Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now what we've got

[CHORUS:]
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Oh baby, baby
The reason I breathe is you
Boy you got me blinded
Oh baby, baby
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I planned it
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now what we've got

[Zelda09]

Well, I've got range, anyway. Cold War Kids, Britney Spears, you know...

This thread is titled as such out of pure honesty for the battle in my heart lately.

I was mostly ok for a while and now I just cry. SOMEHOW I WANT HIM BACK. Dear Lord in Heaven, what is wrong with me? And this is where I need to confront that yes, I am codependent, enabling and basically ready for another cycle if he were to show the slightest interest.

Imagining that him not signing those papers wasn't the big cruel game I thought, it wasn't the inaction of a confused and messed up man, but it was him really thinking about what he'd done...come on, get real Zelda. Every, every single fact I have on hand supports the cold hard truth, the reality, not the hopeful ramblings inside my head.

I am 4 months past the big event, and as my anger has left me, and I have struggled to forgive without the apology I'll never receive...I feel my heart opening again. Trying to see and understand the point of view he must have had, DR style.

Vanilla and I had started an abuse thread a while back. This is me, yearning for the sweet cycle to begin again. Crying my eyes out almost daily. Fighting the urge to minimize, deny, rationalize the truth of it all. To go rescue him after hearing from paralegals and mediators that he didn't want his divorce.

Well, when I heard it, I did reach out, with an offer that I would stand for our M if counseling, and for a guy that didn't want his divorce...he shut me down with 'Zelda, I disagree and will not try to contact you.' STBX speaks out of one side of his mouth with one audience, another with me.

So. Here I am trying to hold to rational foundations and not the emotional tug.


A. There is no reason to think anything will change if he doesn't want to change. Abuse tactics changed, and that was all that did for six years. Even if he came back, we would have more of the same and I do not want it in my life. The past was sweet but it was also a heart wrenching roller coaster once or twice a month.

B. I am dodging a bullet and there is nothing to fear about the future without him. This is a new beginning.

C. As much as DR inspired self-change can help change the dance, this is different. I must not doubt myself or blame myself for causing his behaviors and reactions. I'm simply not that powerful. And I didn't deserve what he did to me, or him giving up.

I admit to being rigid and easily upset, and I wonder if I had dished out my own emotional abuse in the past. Criticism, lack of empathy in the face of his irrationality.

But I must honor the way it really was to live with him and my own feelings about it, even if there are changes to be made. I believe he was borderline personality - aimless, unemployed, volatile, abstract, erratic lashing out even at friends, alternately sugary sweet or raging, depressed, full of fog and weak grip on reality and how the world works. Trying to be compassionate in the face of this felt like being a therapist, a mother, and putting my own feelings on the shelf as to not disturb him. I felt like I had a tremendous weight around my neck. My journal tells me that I felt disrespected and taken for granted and that he stopped caring a long time ago.

D. Even if his was reactive abuse to my anger, he doesn't want to be here and I have pursued enough. I must drop the rope. Truly trust the outcome.

E. Love is not enough. Love is a lot of chemicals in my head, and just because this hurts and I am grieving - it doesn't mean the M is worth saving. Just because it hurts doesn't mean I am losing something wonderful. It hurts because I have the ability to deeply attach and because I believed we were soulmates.

(Some soulmate.

But you all would understand if you ever saw him, if you looked into his eyes when he was deeply listening, if you heard him sing to you in his boxers, if he got up at 4am just to make you breakfast before you left for work each day, if you felt the way it was to be loved by him and if your heart broke for his constantly breaking heart. If you felt those big hugs and dreamt all those dreams with him, if he built you a giant easel, anything you wanted, and got behind your dreams and all that emotional support, you'd understand how much I put up with, how I never walked away for good six years ago when he shoved me off of that dock and walked around the party telling my best friends what a who** I was...)

[dmbfan]

I've been listening to this song a lot lately by Billy Vera

What did you think
I would do at this moment
When you're standing before me
With tears in your eyes
Trying to tell me
that you have found you another
and you just don't love me no more

What did you think
I would say at this moment
When I'm faced with the knowledge
That you just don't love me
Did you think I would curse you
Or say things to hurt you
'cause you just don't love me no more

Did you think
I could hate you
Or raise my hands to you
Now come on you know me too well
How could I hurt you
when darling I love you
and you know
I'd never, never hurt you-oo-wo-oo...

What do you think
I would give at this moment
If you'd stay
I'd subtract twenty years from my life
I'd fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again

I'd fall down on my knees
I'd kiss the ground that you walk on baby
If I could just hold you

If I, could just hold you

If I, if I could just hold-hold you, again

[Zelda09]

Dmbfan, it does get better. I no longer think he is worth 20 years of my life...

thank you for stopping by.

[Zelda09]

Summary:

2009 - STBX and I are crazy in love, key word crazy. We are on a rollercoaster, but man I never felt this way. That scene at the party, I broke up with him, but he was so rational and well adjusted, we got back together later...

