Telling the OM's Wife

[CaliGuy]

FL ... I agree with many here. Your dynamic is a bit different as there are no ties holding her to you, no M, no kids, maybe a cat that you have not mentioned I do not know.

Reading your post initially I just come away with the pain you feel, the betrayal, the hurt, all this is very much familiar, M or not .. being cheated on stinks. Thing is she is gone, with OM and thats HER choice. So exposing the A to OMW while it could be agrued its the right thing to do vs. not your circus not your monkeys it poses the question:
"What does this provide for you, what are your intentions?"

If your intent is to end the A, its not certain it will
If your intent is to end OM's M .. again ... not certain
If your intent is to cause harm ... well that will probably happen OM, GF, OMW and those kids
If your intent is to win GF back .. most likely not going to happen, infact I would guess she runs and blames you/hates you for ruining her 'shot at happiness'

So in order for us to help you .. What do you want?

Just know ... the A has no equal ... not M not a R ... the A is a drug and one she must tire of. Her head is full of the fantasy at the moment and she is on a rush .... nothing is going to change that except time.

[Vanilla]

FL i can understand you feel trapped.

I am concerned for you, the course of action if it doesn't work may worsen your sitch. There are elements of thought which are illogical. It seems that your gf has sacked you as her bf. She is with an OM who is M.

Has she cheated before and come back? With you or with another bf?

V

[FLman]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses.

To clarify some points for Vanilla and Caliguy:

She didn't have a PA while she was with me. She had an EA though she claims she already decided to end things when she did (Not saying I justify it, but it wasn't a PA).

I know now that the year before when we had problems it turns out she was having an EA but stopped before the PA.

We had problems the past couple years that were my fault. I was not supportive and was emotionally unavailable. I was dealing with legitimate problems, but I shouldn't have taken her for granted.

So I do feel guilty. I understand women have EAs when their emotional needs aren't being met (the case with us) and she did hold off on the PA and I do believe/know that.

My motivations?

I do think the wife should know.

And yes, I haven't heard from her in weeks while she was back home. I wanna stop this addiction and have a shot. I know it could backfire in the high chance the W tells them it was me, but what can I do? Sit by as he takes her on an exotic trip? Keep waiting?

It's a risk, but it's something. I almost wonder if I should have done it sooner to stop the addiction from growing.

[FLman]

And here's the thing - what if I don't do anything. He's gonna take her on this exotic trip and the A will keep growing.

I don't think the W will divorce. I do think she'd try to save their marriage. But I can't predict what will happen. It is a risk

[JulieH]

Azzork....Sorry if I offended. I'm in this mess because of my hyper criticism and for being highly opinionated. I am in no way spiritually mature I was cheated on in an earlier relationship and never forgot or forgave. The only good thing that came of that, is that no matter how bad things got I remembered that pain and I always remained loyal. Out of respect for my husband i also immediately shut down situations that could have led to pursuit. I expect similar respect from others and I am now hoping my husband is as faithful despite our issues.

The truth is I guess I could understand saving a relationship with infidelity if there are children involved (even then I don't think I could do it) or for practical/financial/legal reasons. But why would you want to invest in someone that would do something like that at this stage in the game? It's a red flag.

[Painter]

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses.

My motivations?

I do think the wife should know.

And yes, I haven't heard from her in weeks while she was back home. I wanna stop this addiction and have a shot. I know it could backfire in the high chance the W tells them it was me, but what can I do? Sit by as he takes her on an exotic trip? Keep waiting?

It's a risk, but it's something. I almost wonder if I should have done it sooner to stop the addiction from growing.

It is hard to stay in a painful situation. Patience and humility are some of the first things you have to learn if you want your partner back.

There are a number of people here with experience who have advised you that it most likely will not work out the way you think it will.

You say your motivation is that the OM's W should know.

Then you say that you want to stop the addiction and have a shot. Do you understand the addiction? Do you think this will do the trick?

Then you say you want to do *something*. Don't do this just to do something - if you feel a need to act (and this is common, we've all been there, you want to do something to end the pain, to make things better), do something about yourself. Get busy, GAL, involve yourself in something that is good for you. Do you think she'll come back to someone who ruined her affair and caused her lover a lot of grief?

What you may very well get, is her and OM drawing closer because now it's them against the world, and that's a very powerful glue. He may move out of his home and in with your GF. If you leave them alone, it is very likely that the affair will burn out on its own, in some disappointment for her. Or - maybe this is the life she wants.

Either way, she's not going to come back because you interfere with her life. It will drive her further away from you. I understand the urge and the temptation, but I think you need to sit on your hands. You need more patience. In a marriage, it can take years to resolve these issues.

[FLman]

Hey Painter

Yeah - I feel all these things - it is a range of emotions.

I feel like the longer I've let this go without trying the W, the more the A grows. That's not good for either of us.

I really believe she can stop it - or she has more leverage than me. And she'd wanna know.

I just hope she will keep my name out of it for the info. I can't predict what she'll do.

Trying to figure it out.

[Azzork]

Azzork....Sorry if I offended. I'm in this mess because of my hyper criticism and for being highly opinionated. I am in no way spiritually mature I was cheated on in an earlier relationship and never forgot or forgave. The only good thing that came of that, is that no matter how bad things got I remembered that pain and I always remained loyal. Out of respect for my husband i also immediately shut down situations that could have led to pursuit. I expect similar respect from others and I am now hoping my husband is as faithful despite our issues.

The truth is I guess I could understand saving a relationship with infidelity if there are children involved (even then I don't think I could do it) or for practical/financial/legal reasons. But why would you want to invest in someone that would do something like that at this stage in the game? It's a red flag.

Julie -
No worries. Not offended at all. Just giving a different viewpoint.

I don't believe that just because someone has an affair that they have low morals and should be outcast. I think that they believe that they are doing what is best, but they don't care or don't care to consider the whole situation.

[ILYNOT]

Hey Painter

Yeah - I feel all these things - it is a range of emotions.

I feel like the longer I've let this go without trying the W, the more the A grows. That's not good for either of us.

I really believe she can stop it - or she has more leverage than me. And she'd wanna know.

I just hope she will keep my name out of it for the info. I can't predict what she'll do.

Trying to figure it out.

FLMan you are in Denial which is normal, she fired you and replaced you, please listen and do something for YOURSELF.. You cannot control her nor the situation nor the outcome, only GOD can, you can only control YOUR actions. I know it is very hard to understand but its the only thing to really do.

[job]

Did I misinterpret your original postings? Didn't your girlfriend break up with you and move out? Am I right to assume that there was no proposal? She not only fired you, but she's moved on and whether it's a married man or not, you have to accept the fact that she has completely moved on w/her life. Heck, I wouldn't even classify her as your girlfriend now, but a former one. There are no commitments here other than the fact that there may be some furniture or joint debts that need to be resolved.

If you truly want to try to win her back, then start GALing, focusing on yourself and becoming a happier man. Learn to enjoy life w/o her in it and if she happens to see you happy and positive, that very well may draw her attention back to you.

As the old saying goes, there are more fish in the sea and the right one will come along when the time is right. Let her go and figure herself out. You don't need this aggravation from someone who is no longer wanting to be a part of your life.