Two months ago I found out that my wife is having an affair. We have been together for 14 years.
The night before I found out we briefly talked about splitting up. We have both been unhappy for awhile. Her father passed away about a year ago (they were very close) and her mom slipped into a major depression. On top of all that she couldn't find work (and was not looking) and is currently struggling with identity issues. She is not feeling like an adult. That's part of her counseling homework. To be more assertive with clearer boundaries and to support herself. The counselor was clear that she did not want my wife running back to me for me to take care of her for things like her car, jobs, money, etc. Of course my instinct is to help her.
The next night she goes off to class and while she's away from the house I uncover a photo of her kissing some guy. I confront her about it when she gets home. The entire exchange lasts about 10 minutes and she leaves. We don't talk for about 3-4 days. Then I get a text from her telling me that she is ok, that she's staying at a friends house and that we will talk soon. She comes home. She tells me that we've been growing apart. That she loves me but she's not in love with me anymore. That I am not emotionally available. We talk for hours. She ends up spending the night.
While she was gone for a few days she was trying to find a place to live. It's clear that she has it in her mind to physically separate. I try to convince her not to go (breaking all the rules) and she decides to go anyways. She starts packing her stuff. It's all super emotional for both of us. During this time we are both a wreck. Tears everyday, her spending the night, us sleeping in the same bed cuddling and breaking down together. By the end of the week on her last night she decides to talk to a marriage counselor. She leaves some of her high value things in the house but moves out. We agree on no contact for a week to reflect on our relationship and go to individual counseling sessions. She recently told me during this time she hung out with the affair partner because she was lonely and depressed. I didn't lose it. I simply said "Thank you for not lying to me. I really appreciate it. Honesty means the world to me. It hurts my feelings to know that you are still spending time with the affair partner but you have asked for space while you are figuring things out and I want to respect that. On a go forward basis if we move forward with our relationship I would hope that you would be able to break contact for good with the affair partner". She was surprised for sure. She brought it up in counseling.
Anyways, at the end of the week I tell her that not talking is to much of an emotional roller coaster for me and I suggest for her to come back to the house while I'm away and move the rest of her stuff out. I asked her to leave the house and leave the house key on the counter. I suggested no contact ever because I need to move on with my life and heal. This was all over the phone. She told me that she wanted to talk about it and I tried to refuse but she forced her way back into the house and we had a huge breakdown again. She ended up staying the night again. And we agreed to go to a marriage counselor again but this time together.
Fast forward a month and here we are. We're somewhat dating. We're still going to counseling. She is living on her own. We have spent the night together a few times. When she is home she is very protective over the house, our dog, etc. Her and I have had in depth conversations about our relationship, our counseling homework, and the progress we both have been making as a couple and individually.
Sounds like progress right?! Nope. She is still seeing the other guy!
Now before all of this went down I never read any book on relationships. I have now read Divorce Remedy. In the beginning I made all of the classic mistakes. I've since pulled back a bit. But with her our challenge was we were not close the last year. Hanging out an talking has made us closer. I'm confused as to how much I should pull back? If she wants to stay I let her. If she wants to talk I talk to her. If she says I love you which she always does first I say it back. But now I feel closer to her. She feels closer to me. We have some genuine communication going on which is actually really nice. But also super frustrating.
I guess my question is should I give up? It seems pointless to go to counseling if she is still active in the affair. When she is with me it's like everything is normal and we connect. And then she leaves and runs to the other guy and breaks it all down. Meanwhile I'm left in our house just getting more and more resentful about the situation. I have no idea what her intentions are with me. She has no idea. She is confused. The last time we hung out she told me that she wants our changes to be permanent and that she does not want to fall back into our old ways. She acknowledged that she is working on our relationship. Oh an were also planning on going to California for 7 days alone to reconnect in like three weeks.
I'm thinking about telling her to come get the rest of her stuff. I'm thinking about canceling our next therapy appointment. I'm thinking about telling her that I'm exiting her life for good.
So hear I am. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just trying to stay busy. Read what I can. Stay active. I'm getting attention from girls at bars or whatever but I keep shooting everyone down because I'm not ready (because I still love my wife) and I feel guilty like I would be cheating if that makes sense even though my wife is entrenched in an affair. The thought of being with someone else sounds so painful. And for those of you who are wondering I haven't turned to alcohol. When this all went down I made the decision immediately to not drink at all. When I get depressed I run, hike, or climb. Seems like a better lifestyle choice.
Should I give up?
