Hey EMMess, definitely agree dealing with all these emotions at once is rough.
I think for those of us that put the work in on investing in ourselves, we will grow and mature in ways we never imagined. It is from being at our lowest point that we begin the climb and there is no ceiling so it is up to us how high we wish to climb.
Originally Posted By: EMMess
In one of my previous posts, I wrote that we need to be open to everything this new stage in our lives brings, even the possibility of meeting someone new. I still hold out hope, and know that the current relationship with my will get better with time, in what direction it goes, that I am not sure of.
This is very true. Given the current reality of our situation, I feel being open to possibilities provides for a fulfilling life.
Originally Posted By: EMMess
Today, continuing to work on forgiveness, letting go, surrendering, and letting God.
Yes this is very challenging. The key I am working on right now is forgiveness. Before, I thought that I needed to forgive my wife for her A and what she has done. I thought forgiveness was for her and that it would be a single point in time that "I Forgive" then it's done. After some reflection, I realize forgiveness is also a journey. And it's more for myself. I'm not there yet, but each day gets better in line with detachment from the situation.
Originally Posted By: EMMess
Hoping to get to a point in which my wife occupies less headspace than she does currently. Working on my obsession with what she is doing and reminding myself that this is about ourselves, healing ourselves.
This is very difficult for me as well. The constant thinking of her and what she is doing, where she and OM are with S2 at any given time she has him, and the lives forever changed, etc. I realize I have detached largely from the situation itself, but not from her. We will ebb and flow and in time as our own lives unfold into the new chapter and we continue to heal, I believe our thoughts of our wives (as we remember them) will fade. You are right in that we can shine the spotlight on ourselves and focus on us. It starts with one day at a time.
Originally Posted By: EMMess
The following quote is one of my favorites, and I plan on purchasing it in a wooden sign to constantly remind me of its message:
Quote of the day:
“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don’t. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”
- Harvey MacKay
For those interested in somethings to stay positive:
I get we will have our ups and downs and we will experience raw emotion that we should feel and accept (but not act negatively upon). But this quote.. this positive view.. this is what we are striving towards. Happy with ourselves as we are, allowing people that treat us with respect around us, and choosing to not allow people that disrespect us not be in our lives. Thankfully people can change and grow with effort (we are examples of this), so if our wives decide to meet us here at some point and put in the work, we can decide together on where to go.
Take care and it looks as though you are on a great path.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
Hi Enigma, your take on my post are great, thank you so much for your insight and sharing so much of your experiences and thoughts. Our constant thinking of our ex's and their new lives. We love these women so much and they are moving on, trying to build new relationships, leaving us behind as if we had or who we were is nothing to them, or maybe it is because it has become nothing to them.
I am largely trying to focus on myself, but can't help at times just wake up at 3am and begin thinking about her and OM, about her turning her back on me. When she wasn't happy with her career, it was great for her to be in our relationship, as soon as she began doing great and being recognize, she began questioning our M. Funny how that works. Its hurtful to me because I have been the same person supporting her from the beginning, regardless of whether she was happy or not.
A few take aways from our conversations that I've come to understand:
She states that she felt like she couldn't share her success with me because I wouldn't be genuinely happy with her, as if we were in competition. I can see that, and this is my fault. Due to her taking on her position, and all the travel required, I defaulted to staying with the kids at home, and not focusing or committing to my own career as she did hers; so when she continued to become more and more successful, I began questioning what happened to mine, I probably played on excuses such as "Well, somebody has to stay with the kids" "I don't want some random person to stay with them" "What would happen if we both focused on our careers, what would happen to our family, to the kids". I realize now that those are weak excuses, I had and have a responsibility to fulfill my needs and desires, I can't blame her or use my family as an excuse.
The constant arguing in front of friends and in public. We are both guilty of this, and it was due to the resentment that has built up during the years. We would be hanging with friends, having a great time, but she would always be cautious, she says that when I drink I don't behave well, as in I don't respect or treat her right, she would begin to mother me when I drink, and start arguments. I can't see why she would be cautious but I would just say, I am having a great time with my friends, everyone is enjoying themselves except for her, and she wants to tell me how to drink. I could have been more respectful of her feelings, and slowed it down. Our friends would say, that they only saw that I was having a good time, and that she started to fight with me over drinking, but I do recognize that I should have been more mature in my consumption knowing she didn't like it.
