Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

Iwas asked to start a new thread, so I thought I'd do it by copying what had happened to throw me back on the crazy roller coaster ride. I still am having trouble wrapping my mind around this. I REALLY wished that I had listened better to the advice I was given.
I would REALLY appreciate any input that you guys can give me on how to proceed. I can't afford to make another mistake. Hoping it's not too late.

Sigh......... Okay, I'm back here. I'm confused, in shock, angry, hurt, devastated, etc...etc...etc. Not sure what to think. Not sure what to do. Not sure what the hell happened! Got the rug pulled out from under me again. Didn't expect it. Guess I should have, but just didn't want to see it coming I guess.

I had been doing well (on the outside) with the no contact. Went for about 5 weeks, then just had to go see him. So, I did. He apparently had missed me a LOT and thought I had moved on and wasn't ever coming back. We had a great visit and the next day he broke things off with the OW. We began spending time together and we're seeing each other every day. He was great at first. I checked phone records and there were no calls to or from the OW and I was really starting to let my guard down a bit. We had a nice Christmas together (Or, I thought so anyway). He even bought me a beautiful (not cheap!) ring that he wanted me to wear as a wedding ring while I'm at work since I can't wear my other one while working. There were a few red flags, but I thought we could talk through them. He was becoming a bit controlling again by not wanting me to ride to work with my friend (female), and kept saying that "nothing had changed" like I promised it would. But, things HAVE changed. I'm wondering if he was referring to my children (all teenagers 18 and older). Said I had so much "drama" that surrounds me which isn't even remotely true. But, he said he wasn't sure he could handle the drama. He agreed to go to a counseling meeting with me last Wednesday. I thought it went well. I really did! He did mention the drama thing to the counselor, but couldn't be specific about what he was talking about. I worked the next night and then went to see him Friday afternoon after I woke up. He just seemed kind of withdrawn and quiet. Stupid me, I ASKED him what was wrong. That's when it happened. He pulled the rug right out from under me again. Said he needed some time alone and just wasn't able to deal with our relationship. WTF!?!? I, of course, in all my calmness and DB ways began crying and begging him not to do this to me/us again. In my head I was screaming STFU!! But, out of my mouth it came our more like begging and pleading. What was I thinking!

He really and truly seemed hurt and torn and the more upset I got, the harder it was for him. He was sitting there with tears in his eyes and looked like he was about to jump out of his skin. He looked like he was about to go into a full panic attack every time I even tried to touch his hand. As hard as it was for ME to hear that from me, my heart really went out to him. Not sure why I have to care so much more about everyone else than I do about myself. Anyway, when I didn't leave, he started putting his shoes on and said he was going to leave and go for a drive because he just couldn't stay there. I told him he didn't have to leave, that I would go. This is the absolute freaking best part here......

We were both standing in the middle of the floor and I was telling him goodbye...gave him a hug and a kiss and was reassuring him that everything would be okay. Then, there was a knock on the door. He went to answer it and I could just hear him ask the person what they were doing there. Then, he stepped aside and let them in. It was HER. The OW. Right there in the house with me and my H. I could tell by the look on his face that he didn't. Know she was going to be in town (she lives 5 hrs away). I was just frozen in shock. Didn't have a clue what to do. She walked right past me and said "HI!' In the most Phony and bubbly voice ever. Then, she went to his bathroom to get her bathrobe and curling iron that she had left there a couple of weeks ago. Seriously, a 5 hr drive for a robe and curling iron? I just felt like I was going to die right then and there. I got so nauseated and felt like I had just been ran over by a truck. She had to have seen my car there. Why would she stop? What was she trying to accomplish? WHY did he let her in the house? And, more importantly, why was he trying to replace me with someone that looked so TRASHY?

I talked to him for just a few minutes after that and then I left and so did he. As far as I know, he didn't get home till after midnight. I cried till my eyes were so swollen I could hardly see. They are still swollen today. Lovely look for me! I got up today and took a shower, got ready, and then went over there. He wasn't home. I tried to call him twice today with NO answer. I guess I have no choice but to start the 180 again.

This is SO unfair! We were doing so well, what happened? I just can't start this all over again. Dear God, someone please tell me that ther is something I can do. I am tired f being lonely,, sad, alone, etc. If anyone has any advice or words or wisdom, please shar them with me.

He really did seem like a scared little boy last night. Someone that just can't see a way out of their despair and confusion. He kept apologizing to me for doing this again after he promised me he wouldn't. Please help...I'm feeling desperate again over here.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2625540#Post2625540

[- MB -]

I have no idea how to link my origional thread to this one. Can someone help me with that?

