Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[job]

It's normal to feel nervous/anxious because you don't know which personality will be arriving. Take a deep breath and just be yourself. If you have things to do, go do them. You do not have to entertain him and he can certainly find things to do for himself.

Try to picture him as a roommate who has returned from a business trip. You can be civil and if he asks something, you can respond back w/a polite answer. If he doesn't appear to want to talk, then leave him alone.

Good luck, dig deeper for patience and keep the duct tape handy just in case you feel the urge to tell him what you think.

[ciluzen]

Thongs? Oh my. My husband suddenly went from tighty-whiteys to colorful striped men's bikinis...the stripes "accentuated" stuff. He also took to showing them off to people, even at work. We all laughed, as it kind of went with his joking personality, but it was one or two notches up from his normal. This was when he had lost weight, highlighted his hair and changed his wardrobe.

Now he has calmed down from that, gained some weight back and is (as of when he left) back to wearing white briefs or colored versions of them. I think thongs would have scared me!

Job's advice, as usual, is spot on.

I still am struggling with how to deal with the various personalities I encounter. Its hard to plan for it emotionally when you aren't detached. You want so badly to not "screw up" the interaction that your anxiety sky-rockets and, with that, your emotions. I guess no expectations comes into play here.

Roommate, business trip. Sounds like a good plan. I will always add "smile" (casual, not crazy fixed) and eye contact. But that's just me. I do it every time now. For years (this HAS been a long time!)when he wouldn't look at me (looked past me often), I would retreat in a huff or even go cry in my room. Or roll over in bed if he was in there. When he wasn't smiling, I would reflect his sadness back to him. What a downer I was! So now, he sees a cheerful and interested listener when he is around. If this is truly about him working through his issues on his own, I can at least offer him a calm, upbeat person who listens. Still doing 180s, I guess.

[mleigh4]

Hi Mel,

I have been following your posts, you are getting some good advice here. You are in a tough place right now, I know it's hard to know what to do. I can understand why you are nervous about him coming home.

I think Job says it well, to just be yourself (I found that hard in the beginning because I didn't know who I was anymore!) Just keep busy and do what feels right as each moment passes. Be friendly but indifferent. Hawho is a great example of how to be with the MLCer in the house.

I have no advice about the A, other than to stay true to yourself. Focus on you and be kind to yourself. Good luck today, keep us posted.

Oh, and my H changed his underwear style too. But I noticed on our last vacation they were back to his normal style. Lol.

[job]

My xh changed his underwear from white briefs to boxer shorts, shaved all of his hair off, i.e., like a GI cut, changed his clothing style, changed his eating habits and chewed gum like a cow. His taste in music changed as well. The PI asked if I had any clothes that had been stretched out of shape because my xh was looking a cross dressing sites, etc. Yep, he had it all and then some. Later he pierced his ear for his twinkle twat and gained an enormous amount of weight. Oh, let's not forget all of the facial hair!

They all go thru their phases of trying to figure themselves out.

[melweb]

Thanks job, cil and mleigh. I needed that.

So, I am siiting in my bedroom when H comes home. I don't bother jumping up to greet him. But he comes to find me. He gives me a peck on the lips. Conversation: hows things, hows boys, he's tired, trip was long, yada yada yada. He goes sees boys and I get up to do laundry and he hugs me on way back in. Asks me if I have lost more weight. I have. Says he is really tired and going to nap. Ok-- I am on my way out with S15.

He is acting like nothing!! Like nothings wrong, like nothing happened, like he never sent an email saying he tried, but it just ain't working for him. WTF!!??

And ditto this morning. Wow. At least I remembered to walk away first.

Job-- omg. Cross dressing? I would 'lol' that but thats not even funny. My H had a full body wax ( and I mean FULL), is tanning and whitening his teeth. Wearing some skinny jeans. So of course you have to wear thongs with skinny jeans. You don't want a panty line!

