Sorting out the Parts

[dejavu2]

Link to my original thread – Anxiously awaiting for it to fall Apart

[dejavu2]

It is so hard dealing with someone who is driven by a need for chaos! Nothing is linear, nothing gets resolved!

The exciting news is we got an offer on the house! Even to communicate about the offer seems to take maximum effort. However we did agree that if the buyers meet us in the middle, we are willing to sell and the buyers want to be in before Christmas! With this comes many BIG unanswered questions which need to be addressed. We haven’t really started the divorce process other than submitting paperwork, so agreements to reached involving children and finances in addition to sorting physical possessions, separating bank accounts which will require his time and attention - ARGH!!

I sent him an email asking how he would like to proceed on these issues, after several days of avoiding the topic, he finally suggested that we talk about in person when he comes back to see the children at the in October. I feel like this is another one of his avoid/delay tactics, but I agreed for now.

Then yesterday I phoned him regarding some spending - as he has taken a large amounts of cash from our account. I only asked for an explanation as I have always accounted for all the spending and suggested that he may be getting on with his life which he denied. I would understand if he is spending the money finding some happiness and enjoying life, but this denial and secrecy is doing my head in. Why not admit to having fun in life?

He arranged to buy a new car this week which was slightly complicated so without question or judgement, I sorted the finances and worked with bank then communicated what accounts he was to use to complete the transaction. He wanted me to communicate quickly, openly and clearly with him, however when he sorted out the selling his car. He failed to tell me when the company was going to collect the car or what paperwork they needed. A quick email with the facts of what I needed to do would have been polite.

His lack of communication seems to make mountains our of mole hills. Over past 3 mos he has run up $10,000+ in reimbursements on our credit cards and I have had to follow up several times with him about the status of his reimbursements (emailing him monthly statements and then yesterday finally having a conversation with him about it – he reluctantly gave me an update – submitted/waiting on approval). He became very frustrated that I am asking him about details in his life such as when we should expect reimbursements.

His formula for dealing with his frustration or anything which questions him seems to be avoid/delay conversation, if that doesn’t work then he pulls out the “divorce” card. The only time he talks about the divorce is when he is frustrated. He doesn’t seem to want to address or more forward with it otherwise. I feel like I am caught up in his twisted world/game. He doesn’t want to make decisions which allow forward movement in life. He denies, omits and delays in attempt to consciously/subconsciously control the situation.

He seems to be “dragging his healing”.

Help!!!!

[job]

I'm sorry that he's lacking in the communication arena, but that's how many of them get when in crisis. He gives you just a wee bit of info and that's all he wants to share w/"mom".

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to get him to shape up and be more forthcoming.

[dejavu2]

Thanks Job!

For man who really wants a divorce, the lack of forward momentum is telling. I wish we could both sit down and rationally talk about our future whether married or divorced. Then put together the plans for achieving said goal. Whenever I try to put plans together he either stonewalls or delays.

Time and distance is showing me the flaws and shortcomings in our relationship. However, if I knew he was willing to commit and work on owning his part of this - I would want him to continue as my husband. I guess part of me is standing.

Yesterday, S11 asked what we were going to do for Christmas. I said we would have it under a tree (as not even sure where we will be living then). He asked if dad was coming home for Christmas. I said "I don't know". I guess I am not ready to face it and tell the kids that we are definitely getting a divorce and there will be no more "family" Christmas'.