The constant infidelities, these are deep rooted issues. I have been working with my IC on this, finding these root causes. I am beginning to understand my constant need for external validation and approval from other women. My culture plays a big role, being told by everyone of my male role models, brothers, cousins, friends, that a man is expected to have many women and not be tied down. I was very closed off to my wife due to these types of relationships (emotional, physical, friends) with other women, so we never connected as we should have. I made her feel unloved, and not valuable. I worked on this while we were married, and actually corrected my need (but it was too late by then).
I have been working on all of the above very hard, and exploring myself and discovering who I truly am. I would love to have the opportunity to be in a loving, caring, trust-worthy, exciting relationship with my wife, and holdout faith that if its mean to be, our heavenly Father will see to it. I have to trust that everything happens for a reason, and that I am taking the correct steps by looking within and addressing my many flaws.
Needed to get his out. God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
My wife just told me that she has assisted OM to possibly obtain a job in our company and if he gets it he might be moving to our state. I am very livid right now, the lack of respect and care by her. I have helped her so much and despite all of this, she has no qualm doing this.
Sorry, needed to let this out. I haven't had much time to process it, and I am short on words right now. Just feeling so betrayed and so disrespected.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I am largely trying to focus on myself, but can't help at times just wake up at 3am and begin thinking about her and OM, about her turning her back on me. When she wasn't happy with her career, it was great for her to be in our relationship, as soon as she began doing great and being recognize, she began questioning our M. Funny how that works. Its hurtful to me because I have been the same person supporting her from the beginning, regardless of whether she was happy or not.
A few take aways from our conversations that I've come to understand:
She states that she felt like she couldn't share her success with me because I wouldn't be genuinely happy with her, as if we were in competition. I can see that, and this is my fault. Due to her taking on her position, and all the travel required, I defaulted to staying with the kids at home, and not focusing or committing to my own career as she did hers; so when she continued to become more and more successful, I began questioning what happened to mine, I probably played on excuses such as "Well, somebody has to stay with the kids" "I don't want some random person to stay with them" "What would happen if we both focused on our careers, what would happen to our family, to the kids". I realize now that those are weak excuses, I had and have a responsibility to fulfill my needs and desires, I can't blame her or use my family as an excuse.
The constant arguing in front of friends and in public. We are both guilty of this, and it was due to the resentment that has built up during the years. We would be hanging with friends, having a great time, but she would always be cautious, she says that when I drink I don't behave well, as in I don't respect or treat her right, she would begin to mother me when I drink, and start arguments. I can't see why she would be cautious but I would just say, I am having a great time with my friends, everyone is enjoying themselves except for her, and she wants to tell me how to drink. I could have been more respectful of her feelings, and slowed it down. Our friends would say, that they only saw that I was having a good time, and that she started to fight with me over drinking, but I do recognize that I should have been more mature in my consumption knowing she didn't like it.
The constant infidelities, these are deep rooted issues. I have been working with my IC on this, finding these root causes. I am beginning to understand my constant need for external validation and approval from other women. My culture plays a big role, being told by everyone of my male role models, brothers, cousins, friends, that a man is expected to have many women and not be tied down. I was very closed off to my wife due to these types of relationships (emotional, physical, friends) with other women, so we never connected as we should have. I made her feel unloved, and not valuable. I worked on this while we were married, and actually corrected my need (but it was too late by then).
I have been working on all of the above very hard, and exploring myself and discovering who I truly am. I would love to have the opportunity to be in a loving, caring, trust-worthy, exciting relationship with my wife, and holdout faith that if its mean to be, our heavenly Father will see to it. I have to trust that everything happens for a reason, and that I am taking the correct steps by looking within and addressing my many flaws.
Needed to get his out. God Bless.
EMMess,
How do you feel getting this off your chest? I can certainly relate of thinking about WW and OM at odd times. That's natural. What emotion are you feeling inside when these thoughts arise?
Take aways from conversations can be good, but also can be challenging from wayward wives. Do you find similarities of issues and complaints brought up now vs pre BD date? If so I would start with those improvements of yourself so long as it is for you as a man, and not as a husband.
