CC Carlotta made some excellent points. You have control over your life and get set the boundaries with which you feel comfortable. He doesn't dictate the terms of the relationship the two of you will have. Maybe one day it won't bother you for him to go your son's room, but now it does, so you don't have to accept that. Mine rings the doorbell, he's come in when I have inivited him, not other times.
There are natural consequences to the actions that he took by leaving the family and I'm afraid in part you have been protecting him from them. It isn't business as usual anymore, by his choice. Your son needs to understand too that it isn't business as usual and that there is a place that is mommy's and a place that is daddys. It sends your son the message too, that daddy did leave, and this is your house now. He can bring any toys he wants to daddy or ask your permission first before inviting daddy in. Be practical and reasonable about requests your son makes. Usually he can take a toy over, but if it's a big item, then make the exception and allow the guy in. The difference is that it will be on YOUR terms and at that point YOUR choice, not something imposed on you.
Your husband may get a little hostile at first when when you set the boundary, but once he sees that's how it is and you aren't backing down, he'll settle down and accept it.
The decision to leave was his, but you have some choices about the aftermath. Don't forget that.
Quote: ...Oh I can't believe you looked at those pictures....I hate myself in pictures. lol
You are one fine lady and have nothing to "hate" in those pictures.....trust me. Absolutley gorgeous. ( I wish I would have gone to the party last year, after seeing them, too...chuckle...)
Set those boundaries. Carlotta and Mary have done just what I have done. I have done it since day one, you know why, because it hurt me to much if I didn't. And it was his choice to leave. And he was going to pay the consequences.
I know in his world he couldn't imagine the boundaries I placed, but his world was not the real world. I was dealing with the reality of it all, so he had to too.
The more I showed him the reality of it all, the more he got depressed. He si now seeing everything he has done has not made him any happier.
I know I have just floored him with my reactions. As far as your son, I was very honest with my girls, I simply told them the truth......it is way to hurtful for me to see your father and I cannot be his friend. They said they completely understood.
They were hurting too, so they could just imagine how much I was. Just tell your son how you feel CC, he will understand. I'm sure it hurts him when his father leaves, tell him it hurts you when he comes. I'm sure he could relate.
I truly believe me setting boundaries is what helped me survive. It was just self preservation, he wasn't going to hurt me or take anything away from me anymore.
It has helped me heal. Be strong CC, set the limits you need to, do it for you. Go with what you know will help you. Nobody else CC, if it helps you, do it.
MaryC, first of all, thank you so much for lending me a little space on your thread for some advice! I didn't mean to do that actually, but it's been really helpful so thanks. One thing my H doesn't like is consequences, it makes him see red and he's a fighter by nature, loves challenges. It's part of what has made him successful at least lately in his job. A bit aggressive by nature if you know what I mean. I'm strong but not assertive, which sounds like a paradox but it really isn't. I get hurt easily and aggressive people scare me. Anyway, I'm going to work on setting those boundaries. I just don't want him to think I'm mad because I think he'd actually get off on that, thinking that I'm miserable while he's loving life. I've tried to hold my head up high, particularly after the many, many months of groveling I did in the beginning! Once I started to avoid seeing him or talking to him, he took that as defiance or "snubbing" on my part, so see, I can't win. But it doesn't matter now, we're D and I really shouldn't care what he thinks.
Friend, I love what you say "have faith in faith" and I know exactly what you mean by it. And you know what, I HAVEN'T had faith in faith for a very long time now, but I want to. As I said to Mary, I want to set boundaries, but I know he'll take it that I'm mad because that's how he reads everything I do. He doesn't realize that it's about protecting myself, not being mad at him. I'm going to try very hard to work on myself, on being more assertive about what I need and want. Thanks for encouraging me in that direction.
Thank you Mary for initiating this thread. I am several years behind you in this process. I sincerely appreciate your candor in this on-going struggle to process our new life. Lily
When I try to set "boundries" for myself....I'm accused of being controlling. I know that the GF has issues that stem from her childhood with anything she perceives as controlling....and I try to make allowances for that.
I just dont see the point in getting upset with me because I want to lay out certain parameters for whom I want in my life...and how I expect them to act.
For example.....let's pretend that I had a real problem with people that drink alcohol..( I dont)....and that I simply choose not to associate with them. That would be seen as controlling, to her...and I would get chastised for preferring not to hang out with them.
Another example: "Where I come from....when two people love each other.....they advise the other ( ahead of time) where they are going after work, so the other can plan accordingly." Ok....that's my position. She calls it controlling. I call it consideration.
So...... while I know that I still have a lot of healing to do.....it seems that she does, too. The rub comes in, when we dont recognize that there's more healing needed.
But I just dont view boundries as control.....not control of another person, anyway. It's like this....I'm going to choose how I want to live and who I want to hang out with.... and if you dont fit into those parameters......I choose NOT to hang out with you. (That ticks her off.)
Is it control....or simply choosing my friends......or mate ?
It would only be controlling if you chose her friends.
When people love and care about other people, they try and do things to make the other person feel secure and happy. It seems like you are doing all the giving in this R and she is doing all the taking. Perhaps I am off-base. I'm not there with you both. I only know what you post.
If it were me, I would probably back up and date other people until I found someone whose thinking is more compatible with mine. I'm not so sure she is healing from past Rs. She seems a bit selfish. Just my opinion...
No BM, I sort of meant I would ask her to leave. Perhaps I'm stepping into an area that isn't any of my business, but I think you if you stick with her you are going to end up with a lifetime of making concesssions.
Obviously in the give and take of Rs we get our own way sometimes and other times need to give in. There should be a balance on both sides though. Do you think you have that It's a question only you can answer.
I was in a M where I made all the concessions. Didn't really get me much. He left anyway. I would never even consider a R like that again.
Please forgive me if I've crossed the line here. Like I say, only you can evaluate your R.
