My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

The other big issue I have been facing. For months now, W continues to tell me that she believes she will be dead before this is all over. She sees only misery in any of her choices. She told me that she wants to start seeing a therapist, but can't afford it. I am in full support of her doing this and after she expressed an interest in it, I told her I would handle the financials of it.

She is supposed to be doing an intake today, she tried to commit suicide last night. Told me she ate a bunch of pills and just ended up vomiting the whole night. How does one handle this? I asked her if still planned on doing her intake today and she said she is even more committed to it. Apart from paying for the professional help, I don't feel like I should be doing anything else. I'm worried though, I really don't want my kids to not have their mother at all. I have no desire to be a widower.

[kml]

You need to let the place or person that is doing the intake know about the suicide attempt- she might not tell them. They can't discuss her with you, but that shouldn't keep you from telling them that she attempted suicide. This is very dangerous.

[late30s]

I will be letting them know, thanks kml.

So in reading over my last few posts, they have been about W far too much.

Not much to update for me. I am only working the one job now. Got my tuition all caught up so I get to start classes again in November. (Yay!) I have 15 credits left to get my Bachelor's. I remain super excited to start the new job. Just eeking out my two weeks here.

[late30s]

Journal:

This whole week, W has reached out to me to have lunch with me. It has been trying for me, but I wouldn't change that part of it. I have remained steady and tend to just hang out with her. I listen to her a lot. She told me that she wants to fix things with me. She sees that as the best choice. Doesn't love OM. He is a band-aid. Still lives there, so I take it all with a grain of salt. Was nice to hear though.

Days are not moving quickly enough.

[late30s]

Silly work interrupted my entry!

Days are not moving fast enough, I become more and more anxious to start the new job. Things with the kids remain good. Honestly every facet of my life is good at this point, save W.

I studied kung fu for a while when I was a teenager, looking into starting that up again. It amazed me how much it helped me to find peace as a teenager, I look forward to finding peace again as an adult.

[AJM]

If I may make a suggestion: don't let up on the degree. Make that a priority in your life.

As for the rest - it's good that you keep the lines of communication open with W. Just be careful of her wanting to come back too soon. And keep up the listening. A good rule of thumb is 70/30. Listen 70% of the time at the very least. With MLCrs - try to do more, but don't do less.

Keep up the good work and good luck with the new job!

AJ

[late30s]

It is absolutely a priority in my life. I'm so close I can taste it. In a few weeks I will resume classes full-time. My school has a strange term set up. Eight week terms. Full time is two classes per term. I resume at the end of October. By this time next year, I will have my degree and a substantial increase in my earning potential.

And you should know at this point, AJ. Your suggestions are always welcome.

[late30s]

So this weekend has me reeling a bit. Not much, but a little bit.

W was with us the entire weekend. I stayed good, no R talks, kept up my PMA, no pressure from me. Saturday we drove down to my new job. I had planned on doing this if she came or not. I wanted to show it to the kids. She opted to join us. That drive is about when I started reeling. She spent the vast majority of this weekend talking about the different kinds of houses *we* should be looking into buying.

After the trip down there, she called her brother to see if we could all come over. She hasn't included me in a trip to her brother's house in a very long time. While we were there she was affectionate with me in front of her family. Used lots of nicknames with me.

Sunday we hung out watching Netflix, she put on Realty Brothers and we watched it the majority of the day. They help people to find their dream homes by fixing up cheaper homes. She continued the house talk. Started looking at places in a nearby mountain town and came to the startling realization that those will be in my price range within the next year. She got really excited, called the kids in and started talking about *our* future home.

Earlier in the evening we went to a park close to here, it has an amazing view of the sunset and honestly I had just planned on going up there, hanging out a bit, and watching the sunset. She broke down while we were there, said that there will be a resolution to this situation soon. Started talking about how she realizes she can't have what she wants in life with OM, wants family and stability, she understands that I am the person that offers her that. After the park, she made it known that she was interested in ML. We went home and did that. I made a mistake here, but it has been a long time and I have a difficult time telling her no.

She went back to the apartment, but for the first time in a long time it felt like we connected, like she is starting to wake up a bit. This all comes after a week of her asking me to see her over lunch. I have seen her for the last nine days, this is the most time we have spent together since BD. I have been really good about keeping myself centered and not pressuring her. We have enjoyed each other's company.

I refuse to set myself up for a world of hurt, but there is a part of me that is hopeful now. A small part, but it did increase in size this week. I imagine I should now prepare myself for her to back way off and I am okay with that. Hopefully she'll actually do some thinking.

One great thing I can take from this week, I have become much better about allowing her to see my changes as well. For a long time I kept them from her. I was completely walled up around her, it was nice to let some of that tension down.