From reading on you are already working on what you want to improve. While you say you are too late towards the marriage, you are never too late for yourself as a man. As you work on you for you, those changes will stick. And who knows maybe wife will see at some stage. We will get the chance of being in a loving and caring relationship again as we are renewed into the person we want to be and working hard for.
I am with you on this journey and will continue to share. Continue the path as outlined by God and we will be fine in the end. It's going through this middle that is the challenge.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
My wife just told me that she has assisted OM to possibly obtain a job in our company and if he gets it he might be moving to our state. I am very livid right now, the lack of respect and care by her. I have helped her so much and despite all of this, she has no qualm doing this.
Sorry, needed to let this out. I haven't had much time to process it, and I am short on words right now. Just feeling so betrayed and so disrespected.
So sorry to hear this. Process the emotion for what it is. You cannot control this unfortunately and only focus on you. Easy to say and hard to do I know.
Peace my friend.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
For the past few days I've been somewhat numb to my emotions. The last bit of news by my wife was very hurtful, selfish, and in some ways malicious. My wife states that is karma for all the things I've done to her, I don't agree with that, as she has been the one orchestrating the whole thing and has ensure the direction of it. Not to mention, that these are her actions. I am now processing my emotions.
During the last few months, I have helped (being a hero) my wife, with some financials, she has taken advantage of my generosity as well. I began tallying how much financial assistance I have provided her with, and will eventually with her the sum, as she says she wants to know how much she "owes" me. I am also thinking about the marital home (she resides there). She wants to stay in the Condo till our oldest is 11, about 5 years. I told her I can't agree to that. I am now finding myself concerned, about her bringing OM if he does come out to live and work (at our company) here, will she be having him over or inviting him, the possibility of bumping into him at work, and the gym, etc. I don't feel ok with that. Her and I both worked very hard for our home, we renovated it together, this was our home; but I know she is capable, and she has said that maybe she'll have him visiting for the day (smh). I need to speak to an L, and begin taking actions, I expressed to her that we need to get a legal separation done and go see a mediator, she agrees but never makes moves. Friends tell me I should go to the family courts and place myself on Child Support and visitation, I have avoided this, as I am hoping we can resolve all of this in mediation.
I haven't taken any steps yet, giving myself some time to truly think through all of this and process my emotions. I am really hurt by her recent actions, especially since I have been working on being more friendly and respectful of her decision. It seems she is bent on making me pay for my past transgression, while I am working on forgiving both her and I for our checkered past.
God Bless.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
I would talk to a lawyer and see what are your options. Be careful what you say to her afterwards. If you draw a line in the sand and she crosses it you have to follow through. If you don't she will not take you seriously after that. Talking with a lawyer is a good first step. Be strong EM, be well
thank you M, I am definitely going to begin looking into it. I agree in the fact that I need to be careful with what I say to her. I do need to dig my heels and be ready to follow through with my decisions. I have been driven mostly be fear. Fear of her leaving me (she has already done that), or rocking the boat (sad, but I find it we all do it), pride (fear of being thought a failure due to my divorce), I am not afraid of being alone, I don't think that I will be, I think highly of myself in that regards, weird because I find myself comparing myself with OM, which in itself is sad, being that we are not the same and no one is better or less than another person.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Last night, I had a few heated discussions about next steps with some of my close friends. The whole idea of OM coming to live in our state, work in our company, and possibly spending time in our home is really affecting me. I saw that one of my options was to move back into the home, but my friends feel that that is coming from a place of weakness due to the fact that I waited till OM came into the picture. I disagree because I plainly made it clear from the beginning of our separation that this isn't something I would accept. They state that the best approach is to begin doing what I need to do legally and force the sale of the home instead.
All of the discussions last night made me feel bad, and made me realize that I need to begin stopping all the talking about my situation. I am empowering it by speaking so much about it, it keeps me stuck on the past and that's not where I need to be. Had my session with IC yesterday, and he tells me that I may end up with the little ones, the funny thing is that others have said the same.
I am feeling a bit anxious this morning, I hate resetting and getting back to 1 emotionally. One day at a time.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
