I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm envious of the inner strength you've been able to develop after 9 months of dealing with this. I hope I get there some day. My opinion, for whatever that is worth, is that she is cake eating and you need to put an end to that now. Cut her off. She is using you to live the lifestyle that she wants and that life doesn't include you. You've used this time to better yourself and to build the strength you need to do what needs to be done. Send her packing.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
In which ways? I am changing them by no longer pursuing her. What other ways do you suggest.
I don't see you following the advice you were given. You are so scared of D, that you won't drop the rope on her. She knows that you know she is dating other men. She is not having an EA with one person. She is acting like girls gone wild. When I was doing what your WW is doing, I was called an Internet whore. I told you why you should not buy an apartment to share with the cheater, but you did anyway. No way is that being a lighthouse, a leader, an example for your kids. You are still letting her lead the relationship, and you follow whatever she says. Clearly, she is still in charge. You are tolerating your WW cheating. You are financially supporting her. She is using you.
Sorry if this sounds too harsh or rude to some of you guys who seem to think there is "strength" in taking this passive road, but the WW sees it being anything except strength.....or attractive. She will not commit to working on this MR as long as things continue down this direction.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In which ways? I am changing them by no longer pursuing her. What other ways do you suggest.
I don't see you following the advice you were given. You are so scared of D, that you won't drop the rope on her. She knows that you know she is dating other men. She is not having an EA with one person. She is acting like girls gone wild. When I was doing what your WW is doing, I was called an Internet whore. I told you why you should not buy an apartment to share with the cheater, but you did anyway. No way is that being a lighthouse, a leader, an example for your kids. You are still letting her lead the relationship, and you follow whatever she says. Clearly, she is still in charge. You are tolerating your WW cheating. You are financially supporting her. She is using you.
Sorry if this sounds too harsh or rude to some of you guys who seem to think there is "strength" in taking this passive road, but the WW sees it being anything except strength.....or attractive. She will not commit to working on this MR as long as things continue down this direction.
No, no. You are right on. The rope is DOWN.
I have already notified her that when our lease is up soon that it will not be renewed. I pointed out the things recently became aware of. Of course I was attacked for snooping, but whatever. I did not look at anything for months while I waited for things to improve, but she just took, and took, and took. I barely have anything left.
She now claims that she was just about to ask me back. Of course that is after I pointed out the condoms in her purse. (explained away because they were free samples, who turns down free samples?) & the fact that velcro love cuffs from our bedroom made their way to the apartment (Oh those? I took them to tie back my curtains!) But of course my violation of her privacy has ruined all that. She can't live with me. I am controlling. I'm too horrible because of my standard that my wife will respect me and our vows.
My last effort is a rock hard line. Completely detach. No more financial support. She says we are over and headed for divorce. I am hardened by it all. I've been pushed far enough. If she moves forward to divorce, I welcome it. If she is willing to end our marriage instead of ceasing this behavior and picking up the rope, then she never really loved me, and so be it. Or, I the door is still open for her. She can choose us and I will pick up my end of the rope.
We'll see. I made a $10,000 mistake. LISTEN TO SANDI.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
