Today on the way to the store I cried in the car. I was thinking how everything I do is not good enough to stop the train wreck of my marriage from happening. Nothing is good enough, maybe I'm just not good enough for her.
When people complement me I respond with a wisecrack or a self deprecating comment. I was thinking about the welding teacher complementing my improvement in a technique and I basically disagreed with his assessment. The next time I showed him my work he asked me why I am so hard on myself.
I then started to think about "little Mu" and the tears flowed. I think these feelings of inadequacy started a long time ago. I've tried to soldier through them over the years. My failing marriage is not allowing me to ignore it.
What do I have to do to feel adequate? Will it even help me with my situation.
I was waiting for you to ask, I am only a little way ahead of you on this road.
Your tears for little Mu are releasing and wonderful. This isn't self pity but healing. Over the next few weeks more memories will arise and some of them will be painful, please face the pain. This integrates the feelings with the events and helps you stop the two from being separate. It is referred to as integration. Making this part of your life story.
-------------------------------------- My understanding is that when we are abused as children we get stuck, our parents can't be wrong, what they say takes precedence as we want to please them and be loved, have approval. Our very survival and well being depends on it.
So we hear what they say to us and we attempt to resolve it. A wise crack or self deprecating comment is the voice of the abuser in our subconscious. We have done this for so long that it ceases to be conscious, it is automatic script.
When you bring this to mind you may hear the intonation of your dad or mum, for instance well really you aren't all that. Is that all? 95% what happened to the rest. Smart Alec aren't we. They are jerks anyway. Etc.
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So this is only partly about W and you. As you say it goes back. Little Mu wasn't inadequate, he was just told he was so many times that it made sense to him.
When you think of Little Mu, it strikes you as unfair and believe it was. This inadequate parenting of a father who was a systematic abuser and his codependent wife was blatantly wrong and deliberately damaging.
I want you as Mutatio to hug that precious and brave Little Mu and tell him you made it, despite all of that you made it to adulthood. I want you to love that intelligent and feisty boy who has broken the pattern to successfully be an amazing dad to his own children. Hold him dear and say if you had been there it would not have happened. Little Mu did the best it was possible for a child to do in those circumstances and you are proud of him.
Those nagging voices that tell you that you are inadequate will rise to your consciousness, poke them and turn and say, dad mum, I am a far better parent to my children many times over than you ever were to me and you need to stop abusing Little Mu, if I had been there when these things were happening then I would have reported you. What you did was not fair or right.
It is ok to say that out loud too.
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If you need help In real life then that's ok too.
And yes my lovely Mu, you will feel more than adequate, you will know you are.
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I took my parents voices to task about the neglect of funny bunny, about her lack of childhood, about the responsibility, the lack of interaction, the benign neglect. I really went at it. I had a picture of her aged 8 when she was the parent tor sisters and I held her so close.
It's tiring and emotional work always is. It's integrating and releasing, you can let go of soldiering on and pause to love, protect and compassionate care of Little Mu.
We can let this marinade and these precious wonderful children can start to grow.
I love Little Mu already for his ability to stand for himself to the best of his ability, what more could we ask of him at age 10?
V
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
I am holding this together for my children. I am trying to save this marriage for my wife in the hope that she is in a MLC of sorts and may one day want a relationship with me. I am using my commitment to my family as a crutch to travel down this path. There are moments I am barely keeping it together. I don't trust myself not to latch on to Jelly or Fo. I like them. I am in tears right now. My attachment is stronger then I thought. I am married and cannot do what I want. I can't do this. I don't trust myself.
OK
Where does this sense of not trusting yourself come from?
Is this sense because you connect easily with women rather than men?
So how are you using your family connection as a crutch?
What does it feel like to be seen as an attractive man in this world?
How are you going to handle that you have become a man only a fool would leave?
Is this stopping you from having a rounded life?
V
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
Thank you V for taking time me. I'll get right to it.
Where does this sense of not trusting yourself come from? I am afraid of sabotaging my marriage.
Is this sense because you connect easily with women rather than men? I think I do. I like women.
So how are you using your family connection as a crutch? It is best for my son if we stay together as a family while he finishes high school. When I get down and want to give up, I use my families best interest as a way to keep me going.
What does it feel like to be seen as an attractive man in this world? There are many facets of attraction. At its most basic level it manifests itself as desire and from there works it way eventually to love.
How are you going to handle that you have become a man only a fool would leave? I don't know. I am afraid of getting hurt again. I want emotional and physical intimacy but am not sure I want to risk the pain.
Is this stopping you from having a rounded life? I think so.
Hi V, I appreciate you taking time for me, so here we go.
What do you mean by crutch? I find the strength to keep trying by doing whats best for my kids. I have felt a few times like giving up but my son and daughters deserve my best effort. My dedication to my family keeps me going when I am downhearted.
Only one crutch? I believe so, besides my family my only motivation is my love for my wife. I don't view that as crutch. It's the reason I'm here but not a crutch.
Is it the right or left side? Is this a function of the right vs left brain? I do not visualize a crutch, just my family and that buoys me.
Are you right or left handed? I bat and throw lefty and I write righty.
Do you only see attraction in terms of R? I am attracted to women that I will never have a relationship with. When there is an attraction and an opportunity for a R to evolve, that's where the slippery slope to a EA may be found.
Please explain what friendship means to you. Friendship is something two individuals share when they enjoy each others company, common interests and experiences.
Please describe your earliest friend. He was just another boy in the neighborhood. He lived a few doors down. We rode bikes, played sports, went swimming together and boy stuff like that.
Please tell me what you like most about your current best friend. I don't have a best friend. I have a few friends I rarely see. Most of the people I'm friendly with are mutual friends of my wife's. If I am divorced I will drop my wife, drop the friends and start a new life out west. To be honest, right now, I'm not sure I even want any friends, maybe a dog. The irony is that I am an extrovert pondering life as a hermit. My only weakness is women and I'm not sure I can trust anyone again. One risks a lot of pain for companionship and people let you down.