I can do this roommate thing. Its how I started DBing. Does that mean no laundry, ironing? i am in a pickle over this one, as it was one of my 180s. Well, I always did all the laundry but not ironing. If I stop, it will justify his " see, you were just doing it to keep me from leaving."

[melweb]

I almost forgot... He still has his ring on. Might be a little thing, but it came off either right before or at BD#1. And went back on a month or so ago, a little after reconciliation #1.

[job]

I would stay the course for a while longer w/respect to the laundry. You don't want to change up your actions too quickly. However, if you prepare dinner and he's not there, eat and put the leftovers in the fridge. Don't wait on him to do anything. If there are things that he can do himself, slowly wean yourself off of doing them. May suggest that he help out a bit w/chores once in a while. But don't stop cold turkey or he'll swear you are doing things to get him back.

BTW, they experiment a lot during the crisis. Some of the things they do will curl your hair up in knots! I could share more of what I've seen on here...but you'll get a good idea as you continue to post and read.

[TxHubby]

Thanks job, cil and mleigh. I needed that.

So, I am siiting in my bedroom when H comes home. I don't bother jumping up to greet him. But he comes to find me. He gives me a peck on the lips. Conversation: hows things, hows boys, he's tired, trip was long, yada yada yada. He goes sees boys and I get up to do laundry and he hugs me on way back in. Asks me if I have lost more weight. I have. Says he is really tired and going to nap. Ok-- I am on my way out with S15.

He is acting like nothing!! Like nothings wrong, like nothing happened, like he never sent an email saying he tried, but it just ain't working for him. WTF!!??

And ditto this morning. Wow. At least I remembered to walk away first.

Job-- omg. Cross dressing? I would 'lol' that but thats not even funny. My H had a full body wax ( and I mean FULL), is tanning and whitening his teeth. Wearing some skinny jeans. So of course you have to wear thongs with skinny jeans. You don't want a panty line!

I can do this roommate thing. Its how I started DBing. Does that mean no laundry, ironing? i am in a pickle over this one, as it was one of my 180s. Well, I always did all the laundry but not ironing. If I stop, it will justify his " see, you were just doing it to keep me from leaving."

The problem is that you're trying to make sense of the random crazy ramblings of a person in a full blown MLC. You won't understand their craziness because you're sane. I was you. I gave up trying to make sense of it and filed for D. For us that did the trick. Not saying it would work for others, we'll all different. Even though our crazy MLC spouses might follow some of the same patterns, they're still different people and might respond differently to things you do.

When I was supportive and told her I'm waiting and that I love her, that didn't work. She took it for granted and kept acting crazy. When I really truly gave up then she snapped out of it.

I'd love to tell you what to do but I really can't. I will say, don't read too much into anything he says right now because he's in an MLC so he's not sane at this moment.

Just be the best you that you can be. Go ahead and plan on moving on. Envision what that looks like. Make plans toward it. That might scare him straight.

[Nel]

Melweb-

Isn't it amazing that they can act like nothing is wrong? It confuses us so much. You are getting a chance though to actually interact with him. Show him that he'd be a fool to leave you! Good luck!

Nel

[melweb]

Seriously Nel. Good grief. But you are right we had a good day, cordial, kind. He picked up dog poop (its normally my job), fixed my tv for me, and helped pick up dinner.

After dinner he brings up "us." The gist: he still loves me, always will, but he wants passion. And he just doesn't. Its gone and been gone for years. That everything from the last month and a half was while we were ML. Says he doesn't want a divorce but he won't make a rash, hasty decision like he did before the holidays. That he will treat me kind and courteous. I said all the things from the playbook: I am sorry you feel that way, I understand, I respect your feelings. I did ask of he would go to counseling as an honest attempt to work on us, and he said yes. Do you think its too soon to pursue this?

For the most part, it seems his actions are not lining up with the crap that is coming out of his mouth. After my shower, he came and gave me a hug and kiss good night.