No pursuing. This means: Do not ask for help with practical things (already doing this). Do own cooking and laundry (new). Do not initiate conversation. Do not ask for comfort, emotional support. Keep a friendly distance.
Treat with kindness. This means: Compliment on one or two things every day, with warmth. Make sure the children obey him and support him fully with discipline. Respect his boundaries - don't disturb when he wants to sleep, play computer games, be alone, etc and make sure children do the same.
Protect myself with good boundaries: I don't get into conversations where I'm being sworn at or verbally abused. I don't let people tell me what I think and feel. I don't use my money to support his hobbies. I don't do sexual things I don't want to do. I don't provide an audience for his sulking or tantrums.
Getting a Life: I walk every day. I see my friends once a week. I have good one on one time with my children in the house every day, and an activity with them (just the three of us) every weekend. I don't hesitate to invite my friends and family into my home if I want to see them. I make sure I have enough sleep and rest. I limit my alcohol intake to a fixed amount at weekends only. I don't work on Sundays or after 9pm.
SJ - It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. I do believe that there is some change coming, but it appears to be glacially slow. I appreciate the level of patience you are showing and can understand how difficult it must be.
Stay on your path as it reads like a shift is occurring. It will be up to him whether he joins you or not.
I was really blindsided when he said that - it was as if he WANTED me to start shouting and crying. All I can do is make sure he knows I am willing to listen and to speak about my own feelings, and stick to my guns about walking away when he starts being abusive.
I think there are changes - the initiation of sex, the asking me if I wanted a massage - those kinds of things. I think I am single handedly breaking the pattern of our dynamic an he has no idea what to do about it. It is almost as if we've changed roles a bit. When I was really ill, I used to be hugely loud and emotional - shouting, crying, manipulative. It was absolutely wrong and I should have sought medical treatment earlier and controlled my behaviour better. He did used to listen and try to appease me because he wanted peace, and I know now he resented doing that, felt like he lost control and autonomy, and doesn't want to do it any more. Wise, wise decisions on his part - he should never have been my punching bag and it's right he's drawn a line there.
But I suspect that he feels I owe him, somehow. That because I've behaved badly in the past, I should be willing to tolerate more from him. I am willing to keep trying and to be patient, but not to become his punch bag in turn. I think we're both having to learn to communicate like adults, and I might be a hair's breadth further along in the process than he is because of all the individual therapy and introspection I had to do to recover from my illness and understand the impact that it had on my marriage.
I guess all I can do it stick to my goals and hope that he's able to find the strength in himself to meet me face to face as an adult. I really want that but I can't and won't manipulate him into it, nor settle for anything less in an intimate relationship.
I feel calm and clear today, even though the future is less clear than it ever has been.
Thats really all you can do. Set out to become the person you want to be and work towards achieving it. Whether he wants to join you or not is in his court.
thank you! the more I think about it all, the more I think that a lot of this pattern of conflict and withdrawal between us two is about control - I controlled him because I wanted him to soak up and cure my pain, and now I think he's alternately trying to control me or withdraw from me because he wants me to do something or be something. I don't know what that is, but in the end, it doesn't matter. He can be an adult and have a close relationship with the best adult self I can be, or he can choose not to.
Keep on going he will either catch up or fall by the wayside.
Either way you will be strong and more complete.
Your independence, inner strength and conviction are very attractive and your H is drawn to them but if he's not emotionally strong enough to deal with them, he either needs to work on himself or take a hike, the choice is his and his alone.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Your independence, inner strength and conviction are very attractive and your H is drawn to them but if he's not emotionally strong enough to deal with them, he either needs to work on himself or take a hike, the choice is his and his alone.
I totally agree! I might refrain from telling him that though...
I think that a lot of this pattern of conflict and withdrawal between us two is about control
I think you could be on to something here.
I want to address something related to the sex encounter that you had. I think you did a good job of setting a boundary. I am sure it was really hard for you to do that considering how much you craved for his affection and for him to initiate things. I'm sorry it had to go that way.
I'm going to try and give you a different perspective.--and this could be totally wrong. So, him initiating the sex was not normal. You guys have been having a tough time of it obviously. Finally, he moves in the right direction. He does something that he thinks you are going to like--you don't, and tell him to stop. That is a shot to the ego. He tries again, hoping he has not misjudged, and you will like it the second time--shot down again. Third time--shot down again.
So, you did the right thing, set your boundary and told him why. You should not sit there and do thngs you are not comfortable with just to appease him. That is not a path you want to go down. He was certainly feeling defeated and put down at this point. He then became passive aggressive over the next few days.
What stinks about this is whole thing is that you were not shooting him down. You really were happy to be having sex. However, he was likely so sensitive that any slight rejection would hurt him. What is so hard about this is that he is not in a place to have these conversations with you if this is actually what happened. This is where professionals are able to help.
Of course, this scenario could have entirely different. I have made several assumptions. The fact is, he could have been a caveman and not given a damn about your body and only wanted to use it for his pleasure.--I doubt this though.
SJ, I am really proud of you. You are a deep thinker and do really care about you H. I wish there were an easy answer to all of this. I wish there were a way to make him snap out of it. I wish he could forget the past, stop the games, and participate in making a bright future for both.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Your independence, inner strength and conviction are very attractive and your H is drawn to them but if he's not emotionally strong enough to deal with them, he either needs to work on himself or take a hike, the choice is his and his alone.
I totally agree! I might refrain from telling him that though...
In this instance there is no might.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Oh I know - you're absolutely right. I was just making a joke!
WhyUs - thank you so much for your perspective. It really makes sense to me.
He's not a nasty cave man and he's never ever been selfish in that way. He wasn't doing anything outlandish or abusive, just something I wasn't ready to leap into given how long it had been. The fact that I did need more time was a surprise to me too and something that I didn't expect. I suspect it was lack of practice on both our parts. My heart hurts to think that he feels confused and rejected - even if he expresses it by acting like an utter arse.
I'm going to leave him a little note. I've written, 'It was nice to be close to you the other night. It's been a long time and even though I miss you, I still feel a bit nervous. Let's hope we get more in sync soon x'
I hope if he's feeling confused or blamed or manipulated that at least shows him some warmth and affection without playing games. I don't think that counts as pursuing. I think it probably counts as a 180. But he DID initiate with me, which is what I want, so I don't want it to be a totally unpleasant experience for him.