2010 - talks of M increase. IDK why he does and says what he does, when he loves me so much. Deceits, misgivings over his job losses, but it's ok, we'll work it out. I am still in love and I have so much hope and faith.

2011 - finally engaged, but was a sad proposal. That still hurts, it should have been a memory where I felt how much I was worth to him, but he rolled out of bed without a ring, said the sweet things about looking forward to his life with me, because the day had come to fish or cut bait. He seemed to really get behind the fiance thing though, and was more stable than as a BF. Still fights where, "Z, we shouldn't even be together"

2012 - Still a couple of ridiculous fights...and then the life changing car accident. Before going under he told the surgeon to reassure me, he was going to walk for his wedding. Our community folded around us, and we were well supported, even if every time someone said hello they asked how he was before asking how I was. He didn't want his pain meds, was afraid of them...I went to bed thankful he was still alive each night, happy to make that little prayer of gratitude. I was still crazy about him.

2013 - We were married. Honeymoon. Some of the happiest days and memories of my life, even now. The last day of the honeymoon, he left me on the street in Paris because I'd asked him to put his phone away and be present during our dinner. When I came back to the flat, his headphones on, I just went to bed beside him. An apology the next morning. Ok.

Behavior is increasingly erratic. I try to talk to him about my concern over pain meds/getting tested for his mother's personality dementia Pick's disease, nothing is making sense to me day to day.

2014- I am complaining to him via text about the shape of the house, I'm working three jobs and just need help...he blocks my phone calls and texts for a week, acts like nothing is wrong at home, asks to be taken out to dinner. Finally I figure it out and he is snide, "I'm not trying to divorce you just yet"

It gets worse throughout the year. He pushes me away hard. Claims I don't care about him, his medical situation, but he won't talk to me about any of it. Sees me as the enemy. Treats me worse. He's angry and volatile with his lawyer, blames me for everything. Sometimes apologizes and says how much he hates being a burden even when I reassure him he's not. Starts retreating emotionally, making sporadic efforts. Tells me I will need to F other men when I tell him I want children, and then runs around the family reunion with crocodile tears when I'm not looking, yet treats me icily. I find that he's been texting old female friends like he's on crack, and finally a mutual friend comes to me with how uncomfortable she is...bomb drops at MC. We separate.

I fly to his hometown to see him and sit in a room with him like an adult and talk it over. He comes back just for a day or two...then never leaves, putting his ring back on. Settles his case, and for about two months we are piecing, and he tells me how lucky he is to still have me, BUT he threatens to leave me, date other people, give up also during this time. It's very hard to continue DR, everything is still erratic, but I think I have a new tool in my toolbelt, we'll be fine. I think he is 'teething' and so put up with things I never did, staying calm, when I used to blow up and push back. In a way, things get better, and they also get worse. Bigger swings.

His settlement check is scheduled to arrive. He gets physically violent in a way I never knew. I was afraid for the first time. Treated to three days of a silent treatment where he acted mad at me. He went out partying on my card without asking. I didn't know when I confronted him, roommate present, that he'd just picked up his check that afternoon. He shrugs, smirks. He doesn't care. Divorce is all we can do. I tell him he needs to find another place to stay then.

For the next two days he giggles in my presence, on the computer. Or cries. Acts as though nothing is wrong. Magically can drive his car and doesn't need the cane, either. He leaves, and we meet three weeks later to discuss things. He pushes dissolution papers at me, but I just can't. Two hour conversation recorded, and he's rather at peace with things in seems, tells me he has no interest in thinkng about things, just wants to take care of himself and sleep around, I brought the fight to him, it was why he didn't care to address his anger, he understands it was wrong, doesn't care. Not interested in reflecting on anything. Yes, but he's lost his temper before he says...well, it was the easy decision to make, it's not like a wife who is afraid of her husband is a healthy thing and people don't change he says.

He uses a paralegal to draw up divorce papers, demands I sign. I do. There is verbal abuse via text from him, but three months go by, and when asked why he isn't signing, "it's just paperwork, what do you care?"

Finally I hire a mediator, someone we'd both known. "I don't even understand why I'm getting D...SHE wants this...I'll sign if it's what she wants..." He calls our MC the day he signs and leaves a message.

I panic and reach out to him. Tell him there is a path back, it will be difficult, but we loved each other enough it is possible if he will get counseling. "Z, I disagree, I will not try to contact you."

I always pursued him in the past the three times we broke up or almost did. I was the adult in the room. I inspired, I talked of faith. We talked through the details enough to get to where we could see each other's point of view and make promises of how it wouldn't happen again. As long as I was the first to say I'm sorry, I can see how I provoked/caused/how you misunderstood...

So here I sit, thinking I could maybe have him back again if I will pursue just a bit harder, like I did when we were 'piecing' and didn't that work out well...

[dmbfan]

Wow....is he still on the pain medicine now?

MY WW today asked her doc to drop her Oxy dose in half. This last week she has been saying how when she is on it she feels like she doesn't care about wrong/right. She still understands what they are but don't matter. I've read online quite a bit of the effects Oxy can have on a person and while I know that isn't the entire story it sure doesn't help things!

