thanks randy, I needed that encouragement. I agree with you. And if he was as done with me and the M as he wanted to be and had himself convinced he was he would have been outta here 16 months ago. But hearing him say that the M is not a priority was very hurtful and I'm backing off. Lisa
His words and his actions often conflict...honey, I'd go with the actions! Words are cheap.
What if he was "just having a moment?", or like Ellie said, was just kinda tired of verbalizing this R stuff just then?
I guess I'm wondering if you're not reading more into this than he actually intended? Is there a way to ask him for clarification?
Perhaps as you suggested, letting him know that if he really means that (and what DOES it mean exactly) then you are prepared to pull back and devote your energies elsewhere...is that something he would want? I'm betting NOT!
Another way to go is to just pull back, see if he notices, but why not be up front? Well you know your H better than any of us here, so I'm sure you'll choose the best way to get past this rough patch....
Shiny, it's like he's fighting his feelings still after all this time. I agree that actions speak louder than words but it was pretty hurtful to hear him say what he said the other day. The fact is that I haven't been his priority for a long time and i used to be. He's an easy going guy who goes with the flow to keep the peace. He didn't go ahead with the big D because it was easier to just stay M. I accepted it and looked at it as a chance to DB big time and for him to unknowingly DB himself. And it worked- I thought. Lisa
You say things work working in your view...if he hadn't said this and his behaviours continued to be the same...how would you be feeling? Probably pretty optimistic?
I keep wondering if you should just ask him to clarify what that statement meant. This is like working with blinders on.
OR again another option is to act AS IF all is well (and other than that statement it was), and see if there's any MEANING or INTENT behind his statement.
Hey, I guess the rollercoaster never ends. I took you up on your suggestion to get the praying wife book. How many times did you pray through that book before you got results. I agree with the actions speak louder than words. Not sure if I have any good advice as my husband's actions are all saying 'get me outta here'. However, he says he wants a D but sent sep papers. not sure what the reason for that is. So maybe actions do speak? Try some small 180's, at least your H is around for you to experiment on?
GP, hmm, not sure how long it took, I just know that I prayed 3 times a day from that book and it worked. God hates divorce, so it will work for you. I think that too many people just throw in the towel. Too, I knew that my H wasn't 'as done' as he thought he was. he wanted to be. I guess after 21 years of knowing someone, you know them...? Good luck, Lisa
I'll keep praying for all of us. my H seems pretty much headed down the D path. Looking at some of these stories gives me hope. Hope one day to be in piecing.
Right now just trying to detach.
Good luck to you too and thanks again for recommending the book.
Lisa my sitch is I have detached and I am not focusing on the M, H had the affair last year and wants to stay together, said he'll change do anything for me, etc.....
I have detached from him starting a couple of years ago when things caught up with me and his A now has caused too much pain to bear and I am just here right now because of my children. H won't leave house.
Can't offer any advice but I just want to say I am in your H position but it sounds like he is trying and I'm not so you are ahead of the game.
Also my H was laid off in April and took a job 2 months ago and he will be on the 3 to 11:30pm shift in another month, I work days and m-f and Sun 8-1 and Fridays 6-9 so I will be glad not to see him. But it is ironic that your H and my H are on the same shift and it is because of lay offs.
But still count your blessing because H is where he wants to be and so are you. As for me H is where he wants to be and I don't want him here, I think I need to feel him out of my life to know if he is worth having him in my life, (we have 5 children 12 to 18 yrs old.) How do you deal with H having A? I can't!
Hi Lisa, This is the DB BB board, so I really think the best way to use it is as it was designed.
The first and foremost rule: do what works, change what doesn't. As you said, you know your H very well. The last time you had issues, you knew he wasn't "as done as he thought he was". You also, stood your ground if I recall and let him go, in effect saying that it wasn't your problem if he had no where to go, so setting some boundaries as well as defining yourself.
So, this time, as history does seem to repeat itself, what's he saying. Is he really not focusing on the M? Maybe he needs a break, so he can go into his head on his own. He has to change too, but you can't control that. Sorry, I know you've heard this stuff again and again.
So, back to basic DBing. First, don't take it personally, be yourself. Be true to yourself. Make yourself happy for a change. Sometimes I find that things roll off my back when I'm in a good mood, and things affect me when I'm vulnerable, not feeling safe.
Lisa, you've helped so many of us just by sharing your story. It helps again to know that an M is work, plain and simple. I had a great line this morning "we're all impossible to live with". I hope you define that as it's intended. That we're all trying so hard, and sometimes we slip, we need a rest, we need to regroup, whatever.
Lisa, you're fine, really. Find something that pulls you back up when something gets you from the side. Then, when things change, because they always do, and your H is sitting on the couch and open to your view, or you've just been intimate and he declares something that you want to hear, then you can say something like "you know I really love you... and I want to tell you at times like these, but when I feel you pulling away, I get anxious". My point is, only he can answer you, but, wait for the appropriate time, and don't get back at him when you're feeling resentful. Don't fall into his trap. Do your job and stay out of his muck, remembering that we're only human.
