off of H. It is not easy because it almost has to be a conscious decision. Do things that make YOU feel good, whether it's a massage, shopping, volunteering, or just being out with friends. I've read so many stories that once the spouse sees that you are moving on and continuing life without them that sometimes they will "wake up." Since it's only been a month that you've been DBing, it is going to take time. Like you, with a D in progress, I feel the time clock is ticking, but we can't control what our H's do; we can only control our own actions.

Nel

[Thornton]

Broke,

I'm so sorry you are struggling today. It's another wave crashing down on you. It's so hard, I know.

You aren't a failure, Broke. But I totally get why you struggle with those thoughts. I spent an hour with IC talking about exactly that. I blame myself too.

He called it stinkin' thinkin'. Your H clearly played a big part in the breakdown of things. And you have tried to talk to him, you've begged, you've pleaded to no avail.

I'm just going to come out and say it... your H is a jacka$$. He has no idea what he is throwing away.

When his A implodes (and it will), he better hope and pray that you are still around. Because if you aren't, he will experience everything that you've experienced since the bomb.

I know this is true because this is exactly what happened in my sitch with my ex-wife.

And remember, every time you have a bad day and feel down, it forces you to detach just a little more. Your mind has a limited amount of pain it dishes out before it runs out, once you've experienced all the pain, you're free.

[Sparkls]

A very dear friend's daughter is going through this with her baby daddy. (she's very young, 19 I think. He left her for some OW and is living with OW while she has to raise this beautiful child alone)

She posted this on fb today.
...That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is, I recognize the pain in those memories and I set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me, and im so done giving you that power over me. And I know you'll never read this, but I'll read this on those nights when I feel like everything is starting to fall apart, again and again and again. I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and to stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said "suddenly you'll just know, it's time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings." Well I'm trusting that this was just once short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page....
Onto the next.