Apparently it's time for a new thread. Still don't know how to link the old ones to the new one.
I have still been unable to detach, but I am trying. God knows I'm trying, I just am having a hard time cooperating with myself! I know what I'm supposed to do/not do but there's this one part of my brain that takes over and before I know it I'm driving by his house again. And, again. And, again. The thing is, I KNOW if he were to see me drive by I would be so mad at myself for having allowed that to happen, but yet I do it anyway. I will continue to work on it every day and eventually I WILL get there!
I have been doing some serious GALing though. Does that cancel out some of the badness of the drive bys? I have been hanging out with some new friends, going to different places and trying new things. I have been out 3 times this week, and that's in addition to just going to someone's house to visit. That's awesome for me! Just this last week I actually got up and sang karaoke (as a group, NOT by myself LOL), I danced with a guy that I don't know 3 times in one night (havne't been dancing in 25 yrs!!!), and last night I met up with some friends and went to a restaurant/club and ate while listing to a live band. These are all things I would have never done before. They really aren't in my comfort zone, but I did have fun and it was nice just getting out of the house. Have been thinking about looking into dance lessons. I am NOT a dancer and do not want to look like an idiot if I go dancing again. Have also been thinking about checking on taking a cooking or cake decorating class or something like that. I think it would be lots of fun.
Anyway, there you have it. That's what I've been up to and where my thinking is for now. Trying hard not to think about H and what he's doing. He still enters my mind a lot, but not quite as much as he used to. I really don't want to move on, but I'm afraid that it might just be starting to happen and that scares me.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
One thing you may try to make things easier is to think about all the different scenarios that could be taking place, not just the one you have automatically created in your head.....
For example, if they are out for her birthday and she's the type of woman that has no problem being as brash as you described, maybe they are out with a bunch of friends and she's ignoring him while hitting on other men.
I know that I tend to assume that I know what they are doing and what is going on. I also know that my mind reading skills sometimes have me thinking something different than what is going on. I would love to think that she would ignore him and flirt with someone else, but she drove 5 hrs up here just to walk in the house while I was with him. Someone doesn't put that much effort into someone they don't intend to be with. Not to mention that I am just not that lucky. He has been down there visiting her for the past 4 days. Beginning to wonder if he's ever coming back. Perhaps I can come up with a different scenario.... Maybe while he's down there, there was information stollen from his bank and they had to immediately cancel his debit card. He is unaware and takes her out for a nice dinner with appetizers, drinks, and the most expensive thing on the menu. When he goes to pay, they come back to the table and tell him that his card was DECLINED. He is feeling completely embarrased and humiliated in front of this oh so special H stealer and has no cash on him. How unfortunate that she has to pay for her own birthday dinner. Then, when they go back to the hotel, he can't stop thinking about what she must think of him and he can't get past the embarrassment. Such a shame because it also prevents him from being able to have sex with her. What a shame that would be if he were stuck down there with no way to spend money on her and unable to have sex with her because of his embarrassment and humiliation.
Okay....now I feel better!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, your GAL activities sound awesome and are the kinds of things I have been doing. You don't have to come up with crazy scenarios for H, because the bottom line is that the "truth" is that 2 cheating liars are spending time together, how could that be a good thing for anyone? Eventually one or both of them is going to cheat and lie on the other. While you are out having a good time with friends and becoming the best version of yourself and holding your head high.
Thanks Fo. Just been having a hard time since the Jan 1 when this all started over for me. Not to mention having to actually SEE them together in the same room. I really believed everything that he said to me when he said he wanted to work on things. So now I keep thinking about everything and wondering if ANY of it was true and if so, what part. It's amazing to me how we give so much power to hurt us over to our cheating spouses. The sad thing is that when he's not even around to hurt me, I do it for him! UGH!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB, your GAL activities sound awesome and are the kinds of things I have been doing. You don't have to come up with crazy scenarios for H, because the bottom line is that the "truth" is that 2 cheating liars are spending time together, how could that be a good thing for anyone? Eventually one or both of them is going to cheat and lie on the other. While you are out having a good time with friends and becoming the best version of yourself and holding your head high.
Amen, Fo! You've got plenty of reasons to hold yourself in high esteem, MB. I know, I know - it's hard to feel that way when you perceive that you've been rejected by the one person you don't want to be rejected by.
I keep saying this, though - OW and H have nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with you. This is all about H's problems. He is using this idiot to make himself feel better about himself. At the same time, it will never work. He's cheating - he knows he's cheating - he may feel better for an hour or two, but reality will set in, and then what is he going to feel good about?
He's a cheater? He abandoned his W and family? He's in for a world of pain. So is she. And it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
MB, have you heard of the Law of Attraction? We started a conversation about this on one of Ancaire's threads. I will probably not explain this well. But, the point is, that we attract things into our lives with our thoughts. If you think about your problems, you will "attract" your problems. If you think about your H with the OW, you will have more of "H and OW" in your life. So the trick is to think about things that you want. If you start to wonder about H and OW, replace it with a thought of something for you. Start small. Visualize yourself sleeping peacefully, walking down the street with confidence, your home filled with laughter. Try to "feel" these things, the peace, the joy, the confidence that accompanies the visualization. Try to "feel" like you have already achieved this. The more you do this, and the more specific you get, the more you will start to notice these things actually in your life.
I have been doing this for a while now, and I am VERY good at attracting material things into my life. Not as good with emotional things, because I get distracted by my emotions and my fears start to take over, but I am getting there. I have been visualizing myself with better posture and eye contact, working on developing a calm assertiveness. And it is working! I am also using this technique to help me sleep better and it is working.
Anyway, my point is, please find some way to take the focus off H and OW. The more you think about them, even if its a fun "revenge" fantasy, the more they will occupy your life. The more you think about yourself, your kids, a hobby, etc, the more that will occupy your life. You have more power than you realize.
MB Your GALing is inspiring to me. It truely makes me want to get out and make myself happy. To focus on something else. I am getting out too, you just make me want to do it more! As for our minds drifting to S, if its getting less thats a positive! They may never be completely gone, thinking of them less is such a great step tho.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Much of my hard time is of my own doing. I know that I'm hurting myself by driving by H house. I don't do it to see if OW is there because she doesn't live around here. I do it because I want to see if HE is there. I guess my payoff is the momentary sense of relief I get when I see that he's at home & not with OW and that is, for me, stronger than the thought of what will happen if H isn't home, or if OW is there.
If I see you doing this next week...I am sicking the troops on you! I'll call Shotgun to come kick you *ss!!!
You posted in Shotgun's thread about a place your H used to live? Bingo. That's where I find myself stuck for a short while.
Now I'm starting to wonder if both our H's know the same Ho...
LOL
All the places you named sound way too familiar, except for Taylor. (Incidentally my mother was born in Taylor way back in the early 1940's - what a small world, in a big state!)
Court date is this month, the 20th. Anxiety is smallish, but building a bit.
Have also been thinking about checking on taking a cooking or cake decorating class or something like that. I think it would be lots of fun.