Just a question to the vets. Can I say to her that I get to decide when its over or do I just keep to myself? If to myself I really need to have someone to talk to.
No, you don't need to say it to her. Most women that have any spunk at all, would see that remark as a challenge, and she'd be bent on just showing you who decides when it's over. If you need to talk to someone....then talk to us.
To me, telling yourself you get to decide when it's over, means when it's over for you. If she's a WAW or WW, then for her the M is already over. She doesn't get to decide for you, just like you don't get to decide for her.
Please give us some information about your W, the MR, some history......just anything.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I just can't seem to get details everything is just foggy if that makes sense. Our marriage was good or so I thought up until 3 years ago. Since then I had opportunities but just didn't do anything or the right things. From what I see she is WAW no affairs for either of us and she does not go out even now.
I just think the stress of kids, finances and neglect took their toll on her. Like I said earlier after the first BD almost 3 yrs ago she still came back and said she really did love me I just didn't find the help I needed. History Married mid 20's first kid a few years later a second right after then 7 yrs and the lat 8yrs after that. She was upset when she got pregnant that last time and even mentioned not going thru with it. Maybe that is where it all started.
She has questioned the marriage in the last 6 months saying it was just the next thing to do and that we were too young. I don't know I just saw this as a rough patch and once the kids were thru college things would get better. I guess I just looked ahead and ignored what I didn't want to see because that would be failure on my part.
Even with my screw ups yesterday and not communicating with her she still doesn't ask me to leave or tell me she wants a divorce. I just don't see how she accepts this as it is and we live together as we are married but if you look under the cover nothing is moving. I realize she is not with the marriage anymore but I don't know if its too late to build something new. Don't know where to start or even how to start.
I read so many stories on here and see all the pain and turmoil we are all going thru and can’t stop but wonder (wish) that maybe my situation has some hope. I have been in the current state of this situation for a year now and I feel fortunate in comparison to others (maybe false hope I don’t know). I still live with my wife we get along well sleep in the same bed no talk of divorce or selling the house or anything like that. The issue is she does not want a relationship or at least the one we had. Maybe she is willing to sacrifice these years of her life for the sake of the children and when they are older then it will be the physical separation and all will be over.
Maybe she is DBing me, sometimes I wonder how it all seems so earily similar to what I read. I had all or a lot of the traits of a WAS but it seems the table turned and she became one. I was out getting a life for the 5-10 years leading up to the BD. Spending hours every sat & sun and at least 2-3 other days of the week pursuing my stuff while she was at home with the kids and working. I just think I was so stupid when I look back on how I could have easily taken a different path and had everything now.
I am easily irritated I go quite if I don’t get my way I don’t finish what I’ve started I didn’t spend enough time with my kids I didn’t spend enough time with my wife
I want to find a way back but am worried this will just be another thing I don’t finish. Right now I need to do something about the anxiety as it is affecting me in ways that if it I don’t get it under control soon there will be no path back.
Last edited by Merckx; 10/06/1506:08 PM. Reason: edited
I just saw this as a rough patch and once the kids were thru college things would get better. I guess I just looked ahead and ignored what I didn't want to see because that would be failure on my part.
So you were going to sit and do nothing for 18, or so, years? I sure hope you've changed your mind at that ^^^ working out for ya.
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I still live with my wife we get along well sleep in the same bed no talk of divorce or selling the house or anything like that.
Is she intimate with you? Does she kiss you on the mouth? I mean, really kiss you?
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The issue is she does not want a relationship or at least the one we had. Maybe she is willing to sacrifice these years of her life for the sake of the children and when they are older then it will be the physical separation and all will be over.
Maybe you need to know what she's willing to do. If she wanted a better R with you, don't you believe she attitude and actions would let you know? Don't you believe she would have told you she wanted a better R, when she dropped the bomb?
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I am easily irritated I go quite if I don’t get my way I don’t finish what I’ve started I didn’t spend enough time with my kids I didn’t spend enough time with my wife
What actions have you done to change those things you listed?
How old are your kids now?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, It wasn't 18 years we talking about only 2 years. Something was off and I just thought once the finical stress of college was gone it would get better.
There is no intimacy anymore. Over a year.
Relationship friend zone at best. She said she still likes doing things with me. But she says she knows I want a passionate relationship and she is not passionately in love with me. When she DB she said she didn't know what she wanted and even said that she didn't say she never wanted to try again. But that was all in the first 2 months. She said she needed space and I never gave her enough and I think she just shut down.
I am easily irritated I go quite if I don’t get my way I don’t finish what I’ve started I didn’t spend enough time with my kids I didn’t spend enough time with my wife
That is why I am spiraling now. I thought I was making progress towards these but I look back now and it is not much. The only one I think I have made real progress on is spending more time with the kids specifically the youngest.
Well she is in the house. But the time spent is usually without here in the room. Mostly reading, playing games with him. I will take him to the park and it will just be the two of us. The older ones have their lives and would rather be out with their friends than dad. I can understand that and will still try to get them to go to the movies or such.
If I cant talk to friends or family about this who can I talk to? The loneliness is killing me. A huge part of me has doed and I just dont know how to restart.
