Hi DB'ers. Its been awhile since I last wrote. I had my first mediation session with SH last week and he was a hostile ass, but did concede to coming with me to MC one more time to explain a little more completely why he wants D.
We went last night. I am still super emotional about it. I had been very keen on NC for the month prior, had blocked his number (which he only put together on Sunday) and dropped my manic pursuing. I thought that he wasn't responding but four weeks into NC/first mediation-I started getting little one line emails from him (only way we could communicate as we had both blocked each other on all social media/phone) saying that he wanted to send me money, that he was worried about how I was getting by. He sent double the amount that he said he would.
i have just been responding with one line emails, keeping light conversation going. On Sunday am he said he was having a rough time and we spoke that afternoon. He said that he had written something about why he wanted to end the relationship to read at the MC and that he hoped I wouldn't be angry when I heard it. We talked for awhile and why I did the bad pursuers question, "do you ever miss me?" he said "all the time."
Yesterday I went to the MC for the meeting. He read his essay. To sum up, it was very loving and well articulated and said that he felt that he was being a bad husband to me and wasn't strong enough to deal with my BiPolar2 diagnosis. He also said that seeing me go through my miscarriage/termination and subsequent hospitalization made him terrified of getting me pregnant again. (more details about this are in previous thread--it was deeply traumatic.) He said that after that, he was afraid of having sex with me.
We both sat there and cried and I had a chance to explain to him that even though everyone seems against it, I am still in love with him. He said something of the same.
The MC ended the session by saying, "I just want to make a point here, as I have been seeing you two together for the past year, there is still a great deal of love here. When each of you are doing well individually, you are good partners for each other, its when one person starts to stumble that you get stuck in a negative feedback loop and communication breaks down. For some couples, divorce and separation are the best things that can happen to their relationship because it brings them together again."
He took my hand and walked me back to the train. Both of us were crying. I got on train and came back--text messages from him this am.
All my friends and family are dead set against him due to his depression/unemployment and erratic mode swings. As is my IC. But they don't understand how I feel inside. But still, here I am, finding myself re reading my DB stuff and scanning the forums to see if anyone else there is experiencing the same thing.
Any words of wisdom you might have--advice on how to try to rebuild, or I just need to work on letting go.
Hon - you don't have to do either. Keep doing what you've been doing. Focus on you.
I have quite a feeling of hope from your last interaction - but it is always best to keep expectations at zero. Until the WAS shows up, full of remorse and begging for another chance, it's not really over.
Keep up with the friendly exchanges, though. You can do a lot with a friendship. That is a really good place to start.
So my advice is: keep focusing on you and how you need to grow, and be friendly with H without getting your hopes up.
Easier said than done, I realize. Just remind yourself daily that until he shows true remorse and asks for another chance, it's not over.
