WAW has seen a L and given notice that she is petitioning for D. I have 21 days to reply through my L. I see my L in 2 days. We are still Inhouse separated - separate bedrooms and bathrooms. We still communicate in person, via text, email. She still cooks the occasional meal for me, I still do housework etc, we talk about the kids and work, things are friendly without being overly warm. We watch TV in the evening on the same couch when we are both home and in on the same evening - which is not very often. I am trying to work away as much as possible - usually 2/3 nights a week. This puts more of the childcare pressure on her but it would also be like this if we separate formally.
WAW says she did it because I left her no option because I refused to leave the family home and separate - in the past she intimated that she wanted us to separate for 2 yrs then have an 'amicable' D. This is a legal option for D in the UK.
She said she was sorry for filing under Unreasonable Behaviour but she had no other option.
So my question is (and I guess only my L can answer it) : should I say through my L that I will accept S now if she doesn't file for D. We get a legal separation and agree to the financials going forward I.e. share costs for my rental. The D clock will start to tick ( remember it already has). She has the right of course to continue �and file under Unreasonable Behaviour at any time.
What's it for me? It buys me time and we get physical space to do our own thing? I can detach but leave the keep the road home smooth.
If she says no, I don't lose anything, she can march or crawl down the road to D. if she says yes then I would probably have to accept a smaller rental than I want just to be able to move out.
Our boys would have to share a bedroom - for 2 years possibly.
What's in it for her? Not a lot depending on her perspective and guilt complex. She might just think it's prolonging the agony, or she might agree and think this way it's more amicable.
Opinions please?
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
The biggest question is, what do you want? Do you want to be D'd? If the answer is 'yes', then go right ahead, accept everything she says about you and sign the papers. If you don't want to be D'd, then why agree? Yeah, S is sometimes the answer, but it's to got be on an equal footing; all I'm reading is that 'W wants this', 'W wants kids' etc. whilst she does whatever she wants.
It all depends on your financial might and how much you really want to fight for the M. Notice the distinction here about fighting for your W - she ain't interested, right now. Sadly, if you haven't got much in the way of finance, it's easy to take the bait, sign everything and then spend the rest of your days counting the cost.
IS, your W is a loose cannon right now. Personally, I didn't sign an S agreement and W stopped mentioning D last summer. It didn't suit ME. Right now, that, and your kids, are your only concern.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Hi Is, I guess you could let your W know that your preference would be to S, with a view to D after 2 years if that is what you both want at that point. She may say yes and she may say no. I told my H I would prefer that, but he didn't want us to settle finances without D and he wasn't willing to wait, and chose to file on UB grounds.
For me, I never wanted to D, but now it draws close, I'll be happy for us to have things resolved. I think if we tried to repair things, it would be from the ground up and I would rather do that from a place of complete independence - but then I haven't seen my H for 18 months, so I guess that makes things a little easier. As you say, there would be some compromises if you agree to wait for a while longer - but I bet your boys may enjoy sharing a room - especially with bunk beds!
Take care & good luck with the L appt
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Is, I guess you could let your W know that your preference would be to S, with a view to D after 2 years if that is what you both want at that point. She may say yes and she may say no. I told my H I would prefer that, but he didn't want us to settle finances without D and he wasn't willing to wait, and chose to file on UB grounds
This is what I will probably do. But I will wait until after my meeting tomorrow with L. She comes highly recommended from a solicitor friend of mine - 'she's the best D lawyer I have ever worked with' and doesnt take any sh!t.
I would probably add that she is free to continue the D under Unreasonable Behaviour of course ....so why accumulate L fees in the meantime. It means that I will leave the family home in 2-6 weeks - which will break my heart - I have put lots of effort into refurbishing that house over 7 years.New kitchen, ensuite, bathroom, fireplace, windows, doors, etc etc. I know its only bricks and mortar but its still gut wrenching and the thought of any other man living in that house kills me.
OK, time to let the emotional wave wash over me.....like a surf breaking...there.... its done.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
In this humble man's opinion, the "Last Resort Technique" can be one of the most misunderstood, most misused, most feared, and most underutilized of all of Michele's tools.
The LRT, as I see it, isn't so much a defined set of actions, patterns, or a "plan". To me, it's more of a lifestyle, an attitude, and a state of mind.
To me, it's the infamous "Dobson letter", the one that is written and re-written at least 10 times, truly taken to heart within yourself, then torn up and never sent. If you have the right state of mind, your partner will KNOW you have set both them, and yourself, free by your words, actions, and attitudes, without ever giving them the letter.
It's when you finally take your life back, knowing that the DB techniques you've been learning and practicing are mostly for YOU and the quality of YOUR life. If you happen to draw your partner back to you, well, that's an added benefit.
