Telling the OM's Wife

[sandi2]

I feel like the longer I've let this go without trying the W, the more the A grows. That's not good for either of us.

I really believe she can stop it - or she has more leverage than me. And she'd wanna know.

I just hope she will keep my name out of it for the info. I can't predict what she'll do.

I see a desperate man. I also a controlling man! You don't care about that OM's W. Please! If it was some other woman involved with her H, you wouldn't be so desperate to inform her. You are wanting the OM's W to do the work for you. You are wanting to control your GF's decisions.

Do you seriously think this action will cause your GF to run back into your arms? Please don't think for a moment the OM's W is not going to tell him how she knows about his A. Of course she will tell him!

[Wonka]

FL,

Did I misinterpret your original postings? Didn't your girlfriend break up with you and move out? Am I right to assume that there was no proposal? She not only fired you, but she's moved on and whether it's a married man or not, you have to accept the fact that she has completely moved on w/her life. Heck, I wouldn't even classify her as your girlfriend now, but a former one. There are no commitments here other than the fact that there may be some furniture or joint debts that need to be resolved.

If you truly want to try to win her back, then start GALing, focusing on yourself and becoming a happier man. Learn to enjoy life w/o her in it and if she happens to see you happy and positive, that very well may draw her attention back to you.

As the old saying goes, there are more fish in the sea and the right one will come along when the time is right. Let her go and figure herself out. You don't need this aggravation from someone who is no longer wanting to be a part of your life.

Here's what I think from where I am sitting right now.

You've got the bad case of "wanting something you can't have" and you are chasing VERY hard TO GET IT BACK. For what?

I think your ego was badly bruised in getting dumped by XGF for this other OM. I gather that this isn't the first time it's happened to you.

As Fogg said earlier, cut your losses and move on. Trust me, you'll find a special woman who will treat you with love, respect and honor. Your XGF does not have those attributes.

You are a young man and have a whole life ahead of you. Thank your XGF for this experience and work on your inward journey.

We all have dated people before we got married. It's a good thing that you are now seeing this huge red flag NOW before getting married or proposing to her. Wake up. Wake up.

[Vanilla]

You can't stop your WGF addiction. Not possible. Only your WGF can do that.

And if you read Sandis threads on WWs you will know an EA is much more addictive than a PA especially for women.

There is an element here of obsession with your WGF, Have you an IC you can discuss this with?

V

[FLman]

Thanks to everyone for their feedback. Mostly constructive though some harsh. To answer a question I am seeing an IC for support.

I am in a really tough spot. I'm a good person. I wasn't perfect, but I had a lot of stress and a parent whose health is rapidly declining. I thought we could make mistakes when times were tough and still love each other.

I never thought she'd have emotional affairs instead of communicate with me about how things were bothering with her.

I'm torn between thinking okay, I screwed up but I didn't deserve this vs. she left because I wasn't there for her as I should have been so it's my fault.

And yes, I miss her so much. I wanna believe she's better than this. I'm willing to forgive and go to counseling.

Finally, I do think the OM's W should know regardless. The only reason I've held back is because I know I have my own interests.

I have a sick parent in another part of the country and I just don't know how much more of this I can take. So yes, if it's a risk to tell the OM's W, yes I think it might be worth it. It will help the OM's W. It could hurt my interests but at least I'll be done either way. I could wait around for months and she could never come back.

[late30s]

Maybe a different way to look at it, FL.

It sounds like your gf was your world. Much as it hurts to hear it, in the A, he is her world now. Going through with this you are going to be trying to remove the most important part of her world from her life. Similar to what has happened to you. Since this has happened, have you felt a burning desire to go to the bar with OM and becomes good buddies with him? I'm guessing you haven't. I can't imagine anyone who would. Can you?

I would echo the other responses here. Work on yourself. Spend some time figuring who you are now, who you want to be, and what needs to change for you to get there.

Be careful with the other family unit. I don't think you want to feel even the slightest bit responsible for breaking it up. The kid(s) are completely innocent in all of this. Obviously the WH there has done the true damage, but at least let the wife come to terms with it on her own. In her own way.

[FLman]

Hey Late30s

I'm trying - this is crazy and rough.

I see from your stats that you're in a similar boat - is the OM married as well?

[late30s]

Nope. If it helps you, I saw it coming from a long way out. I wasn't blind to it all. One person did try to tell me about it, OMs ex, I ended up blocking her on FB so she couldn't try to drag me in any longer. The only thing it really did was cause me more pain and send me spinning further.

[FLman]

Was the Ex his GF at the time or at some point while your wife was involved?

What caused you pain - ignoring the OM's Ex or her telling you?

[cat04]

Finding out your spouse is having an affair is devastating.

Having someone else tell you is even more devastating.

You question everything. Who can you trust, why did they tell you, etc.

Leave it alone.

You say people are being harsh in their comments to you. And believe me, they are being kind. If you think words here are harsh can you possibly imagine how awful you will appear to the wife?

Let it go. Stop being vengeful. It wont work at all the way you think it will and not one person involved will be happy with you or think you did the right thing.

[Vanilla]

I agree with Cat.

This is not your job to help the OM W.

V