My concerns about this weekend:

She was acting very much like my wife and that nothing was wrong. She presented this to her brother and his family, her sister and her family, our kids, and to me. I want this to be the case, but I don't want to see my kids get their hopes dashed.

I'm getting the feeling that she wants to return and just sweep all of the last year under the rug and I can't do that. I don't intend to hold this time over her head in any future arguments but there has been a lot of hurt and I feel like it does need to be addressed. I have expressed to her that I want both of us to have a happy, fulfilling marriage and I would like for it be to each other, but the important part is the happy, fulfilling marriage. I am willing to wait to address this stuff if she comes back, I just don't want her to think that it will never be addressed.

I don't think that she has done any work for herself in this time. How could she? I have been the evil husband for most of the time, everything has been my fault. It has only been the past month or so that she has started to see that I am not responsible for everything going wrong in her life. It seems that is falling to OM. While part of me does chuckle at the idea of him receiving that kind of treatment, I am truly concerned that she doesn't look at her involvement in things. She continues to be the victim who is justified in hurting anyone that doesn't agree with her.

That's about all I have for this weekend. I think it will be nice to come back here and read over this stuff. I feel like this weekend was a pretty big turning point in our dynamic, but time will tell.

Edit *I aer spel gud*

[late30s]

Minor update:

Saw W for lunch today, though mostly saw spew monster. Was told today that I pushed into her to living with OM, gave her no other choices. I told her I thought that was utterly ridiculous. She had many other options once she decided to leave, it was her decision to go to him, not mine. Don't put that on me. She also told me that she would give OM up if it meant she could have the kids, I told her I would go for that. Told her to get out of his place and get out on her own. We could discuss joint custody of the kids, a 50/50 split, perhaps even more in her favor. At the moment, the boys want nothing to do with her, S16 has yet to go to her apartment. S18 has flat out told her that he will never see OM again in his life. S20 wants nothing to do with her and OM. I pointed out that yes, I want a successful marriage with her but my first priority is her health and that my children have a mother. If I have to sacrifice a M with her for that, so be it. She fumed for a while and then started with the "You made me go to OM" speech. At this point she is furious because a few of the boys have made it clear that so long as OM is in the picture, they won't really have a relationship with her. Seems like she wants to the boys to be happy that she left me, believe that it was the right decision and have OM celebrate father's day with my boys. They aren't going for it.

Other news. W and OM go in front of a judge at the end of the month for their eviction. Puppy is moving in with me today. She doesn't know where she is going.

I start the new job on Monday. It can't get here quickly enough.

[AJM]

Dazed and confused is about right. Wheeeee is more like it

She blames you for her moving in with OM? Hmm...

I don't think that she has done any work for herself in this time. How could she? I have been the evil husband for most of the time, everything has been my fault. It has only been the past month or so that she has started to see that I am not responsible for everything going wrong in her life. It seems that is falling to OM. While part of me does chuckle at the idea of him receiving that kind of treatment, I am truly concerned that she doesn't look at her involvement in things. She continues to be the victim who is justified in hurting anyone that doesn't agree with her.

How quickly things cycle. Both ways.

Be wary here. This is one of those critical points where she is looking at the past and the present and the future but not really differentiating between them. The common theme? Her. It's still self-centered.

The good news? She misses the kids. That's a big step. But it's hard to see that she misses you. She seems to miss that life, but hasn't really matured beyond that yet. I think you know that. It comes out loud and clear in your post.

As much as you'd like her to come back, I'm not sure that is a good idea. She isn't interested in "coming back" to the relationship by the sound of it, and I think you made it clear that's important. She seems far more interested in getting out of the current situation and going back to "safety".

Having been there, I suggest you figure out what YOU want. That seems to be the constant in this situation, although not really clear at this point. I know you want her to have a relationship with the kids. You want to start your new job. But it's not so clear what you want from the relationship with her.

I was in that position and opted to have her move back in. That didn't last long. She wasn't ready nor done with the issues that drove her to leave. I was the evil husband and still am as far as she is concerned. Meh, one person's view based on untruths and her desire for it to be so.

Looking back, I'm not sure that letting her come back so quickly and easily was the best choice. It was at the time with what I knew, but in hindsight, it may have been too early in the process.

Focus on your goals. Don't waiver on them. As for her, there is no hurry. I suggest waiting until you see that she really wants to come back for the relationship and not to recapture the peace and serenity of the old life. That life is dead and gone. She killed it. The only way forward is to create a new life.


Glad she's interested in the kids. That's a good sign. Glad you're progressing the degree and starting a new job. Yay!

AJ