It's when you are able to quit "reacting" to everything your partner does, or doesn't say or do. You begin taking the actions required to make your life situations better for YOU.
It's when you can stop letting fear guide your actions, and can open your mind up to a whole new world full of solutions to the situations you face in your daily life.
It's when "going dark" isn't merely done to prove to your partner that their life will SUCK without you, while you're hanging around for them to "wake up", to call or show up to profess their undying love for you. It's when you can use the "dark" times to work on yourself, and take a much needed break from the chaos. When you can re-center yourself UPON yourself, and not them or your relationship with them.
It's when you are no longer willing to put your life on hold while you are "waiting" for your partner to "recover" from their MLC, depression, an on-going affair, their lack of love for you, or whatever. You realize that you are in charge of your own life, that YOU are responsible for YOU, and you don't have to sit around in limbo until THEY change. You totally quite playing the "blame game". It's when you realize that you are not a "victim" to what life deals to you.
It's when the dreaded word "divorce" no longer sends your heart racing and mind reeling. After all, most of us are in a position where our relationships ain't too great right now, or could be a helluva lot better. Wouldn't you really love to "divorce" yourself from THAT relationship, and start a new one with your partner that's even better than what you could ever hope or imagine?
It's when you realize that your partner is a flesh and blood human being, that they have their own faults, doubts, demons, and fears, just the same as you. When you can begin to let go of trying to control the way they think and feel. When you learn to let them "own" their thoughts and feelings without assuming that YOU are responsible for, or have control over, those thoughts and feelings. When you can not necessarily "understand" them, but truly "accept" them.
It's when you can learn to be humble enough to admit that maybe this really ISN'T all about you, and you can stop taking all of your partner's actions and moods personally. When you can let them talk to you, vent their anger, thoughts, and feelings to you, without you feeling that it's all your fault, and that you can "fix" it, and that you can make it all better. Or that they really WANT you to make it all better. Or, that you even have the power to do that.
It's when you stop trying to "push" or "pull" your partner back into the relationship with you, and begin to "draw" them back to you. When you strive to become an irresistible magnet that no person can stop from being attracted to. Someone that makes a positive difference in the lives of everyone they touch. Someone that can make your partner feel that their lives are less joyful, less fulfilling, if they decide to spend it apart from you, to not have you near them. That you are someone that can add meaning to their lives just by knowing you. That can be an example of being the best that you can be.
It seems that thinking about the LRT can bring many negative, doom-ridden, and "final" thoughts to mind. I encourage everyone to "reframe" these thoughts, to put a positive spin on the concept, to see the actual benefits of this tool. (Or, maybe, we should have this "state of mind" FIRST instead of saving it for LAST?!)
I know that there's a lot of times I wish that I would have seen this tool in a more positive light sooner in my journey. As for me, it may be something I want to use as an "On Going Technique" instead of a "Last Resort Technique"!
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
It seems I am getting close to where you are now. I have had my W threaten me that if I don't start looking into options for where I am going to live when we sell the house and what I want as far as what to include in a separation agreement she will be forced to just serve me S papers.
I have not really looked into anything till now, I am now trying to wrap my head around a plan and what I want. I have been having trouble with what I want.
You too seem to be having the same trouble and I think the first step is to start thinking about it and what you want should come to you.
In house S can only go on for so long. I hope you can find all the answers you need.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Hi Isit, I'm also doing some back-reading on your sitch....now I know that you're a DB neighbour! If you have any feedback to offer after reading some of mine, I'd welcome that. Equally I'll see if I can offer anything to you.
Two things I did want to ask is - what did you think of Brene Brown, and did watching her TED talks lead you to delve any deeper into her stuff? I read Daring Greatly and found it so useful. Also, have you confided in any 'real life' people about your sitch, or has it very much been you, the forum and IC up to now?
Hope you are keeping your chin up today & take care
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Vise - thanks a lot - I think separation is next, then w drives the bus.
Sotto - I have confided in 3 friends only, mainly over the last 3 weeks. One is a old work colleague in London. She is divorced. Her H was a secret alcoholic and addictive gambler!
Another is male and a good old friend but remote from W and last week I confided in a previous work colleague now retired. She lives in Wales.
I also have told my solicitor friend from the running club - but no detail yet.
I haven't told any family or close friends. But the person I might rent from is a friend - he is moving in with his GF who has just given birth to their son!
Family will know soon enough - I'm in no rush to tell them
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I dont know the laws in the UK but in some US States you should not leave the house without something tight from a legal perspective
Isittoolate- is your overall goal to hope for R during those 2 years? It does buy you time which is great and assuming if you could initiate the D during those 2 years if you wanted to?
Its a nice long time.....I get 3-5 months from time she files and we agree...not a long time but then again, if that is what needs to happen and that peice of paper is just a piece of paper, so be it.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
