No I see that. So what is best way to avoid that? Ignore it? Say. Ya I bet it is and change subject or walk away. Or do I just step up and say I'm sure your concerned about that. And you chose this situation. That said I working in my family and my own needs and that doesn't involve worrying about you leaving me
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Validating does not mean being her friend. A friend can listen to the nervous excitement about destroying a family. Not you. You could say (if you feel the need to recognize her feelings)-something like-sounds like you are dealing with a lot, good luck sorting this out but I'm not that interested in discussing this with you. And definitely do not let her tell you about OM other than to say you'd love the op to break his jaw (metaphorically of course). That's my 2 cents
No I see that. So what is best way to avoid that? Ignore it? Say. Ya I bet it is and change subject or walk away. Or do I just step up and say I'm sure your concerned about that. And you chose this situation. That said I working in my family and my own needs and that doesn't involve worrying about you leaving me
Honestly, it's not your job to make her feel comfortable leaving you. And that's pretty much what I would say.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I find it hard not to be there when she wants me to be. I keep repeating to myself this is her choice not mine. I am seeing it is a fine line to walk detaching and still caring and not slipping back into being totally available to her. It just occurred to me she never asks how I am getting along. Why am I concerned?
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I find it hard not to be there when she wants me to be. I keep repeating to myself this is her choice not mine. I am seeing it is a fine line to walk detaching and still caring and not slipping back into being totally available to her.
Just stay consistent when you interact with her. If you waffle back and forth you weaken yourself.
Quote:
It just occurred to me she never asks how I am getting along. Why am I concerned?
It's weird, but pretty normal - they are all wrapped up with what's going on with themselves and are very emotionally selfish. It might change, and it might not. After months of one-way conversation, my wife now asks about what's going on in my life. But i will caution you not to read anything into it if she starts asking about you. It DOES NOT necessarily mean she's starting to get her feelings for you back
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
I know it feels like the most important thing in the world is exactly what and how you say things to her. Valid arguments can be brought forth for supporting her because she is reaching out to you as a friend on a fear she has, and showing strength by not allowing her to disrespect you.
I want to suggest you turn your back on the whole argument. It does not matter right now if you are nice or mean. It does not matter what you show her right now. There is absolutly nothing you can do or say to change her in any way right now. By worrying so much how she will react, you are making this last longer for yourself.
The way you feel will drastically change when you put in the blood, sweat and tears it takes to keep your focus solely on you. You have some fan-freaking-tastic goals and things going on in your life that have nothing to do with her. Obsess about them.
I know you are not 100% there yet, so here are a few words of advice to get you through, but the following paragraph should not matter to you if you can get the focus on you.
You do not need to be cold, mean, happy, dull quiet or anything towards her. Treat her like you would treat your next door neighbor, but dont allow her to talk to you about OM or moving. Change the subject or walk away if they come up. Talk happily to her about your life or hers and just when the conversations are getting good, leave to do something important for you. Leave her wanting more, be mysterious.
I can tell from your posts that you are going to get the hang of this, I promise. Please, please dont read my post as criticism. You are brave and strong for just being here, fighting the good fight for the most important thing in your world, your marriage. If I did not believe you could do this, I would not have bothered saying any of it. You can master this with a lot of practice and patience.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thank you Sandi, Azzork, Scidad and Mona for your advice and input on my sitch thoughts and feelings. This is no where near as easy as it seemed at first. As u was approaching this wrong. I do want to stand up and walk away from talks. I guess we. Conversation starts. If it's something i don't want to hear about or discuss. No matter how hard it is not to support and show I care I can't. It becomes about her at that point. She will get angry and hurt that I am not available like I used to be. She chose this tho. That she didn't want me to be that person. And she may or may not miss the fact that I was. ( I have a feeling she does). At the same time. It can't be my concern whether she cares or not.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Side note ( I am very happy to continue the discussion we have been having) so looking for advice on plans I have for tonight. There is a local ski hill that is open in re evenings making it great for a person that is busy all day. I have always loved snow boarding and am planning on going more this year starting tonight if everything can work out , mostly child care. So the issue now becomes W. She also enjoys it and I believe she will be home tonight. Do I ask if she would like to come? That I feel not as favourable. Do I say I'm going to the hill and if she asks to come do I say sure? Or do I say no this is for me. I plan on going either way if I can. But if she asks to join do I deny her or accept her company?
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Maybe you'll be lucky like me, she'll say something or do something, and something inside you will simply click and turn off. I suspect after the disaster of my WW's 1st A ending caused her to get desperate, and she immediately sought another fix. Catching her in a lie, something snapped and made her very unattractive, even repulsive to me. I now desire no contact, no friendship, no emotional validation whatsoever from her. A place I had thought I may not be for awhile. But right now, atm, my emotions for her have suddenly shut off, and my daughter and me is all I care about.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
