She then expressed to me how much respect she gained for me, for how I handled the entire sitch. She said, the way I handled the entire thing showed her what a real man is like.
There ya go!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hello everyone, sorry I have not been able to post in a long while, I have been deployed sadly. Just a little update on the entire situation with myself and WW. The last everyone heard We decided to work things out, but that didn't last very long. She came to visit for a week, and returned home to finish packing and making ready her move back out to where I was stationed. In that time she rekindled her relationship with OM. Luckily through all the self reflection and changes I had personally gone through I was able to handle that very well. That was about 1 year and 4 months ago. She stated she wanted a divorce and that too much water had run under our bridge, and she was still in love with OM. So I did what anyone I feel would do after years of back and forth,lies and finger pointing. I accepted that this was the end and moved on with my life, it took me a little while to come to terms with it but I have found peace and happiness again. As of two weeks ago I had not received D paperwork. I reached out to WW to find out when I could be expecting the papers as I wanted to keep it cordial and easy as possible. She responded by saying she doesn't, and never wanted a divorce, and she now realized how wrong she was about OM. She also stated she is still completely in love with me and I was the greatest joy and now the biggest regret of her life. but knows she ruined many chances to make things right through the past 3+ years of this affair. Now whether right or wrong I stayed single and worked on me for more than two years, after the previous attempt at reconciliation I met someone around 8 months ago and we have been dating. She knows all about my sitch. She is sweet, caring, supportive, and most everything I would like in a partner. These new emails have stirred an emotional side of me I had been able to come to terms with the past year. So now I'm kinda at a loss how to interpret my feelings. I want to be a good man, I care for the woman I'm dating, but I still have feelings for a WW that refuses to sign divorce paperwork. There are so many factors and I'm trying to rationally think these things through. But ohhh those same emotions, and the history of the past keep creeping up. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
First of all, thank you so much for coming back and updating us! Often people just drop off the radar and we never know what happened with them.
Originally Posted By: RysinMn
I feel would do after years of back and forth,lies and finger pointing. I accepted that this was the end and moved on with my life, it took me a little while to come to terms with it but I have found peace and happiness again.
And who could blame you? It was the right course of action.
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and she now realized how wrong she was about OM. She also stated she is still completely in love with me and I was the greatest joy and now the biggest regret of her life.
But you've heard this before and she still went back to OM. Is there anything this time that makes you think it might be different (I'm asking genuinely, I really would like to know)?
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Now whether right or wrong I stayed single and worked on me for more than two years, after the previous attempt at reconciliation I met someone around 8 months ago and we have been dating. She knows all about my sitch.
It sounds to me like you have done everything right. You gave yourself plenty of time and worked on yourself, you waited until you were in a good place before starting to date again. You found someone awesome.
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She is sweet, caring, supportive, and most everything I would like in a partner.
Meanwhile, your WW is a lying cheater who suddenly wants you back because what, OM dumped her sorry butt? Your WW has done NONE of the hard work that you have. She is nowhere near ready to skate back into your life. My suggestion to you would be to tell her that. Tell her that you spent the last two years in hard reflection and self-improvement while she was off having her fling with OM, you have grown as a person and she has not. Tell her you suggest she get in IC because she needs it for herself, and to maybe check back with you in 6 months to a year if she wants to talk about the R.
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These new emails have stirred an emotional side of me I had been able to come to terms with the past year. So now I'm kinda at a loss how to interpret my feelings. I want to be a good man, I care for the woman I'm dating, but I still have feelings for a WW that refuses to sign divorce paperwork.
Do you trust your WW? Could she maybe be doing this to keep you on as Plan B? She wants to wreck your new relationship only to go rushing back to OM once she knows she's got you back on the hook?
You will AGAIN agree to see your WW. You will dump a potential great girl to get back with WW. WW in turn will tell her OM, who will now beg her back, just like the last time. He'll change his tune, which will change your WW's tune, and you'll be back to square one. Again. Only this time, without the great girl you're seeing now, and without WW.