[Zelda09]

I don't know. He told me he was barely taking 5mg a day, sometimes 10, as prescribed, on top of morphine derivative patches...also said he'd take it when he was stressed and it was a reason we shouldn't be together...he sent out cries for help to my girlfriends, like "oh I guess I'll just take another, it doesn't matter," and then while we were S, tried to make new friends by giving the stuff away in his hometown bc all his friends have families and couldn't go out at night. What a prince.

When he came back to piece it was one of the first issues we addressed at the MC, and she worked through it with me and said that it sounded like he was being monitored by three different doctors at a very low dosage and this was going to be part of me trusting what he was telling me about taking it as prescribed.

IDK if he is still on it. He went to someone's party the day he signed the papers and I heard he looked clammy and sweaty like he was on something or coming off of it. Not my problem any more.

He told me that the apathy was like floating and everything was warm and pleasant after a dose. Like your W told you, just didn't care.

I figured I can sit here for the rest of my life wondering if it is Oxy, a combo of that and anti-depressants, borderline traits, is he an unfeeling sociopath, is he showing early signs of Pick's disease...

You know what that little bit of white stuff is called, on top of a chicken chit, the bit that is a different texture and consistency than the rest?

Chicken chit.

It doesn't matter why/what...as a spouse, we've done all we can and they have to want help/change and we can't force them to feel anything they don't. Just got to work on us, the only thing we can control.

[Vanilla]

Z

I don't know what to say really, except I understand and

Hugs

V

[Zelda09]

I have found this week that increased crying is a useful discharge for emotions that I've previously been processing in a merry go round. Crying and grief is necessary for acceptance and I am trying to move myself there. Without discharge, the train is just going to keep going around the tracks.

STBX has activated his FB account after shutting it down to hide from ins companies on his lawyer's advice 3 years ago...he's deleted every single one of our shared acquaintances or friends...over 100. 30 or so of his close friends and family remain as shared bc I suppose he can't delete them just bc they choose to stay on my FB. If I had any thought he might say at the hearing that he would consider counseling, this does not support it. He is clearing out his old life.

I don't know why I keep looking for signs for hope or keep arguing with myself. Even doubting what I've seen and experienced.

I think I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that STBX, who was everything, feels nothing for me. The switch is off. He told me months ago he didn't think I could be the person he needs in his life, and I want to internalize that and argue about it.

I'm also having such a hard time not trying to convince myself (as he did) that I brought out this behavior in him some how, or I was abusive to him. Especially with his actions, hell, I'm almost convinced. He says to me when I reached out that contact from me is painful. He is cutting all ties. When he's not claiming that I wanted the D, he's claiming that I am manipulative and awful.

I have a few moments I regret through the years, but I remember falling all over myself in embarrassment and apology even then. Emotional floods, erratic, angry, panicked responses to the things he would do or say. Just ugly fighting on my part when I'm usually impassive, calm...he told me that day in the cafe that I "had a different form of violence...anger in my words, was almost visceral..." Is this true? I don't know. I thought I was a normal woman, disappointed and confused trying to explain to him how upsetting x y or z was. Of course, no one wants that to be the routine, a partner who is always unhappy at them, but how can a R be safe if people can't be honest in their emotions? He believed in waiting until emotion cooled down (which seemed like silent treatment for days) before talking about anything; I believe(d) in trying to talk through it as soon as possible, emotion or not, in order to work out the issue with partner and seek harmony again.

I feel mixed up.

It's like all over again when I first found this board. I had lost it when he flipped me off, "F you, Z," as I was trying to talk to him about what was wrong. I lost it because of that tone of voice of his, paternal, nasty. And I was resolute in my anger. I could not have a H with EAs, taking me for granted, talking to me that way, contributing virtually nothing.

Then weeks went by. I started seeing his POV, feeling sorry for how lonely and depressed he must have been. Surely he was right, I wasn't a good friend to him...

I felt myself slip as soon as I tried to forgive. I didn't want to be eaten up by my own anger anymore, but this is almost worse. Imagining I'm the bad guy, and there goes my poor sweet H down the street, who lost his temper one night, wasn't a good communicator, and there's his W who is so rigid and angry.

I can't keep in straight in my head how I see him, how I see the past. I'm afraid my IC isn't doing much good.

[PigPen]

Hi Z,

It sounds like you've been through hell in your M and are confused. Which is perfectly normal. It also sounds like your H was abusive which would make it even more normal for you to feel confused.

You are only responsible for 50% of your M. That's it. Don't beat yourself up. Instead use that energy to heal. To make yourself strong. To fill yourself up with compassion for the woman that went through all that you did. Compassion for her before compassion for your H.

Instead of trying to see him and see the past, just let them be and focus on how you see yourself moving forward. What qualities about you are amazing? What qualities do you want to develop further. The past is behind you, but Zelda is before you.

It sounds like you're struggling, so I'm sending you my own compassion. I'm sorry you're where you are and wish there was more I could do other than listen and give you a hug.

Hug,
PP