Hello all. It's been ages since I logged in. I am still fighting the good fight. Things get better, then worse, then slightly better, then much worse....etc. You get the picture.
It has been 9 months since I found evidence of my wife's EA. Since then a lot has happened. I am putting it in bullets out of respect for your time. I am happy to share more to anyone that asks in a constructive way.
* On July 3rd there was a suspect "night out with friends". Upon her return, hotel keys in her purse. Went to hotel, found evidence of sexual activity. Confronted her. She admitted.
* July 4th was my 40th birthday. Happy birthday me...
* We tried living in separate bedrooms. Fail. She would lock me out nightly and sit on our bed chatting with men. It drove me insane.
* We rented an apt in August and began switching between there and the house. That way the kids stay in one place. It would allow her to have her space which she desperately craved.
* She quit her job (this was coming long beforehand). I now pay for all of both locations. It's really expensive. I can afford it but the waste is obscene. I agreed to the end of the job because I thought forcing her to stay in one she hates for the sake of finance would hasten divorce.
* We agreed to reassess after 4 mo. At 4 mo we decided to wait til after the holidays so as not to ruin them. After the holidays she didn't want to be pressured. Now our lease expires soon. A deadline looms.
* During this time she has continued to maintain an online dating profile and has dated other men. I have reason to believe, but no concrete proof, that she is sexually active with these men. She moved from Ashley Madison to adult friend finder. Her preferences on that site are not compatible with traditional marriage.
* Recently I discovered velcro cuffs from a better time in our marriage were missing from our dusty "fun drawer" (everyone has one right?) I asked her about it. She admitted to taking them to our apartment. Her reason: "to tie back curtains". She still carriers them with her daily.
* We have reconnected, then drifted, reconnected, then drifted. When we are good, it's heaven, but then she gets offended by some random thing and the result is always accusations that I am reverting to "The old me". We stop speaking. The cycle resumes.
* As the end of the lease approaches, she is pressuring me to extend it. She cites MY failure to show true change. I am resisting. I see no progress toward what I need in my marriage. She has taken no accountability for her role as 50% of our stitch. I see her living off of me, seeing other guys, potentially hosting them in the apartment I pay for. disrespecting me daily. When I express anger and frustration over this, she tells me I am displaying my old controlling behavior. I disagree. I feel like any man in my situation would be on edge, and I feel like I have handled it better than many would.
* I have passed through a crucible. I am hardened. No longer controlling or needy. I have found strength I never knew I had. I have reconnected with God in my way. I am resolved to claim my rights as a man, husband, & father. I WANT AND LOVE MY WIFE. But I cannot, will not, tolerate this much further. I want her, but I don't need her. I am emboldened by my newfound strength. She is sensing this. Pushing back hard. Eager to maintain her lifestyle of no job, no bills, and 3 days per week completely free to do as she pleases without parental responsibility.
Folks, I have turned both cheeks and I have worked my tail off for this marriage, for my kids, to save my family. I have little left. Your wise council is appreciated!
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
My honest opinion... cut her off. The party is over. When she's ready to change and be in a monogomous relationship, she knows how to get a hold of you. Until then, completely and totally cut her off.
Cut her off would be my answer too. She is having a hell of a time at your expense. Why would she stop and take responsability when she is treated like a princess? She is having a good life and living it to its full.
This sounds very similar to my ordeal. I have gone NC as possible with kids involved and have basically avoided even seeing her. She has been openly dating others through AM and other sites. I held out for months trying to fix things and DB as best I could. I finally had enough when she started being cold to the kids. I have since been reconnecting with old friends ( male and female) and keeping busy as possible. It has helped me tremendously. I have to agree with the others advice to cut her off. Let the lease end and let her figure out what being an adult is about.
M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7 T: 18 M:13 I suspect problem: 8/15 ILYB: 9/15 Never quit on love I ask her to leave:10/15
Don't beat yourself. There is nothing you can do as you can't control her. I never thought my STBXH would cheat on me, and he did. Something inside them snapped, you can't do nothing about it. Live your life the best as you can, now you are the person WHO matters not your W.
Put yourself first, then see how your life unfolds. I know easy to say, harder to do.
Folks, I have turned both cheeks and I have worked my tail off for this marriage, for my kids, to save my family. I have little left. Your wise council is appreciated!
Change the dynamics.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