OR - you could block WW completely from your life (except to sign divorce papers), enjoy your new life with your new love and move on.
Look at the laws in your state - have you been separated long enough to get a divorce without her consent? (I may be sounding like an idiot here, I'm not sure how divorce works when one wants it and the other doesn't). I'd lawyer up, figure out how to divorce her ASAP, this way this shows your new girl you're serious about a relationship with HER.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
I've been giving all of those good questions a lot of thought the last few days.
I honestly cannot tell you what is different this time. She says that she realized that while friends she divulged way too much about me and her. And after realizing he had used all that information to more or less become me and give her everything I was giving her before I deployed. She stated she realized way too late what he did. And that she " " didn't love OM she loved another man who was trying to become me, and who prayed on her vulnerability.
She does however take full responsibility for her actions in her email "so in words" not actions.
Now on the question of trust, that is not possible. I expressed this to her. I stated my feelings of mistrust due to past actions.
Although I still care about her deeply, I cannot trust in her words, and she has not been out of the other relationship very long for her to prove anything.
I believe in up front honesty so I have told my GF the entire sitch. And through it all she has been my biggest supporter. As I've told her I cannot lie, after 15 years of memories, it's hard to be completely vulnerable again. Or even say I don't hold feelings for the past. But she never judged me, somehow she burrowed into my heart.
So now I look at things as, how would I like to be treated! What's right, do we have all the memories like my past, no we don't. But what's so wrong with that. After not hearing from my WW for over a year after she went back to him, I've realized one thing. I can be happy! But I just have to allow myself to be. I appreciate your perspective. It's always nice to read from others what you yourself are feeling/not thought of etc...
I'm definitely trying to get emotional closure to this thing by being cordial. I didn't however expect the emotional out pouring I got from her. I feel that is where I wasn't prepared. I had already come to terms that we were over. So to hear contradicted words was a little tough. I've laid on my cott for a few night going through my emotions making sure I do not do anything random, even been on a few runs, what I keep coming back to is
1) my career path, she left me while I was deployed. Here I am again deployed I don't know if she could have mentally handled this if we had actually made reconciliation 1 year and 4 months ago. That in itself is huge.
2) although she admitted it was her fault and it all stemmed from her being inherently selfish in her words, she still exudes those same tendencies. And how can it trust that.
3) saying you didnt love OM but you loved the man that he portrayed. Because he used all the things that are meant to stay between man and wife to his advantage. And essentially became me. Is really hard for me to understand. I cannot begin to understand what she went through, i so know the pain I went through and it wasn't pretty. My whole world revolved around that young lady. So for me chalking it up to she loved me, and fell in love with another person pretending to be me, is a bitter pill to swallow. It's like saying I'm upgrading to a 2018 when your driving the 2017 model.
4) it's been 3+years since the initial affair. I stayed single I tried to work things out. I know there really isn't an answer when someone asks when is enough, enough. And to be honest if I wasn't with someone I would probably be willing to see if this was something that could be salvaged. But the truth is I had to move on, and in moving on I found a wonderful, loyal, supportive person who has my back. And I owe her, and myself, the best me I can be for all the sacrifices we have made, and all we have endured. It definitely saddens me a little to have such doubts about something that was once so great, that now I can't even allow myself to think of the possibilities based on past experiences. No matter how heartfelt or sincerely they are meant. Does break my heart a little all over again.
it's good to let it all out and hear others perspectives. Thank you again
Is there a hurry to take WW back? I think she has a lot of work to do before she can even ask to come back.
So which one to pursue for your future. First, drop thinking your WW is anything but another woman, not your W. She has betrayed you many times and no longer has that title.
Can you forgive her? If you want a healthy R with her you will have to forgive and not pull the past out when you have arguments and such.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
There is no hurry what so ever to take her back. I'm actually hoping just a amicable ending to this whole ordeal after all this time. I know I can't trust, and I know I'm not ready yet to try at this juncture in my life. She has a lot of work to do on herself before there is even any talk of us and any form. Until then I'm happy with my life any way the cards may fall.
