I am not even attempting a title for this thread. Things are bad. Hoping that its one of those setbacks that is necessary before moving forward. H is communicating! But the stuff that is coming out of his mouth is alarming and makes me feel like I am in the Twilight Zone.
But he is communicating. Time will tell. He did say "there is some love there" and he said if there wasn't he wouldn't be here. So that is good! But then he said some other stuff.......
The only other thing I'd like to add, and could never say to him, is if I did this to him he'd last one day. There is NO way he could tolerate if I had an EA, if I dragged my family into it, if I spewed at him. There is no way. That is not helpful to say, but I just wanted my DB friends to know that. I don't know why. I just need someone to know that.
Hang in there pho, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know what to say about his revisionist history. If you speak up it's a fight and if you accept it, it causes bitterness and resentment. Damned if you do damned if you don't.
Sorry things are rough right now pho, today is just one day in a string of them that this journey is going to call for. Today may be the worst one yet, but tomorrow's a brand new one.
H is communicating, that's huge! What's coming out of his mouth may make you sick to your stomach, but it may have to all come out before you get to hear what you want. I'll say the fact that he is communicating at all is still good.
One day pho, one day at a time.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thank you Pigpen. And its actually not the worst day yet. Not by far! At least what he is saying is "spew" in content, but he is saying it in a calm and concerned way, not raging, more like "This is something that has been bothering me that I want you to be aware of." And then.....OMG the content is awful. But delivery is better. He did get a little overly intense and kind of scared me at one point, was in my face practically spitting, but he walked out and cooled down. He is learning to control his anger, and now he is learning to speak. I can set us both back so much by reacting emotionally.
I hope you are right pigpen. I know we all on here think our situation is unique, our spouse's are really not the people they are acting like, they really are loving and awesome and just messed up, I know we all think that, but I do believe that. Kind of like everyone who is in jail claims they are innocent. That's me. "not my H, yes he cheated but he didn't mean to, yes he spewed for months, but he didn't mean it, yes he said he hates me, but he didn't mean it."
You know what the worst part is? That I knew this all along. I knew H was incapable of handling emotions, I knew from early on in our relationship that he was incapable of taking ownership for his own emotions. But I was 20 and stupid. I wasn't thinking marriage, I wasn't thinking long term, and I guess if I did I thought he'd outgrow it or we'd work it out? Love would conquer all? I knew it, and I didn't think about the long term implications of it, what would happen when life got hard. I didn't think about it.
But, and here is the big thing......In the last 9-10 months I have been just clinging to hope and wanting nothing more than to stay married. I still am clinging to hope and wanting to stay married. But more than just staying married I want this resolved.
I can see another ending to this now, that involves breaking up. And I am not happy with that alternative, but I can see it, and I can accept it. So that is huge progress for me.
Pho, I am proud of you. Accepting that it MAY all come to an end is huge. I truly hope that it doesn't come to that. For you, for me, or for anyone standing for their marriage.
Keep your chin up. You will be fine.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I love your posts and you cheers me up when I am sad
I am still grinning with the thoughts of my W trying to sell the house with me dancing in my wife's knickers or my boxer shorts !!!
Pho I hear you when you say about your children but we can only give them our unconditional love
It does get easier today 3 months ago I would have been totally stressing my W is at a wedding without me and I would have been in tears thinking on what she is doing or not doing
I would love for her to want me again but I know this is not what she wants at least not righ now it might change but I cannot hold my breath
In the past I can see that I have np been controlling and I want someone to love me unconditionally
She is her own woman and she can make her own choices
I know when I get upset it is because I have thought about my sitch
Pho you are what matters your DB friends love you to bits you are like a sister
It is all about choices ...my W today has decided to go to a wedding she still is not home it's nearly 1am my 11 year old has been kept out and awake her choice ...personally I think she is being very selfish and it is things like this that make me think why am I fighting so much to save my marriage
She has probably still give me less thought today than k I have given to her
Times are changing ghost is getting stronger
Love you pho
Ghost x
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Mutatio, where are you? If I can ask, don't want to break forum rules. I am unable to sleep tonight. So tired but now I am having chest pains. H is in the garage talking to his friend.
I really miss being married.
Ghost, I am glad I made you laugh. You are a good man. You don't deserve any of this.
I don't have a lot to say tonight. I am tired. I need to sleep but can't. I want to get through this and be on the other side already.
I am so, so sorry for the tough time you are having being the target of your H's behaviour and feelings. I have had to stop reading your such generally as much of your H's behaviour reminds me of mine when I was in the crisis of my mental health breakdown. There are a lot of triggers for me in reading your thread. I am however cheerleading you and your family and sometimes I pop in hoping to read some positive progress.
I think you hit the nail on the head recognising that H is actually communicating. Yip it feels horrible to be scapegoated and blamed ( Brene Brown's definition of blame is " a way to discharge pain and discomfort". Unfortunately H is using you as means to discharge his pain and discomfort. I wonder if for a man who has likely spent most if not all of his life numbing emotions one way or another for one reason or another. His mental health crisis has resulted in him feeling his feelings, his grief his loss, his fear for the first time. Sadly and painfully you are on the end of this. But is his actually feeling something not a good thing?
I have significant shame for treating Mr Ex, I man a loved with all my heart in this way. When I was in it. I had no idea. My Mr Ex was the person I trusted most in the world, loved most in the world. And he was the one I abused most in the world, with my blame and projecting. And I am so sorry I didn't see the impact it was having on him, on his sense of self, his sense of being a partner, a lover, a man. I wore him down. I gradually over time whittled away his love for me.
I am so very sorry for you being the person that is the cost of his emotional recovery. I am sorry that my Mr Ex was the cost of mine.
Sorry to hijack with my stuff. I just wanted to encourage you to find your safe place with your children. If that means walking away then do. I know that for me Mr Ex ending our relationship was the kick in the butt I needed to finally address some issues that I had not been brave enough to face. But also no one life should be sacrificed for another. You are both equally entitled to happiness and a glorious future.
Please drape yourself in an amour of self love when you speak with him. Please buffer yourself with the knowledge that while his words are hurtful and unkind and inconsiderate of your fragile heart and needs, he needs this journey. I do hope he realises soon, and I hope his counsellor is giving him guidance to take responsibility for his feelings and his actions. Because this is the lesson that H needs. He is solely responsible for his own happiness and unhappiness. It was never yours.
And Pho there is something in those words for you. Your H is not responsible for your unhappiness or happiness. Stand in your light and know that today you hold that in your hands.
My heart does ache for your sitch Pho . It really does.