[Rain75]

Hey MB...how was today?

And I just copy while I am on my thread then paste it into my new one.

Rain

[- MB -]

Hi, Rain. Today was a looooong and lonely day. It really is just like starting over again. I was enjoying talking to him every day and getting to see him. He has been my best friend for the past 12 years. And, now, he's just gone, AGAIN. It's like the last 3 months didn't even happen and I'm right back at the original BD. I miss him so much. I only cried 3 times today. Tried to sleep because I had to work tonight, then they called me off and put me "on call." UGH! I can't catch a break!!! Aside from needing the $, I just really needed to work and try to keep my mind off of things. Sigh..... So, I picked myself up, got dressed and put on makeup, then I went to a friend's house and told her to get dressed because we were going to town. We went to two new stores in town and checked them out, then went to Applebee's for a late dinner. Got back home around 10. Then, I took one of my daughter's to Wal Mart to buy some cat food and a few groceries. Just got home about 30 minutes ago. I drove by his house on my way home while my daughter kept telling me NOT to go by there. Just had to see if OW car was there. Heck, who am I kidding, I did it because for just a second, I felt close to him again and it gave me just a little peace to know he was there in that house. Now I'm fighting back tears again and wondering when I will ever feel okay. I took a Xanax earlier to get my hands to stop shaking. Pretty sure it's wearing off. I hate my life!

[- MB -]

I'm sorry Rain, you probably didn't actually want to hear all of that. It has just been a really hard day and I'm sure it's just the first of many more to come. Having a hard time coping. Seems all the progress I had made is just gone. I am actually a strong person in every aspect of my life EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE. Still just sitting here trying to figure out what the heck happened and how to fix it even though I know it's out of my control. Hoping tomorrow will be better.....

[Rain75]

MB....that's what we're here for. You're better than me. When I feel that down...and trust me its a lot of the time...I haven't really posted here. But I should. It helps to vent.

Im sorry youre at square one again. It feels shitty. I know. You think you're just as bad as the first time but you aren't. You got dressed and went out this time. And not just driving around either. That is progress! You also WANT to go to work. Again, progress.

You have to allow yourself to feel good about those things. But sweetheart, next time, listen to your daughter. She was right. I know that it's hard. I still want to see if he is home and if he is, who he is with. But I know it will hurt me and hasn't he hurt me enough? Why add to my own misery? So I stay my butt home.

Have you read DR again? Im starting today. I also read sandis rules again last night. And reading other people's threads helps too.

I hope today is better than yesterday for you. For both of us.

Rain

[- MB -]

Thanks Rain, you're very sweet! It's REALLY a shame that you don't live by me. We could totally GAL together! We could drag each other out to go painting, or yoga, or whatever just to get out of the house.

I do hope today is a better day. Yesterday SUCKED royally. I have been up all night long reading and rereading threads. I jumped down to the MLC section. I reread Sandi's rules for the umpteenth time. I read other's posts. Seriously, alllllll night long that's what I did. Then, since the sun came up all I can think of is that H is at work and I really want to call and talk to him. OMG! I so wish I could turn my mind off for just a while. And, no, I haven't called him. Can't promise that I won't, but, I'm working hard to keep my hands off my phone. LOL

As for driving by last night, I haven't been able to stop doing that. He lives 1 mile from me and it's just too easy to do. I already knew he was at home, it just gives me a little peace to see his car sitting in the driveway even if only for a minute. I did want to make sure OW wasn't there, but I was already sure...I just needed to see one more time. I know I'm pathetic doing that. I really do. It's just that it's all the reassurance that I ever get, so it's hard to give up. It's especially hard since just a few days ago he said he wanted our marriage to work....and then he changed his mind and I don't know why. Then, add the fact that the OW came into his house while we were there together. I wish I could erase that memory, but it's burned into my brain for the rest of my life. It was just such a cruel thing for her to do. I mean seriously, she saw my car there why not just keep on driving and come back an hour later. It's really all I can think about and it plays over and over again in my head. Such a cruel thing for her to do..... I can think of no reason for her to do that other than to hurt ME.

You're right, I did get dressed and made myself (and my friend) go out. I knew from my experience over the last 3 months that if I sat here in my apartment I was just going to focus on the pain and loneliness and it was just going to feel so much worse. I just wish H could have the opportunity to feel this way for just a week! And, of course, I wouldn't mind if the OW could feel this pain for the next YEAR.

