DBing still......WW still (Part 2)

[HurtJef]

I guess I need to decide what I am gonna do. I would love to have her back but my view of her is so different these days. Somedays I feel that I am so much better off without her and her deception....others I miss my old life with her...miss my friend.

[dwh15]

Based on recent posts, sounds to me like the DB approach has been working. Your WW has been noticing the new, improved HurtJef. I know it's hard, but try to avoid the backslides. Don't give her excuses to justify why she left. I don't think you've made any mistakes that can't be corrected, but stick to the DB plan from now on. If you get to a point where WW reaches out, and wants to work on things, then you will have to make a decision. I wouldn't rush it right now. Keep working on you, and let the rest unfold as it will.

[Cristy]

Hello HurtJef,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You had a setback, recognized it and can now get yourself back on track.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[HurtJef]

Thanks DWH and cristy.

Its so hard to be nice to her, knowing what I know now. I still love her very much. I guess I'm caught between being tough and being nice. When I am tough on her she plays the I am mean card, when i am nice....she tries to take advantage it seems.

I know Sandi promotes "tough love" when dealing with WWs but it feels like more of the same.

And as far as my changes go....it seems to anger her more than anything. She really thinks I am being selfish....or so she says.

[CaliGuy]

HJ ...

You are to much in her head and not into your own ... know what I mean?

Your actions, what you do and do not do .. should be about you and only you. They should not be lived according to what your W wnats/does not want .. says/does not say. Its not GAL as long as W approves ... its GAL for YOU .. you have to detach. She is seeing you do this and called you out on it crying "why did'nt you do this with me" ... the DB generic reply is "I would do alot of things differently" and thats it ... no pursuit or COme back to me so I can prove it .... she has to learn your changes are for you and not as a trick to win her back .... you have to learn this same thing and live it.

The tough love thing .. yeah .. that's about getting your self esteem back and the WW learning to respect you as a man again .. its critical

[HurtJef]

Thanks Cali

I understand and that is what I said to her....i would have done alot differently.
I didnt ask her to come home.

If she did come home...i would be more miserable.

I know its a process and can take years to heal myself but it was a rough few days.

[HurtJef]

Ok...been a few days since my last post. Just trying to detox and keep busy GAL!

WW had the kids Thurs, Fri. So thursday I went out to eat with my Mom. Last night went out with some buddies. Did some kareoke....never done that before and had alot of fun! They were handing out novelty items to the participents and I got a bear claw bottle opener.

I immediately thought of my WW as she collects bear nick nacks.

So WW dropped off the kids this morning and asked what I did last night. I just told her that I went out with friends and had a good time. Then I gave her the bottle opener. She loved it...and asked how did you get it? I told her about the kareoke and her mood changed to negative. She said I cant believe you are doing all this stuff now. I just told her that I am trying new things and left it at that.

She left. After she was gone, I went outside and noticed she left the bottle opener sitting on the chair on my porch. Oh well. I guess she doesnt want it.

[HurtJef]

Ok....been awhile since my last post but wanted to post an update and ask for some advice.

First, things with WW are pretty much limited to the kids. No more R talks and I am feeling pretty detatched. I feel that "drama fatigue" has helped me turn the corner. Also realizing the type of person my WW is has helped me step back and look at things from the outside. I still have difficult moments, usually after interaction with Ww but not in a "missing her" way, more in a "please go away" way.

The sitch right now is....My sd15 is struggling in her relationship with her mom. She is showing signs of rebellion with me as well. Younger kids seem to be doing better but still hate the swapping and two places. OM is around all of the time and has started doing things with my kids, much to sd15s and d8s chagrin.

My WW has been making comments to me insinuating that I am seeing someone else, and doing it in a snarky negative way. I do not indulge this behavior and ignore it completely. It isn't true and i find her hypocracy ridiculous.

I pretty much am staying the course....GALing and feeling pretty good about things. Gotten a few offers for dates which has helped my self esteem, but not something i am ready for.

Now....I have a question. My WW is having surgery tomorrow morning to remove a fatty cyst on her lower back. It is outpatient, and should not be too big a deal.
Should I reach out to her to let her know that I am thinking about her tomorrow? Or just let it go and let the day pass without acknowledging her surgery? I dont wanna be an a hole. I don't wanna be mistaken for pursuing either.

[Azzork]

My WW has been making comments to me insinuating that I am seeing someone else, and doing it in a snarky negative way. I do not indulge this behavior and ignore it completely. It isn't true and i find her hypocracy ridiculous.

I wouldnt ignore it. I think it was Cali that said that if W says something like that to say that youre in no position to be seeing anybody else right now and that you are using this time to work on yourself. And leave it at that.

Now....I have a question. My WW is having surgery tomorrow morning to remove a fatty cyst on her lower back. It is outpatient, and should not be too big a deal.
Should I reach out to her to let her know that I am thinking about her tomorrow? Or just let it go and let the day pass without acknowledging her surgery? I dont wanna be an a hole. I don't wanna be mistaken for pursuing either.

What would you send a neighbor you know kinda well?

[HurtJef]

Thanks for responding Azzork

As far as her comments go, your suggestion has been the approach i was taking for awhile. It either seems that she doesn't believe me or just wants to be a jerk.

Its gotten to the point that I am tired of it and her "craziness" that I am not going to indulge her poking me. It is not her business anymore and she is gonna think what she thinks anyways. I am not doing anything to invoke these comments. Besides....Its not my job to make her feel better about things anymore, also, she has told me that she thinks that I should start dating, although I am not ready for that.

About her surgury, I guess to a neighbor, I would just send a text saying that I hope everything went well. Very to the point and done.