I am usually much more of an upbeat person than this, I just can't seem to shake this cloud of doom that enveloped me when he threw me away again on New Year's Day. Hoping to come out of it soon because it's a miserable place to be. Thanks for your kind words Rain. I do hope that you have a wonderful and pain free day today.

[- MB -]

Anyone on here have experience with WAS wanting to reconcile, then pulling the rug out again a couple of weeks later? I would LOVE to hear from you! I feel like it was the 180 that got him interested again, but then I lost him when I was too eager to be back with him. Stupid on my part! I so wish I could go back and do that part over again. My question is, since the 180 worked the first time, do you think it will work again? Should I do anything differently? It took 5 weeks the first time, any thoughts on if you think it will take longer the second time? Or, did he do an about face because he honestly realized that I'm not what he wants? I know you're not a mind reader, neither am I. I'm just asking for an educated guess from someone that has experience with it. And, if he does become interested again and wants to talk R, WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN? I would be so afraid to try that one again on my own!

[Rain75]

Oh yeah MB we would paint the town red for sure!:)

Do you know after the 1st BD i would call and text and email him constantly? I was a sad pitiful sight. No doubt about it. Oh the whining and crying and pleading. Clearly I didn't have DR in my life yet lol

This time I do though. And I have messed up soooooo many times BUT the reason I have him blocked from calling and that I am able to not contact him and only reply to his is because in the book she asks us if what we are doing is going to get us closer to what we want. And the answer to that for me is, no.

Unblocking him right now and him NOT calling will hurt me. Me calling him or texting him first and never hearing anything i want to hear will hurt me. And if I purposefully add more hurt then how is that getting me closer to my goal? If anything it's a safer bet I will lash out at him and attack him verbally or worse guilt him.

Which i admit I have done many times but at the end do I want him back out of guilt? No!

Driving by his house must stop. Why? If you see his car you feel better if you see hers you are crushed and take 10 steps back. And let me tell you. Had mine driven by my house the other day he would have seen my car...yet I was out. True it was for a walk lol but do you see it is a fleeting sense of peace that may not even be reality?

As for others that have been in your exact situation. I think Pink has. She's told me she thought they were reconciling more than once only to have the rug swept out from under her. She's great too. If you ask her about others in similar sitchs and she knows she will definitely point you to them.

I am currently reading up on t0324. I started with the good part. Where they worked it out. Where her once cold distant husband that walked away and had an A now is in love with his wife again. Planning trips, being affectionate.

Then I relaized. I didn't know how they got there. I know I need to grow. Be better. Admit my own failings and work on them. Regardless if we R or not. And thats saying a lot considering it hasn't even been a month for me since last BD. So I started at her first ever thread. It is heartbreaking. It is me.

But we are here to learn. So why do we run from it? She stumbled and fell and made mistakes but somewhere she changed her approach and it worked. She and I are scarily similar. It worked for her. Perhaps it will work for me. Perhaps not. But I don't want to have been put through this pain and hurt and NOT learn from it. I do want to be a better person, mother, sister, friend and partner.

I want the same for you MB. Do you realize even when they miss us it does not stop them from doing other things? They have A and work and hanging out. They do not seem to let however they feel about us affect them as much as we do.

I am usually a confidant, funny (sarcastic funny mostly lol) spontaneous girl. Not this sad sack always moping around. I have to get that back. We both do.

[- MB -]

Yes, after the first BD where he told me he "needs space" to work on himself, I continued to call him and go over there every single day. It only lasted for a couple of weeks, then he stopped answering my calls, would roll his eyes at me when I walked in his house, started hiding his car from me so I wouldn't know he was home, etc. It absolutely destroyed me. I say I'm back at square 1, but that's not actually true. I am close, but not quite as bad as I was then. Of course, it's only been 1 day since I've seen him....just give me time! LOL. I do feel the numbness, emptiness, loneliness, etc inside and I am tired of always feeling that way. He's the one destroying everything, HE should get the privilege of feeling this way.

I do understand what you're saying when you said that they don't stop their lives just because they miss us. And, that's true, he's NEVER home! That's why he thought that I had moved on last time. He would drive by and my car was never here. Made him wonder. I will not sit here this time either, it's just going to take me a few days to shift gears again and grieve once again the second chance that I THOUGHT I was being given that was so quickly taken from me again. I may not feel strong enough to go on right now, but I will fake it till I make it! Just probably not today. Today I just plan to do my best at continuing my 180 and not call him. Perhaps tomorrow I can start my journey again. Thanks again for your words of encouragement, they are so helpful to me right now. I am really NOT this weak, I just feel like I've been knocked to the ground and had the wind knocked out of me....having some trouble getting back up.