TL;DR Wife of 14 years cheated on me. She moved out. She is attending couples counseling with me. She is "working" on our relationship. She is still seeing the affair partner. She
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I should add texting and calling is really interesting. She usually calls or texts me every night to say goodnight. She will always text back or call back but she will not initiate texting or calling during the day or at night other than calling to say goodnight. Should I not be texting at all? It seems like we should be talking and hanging out to become close again. Am I completely wrong here?
I stopped calling and texting about a week ago. I've been working on GAL. Running helps. She usually checks up on me once a day with a phone call. Yesterday she wanted to come by the house and hang out. I was in a really solid place so I asked her if she wanted to bring the rest of her stuff over to her new place. She told me I was freaking her out and that she wanted to keep the rest of her stuff in our house. Before she left we cuddled in our bed. When she left she kissed me. It's back on now. I haven't text her or called her at all today and I haven't heard from her either. I know that she works a majority of the day. I've been going back and forth on if I really want this anymore. When she's around I feel close to her and we've been having fun. When she isn't I have thoughts filled with resentment and anger. I'm fairly confident I can pick up other girls so it's not like I'm afraid to be single. All of the cons outweigh the pros for reconciling. But the one pro is that it's her. And that throws all the cons away. Love is illogical. I should add that I'm not "in love" with her either. I love her in a mature, committed, type way. But I haven't felt the spark for a long time. My intention really it to just try to see if we can salvage what we have and build a new relationship.
I dropped the bomb yesterday in therapy that I was considering not reconciling. At that point I felt like I was over it. Later that day my wife dropped by our house after I was off work with her overnight bag and wanted to spend the night with me. She brought up that she thought it was interesting that I was more reluctant now. She also told me it evoked no feeling in her. She wasn't happy nor sad. This kind of hurt my feelings but I'm not sure that it was true because she did pack her bags and come home for the night. It was a good interaction until we brought up our homework assignment for counseling. It's called an empathetic letter. We need to write down how we feel in the others perspective.
We were talking briefly about the assignment when the subject of the affair came up. She asked me how I was feeling about it and I told her what it felt like from my point of view to be the victim of infidelity. I told her that it was the cruel. I told her that it was evil. I told her that I also felt sorry for her that she had to live with for the rest of her life knowing what she did to me. I told her that she would have to take it to her grave. I then mentioned briefly the mentality of a cheater (rebellious, cold, selfish). She was really trying to get me to come out with it all. Obviously not the best conversation (although it was very calm) but I felt like it had to be said. At the end I hugged her and I told her that I appreciated her trying to work through all of this with me. After we went to bed. Restarting the clock now. I will not call or text her unless I hear from her.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/04/1502:51 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
She asked me how I was feeling about it and I told her what it felt like from my point of view to be the victim of infidelity. I told her that it was the cruel. I told her that it was evil. I told her that I also felt sorry for her that she had to live with for the rest of her life knowing what she did to me. I told her that she would have to take it to her grave. I then mentioned briefly the mentality of a cheater (rebellious, cold, selfish). She was really trying to get me to come out with it all. Obviously not the best conversation (although it was very calm) but I felt like it had to be said. At the end I hugged her and I told her that I appreciated her trying to work through all of this with me. After we went to bed. Restarting the clock now. I will not call or text her unless I hear from her.
I understand this was part of the assignment however I would not do that again.
Does getting it all out make you feel better? Does it accomplish anything?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Should I not be texting at all? It seems like we should be talking and hanging out to become close again. Am I completely wrong here?
The DB'ing rule of thumb is sometimes reply back right away, sometimes not for an hour or two, and sometimes not at all. You want her to think you're moving on and GAL'ing, and it'll work best if you really ARE GAL'ing and you really ARE too busy to reply.
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Before she left we cuddled in our bed. When she left she kissed me. It's back on now. I haven't text her or called her at all today and I haven't heard from her either.
She's keeping you tied up as plan B in case OM doesn't work out. You don't want to be plan B. You've got to quit letting her spend the night and cuddle and such as long as she's still going home to OM. It's not helping your sitch.
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I should add that I'm not "in love" with her either. I love her in a mature, committed, type way. But I haven't felt the spark for a long time.
A lot of WAS's think that because the puppy love feelings aren't there that something is wrong. But puppy love feelings are temporary, they rarely last longer than about 6 months into a relationship before they are replaced with a more enduring type of love. WAS's leave the relationship to chase those puppy love feelings. Eventually that runs its course and they may at that point realize that the LBS was more important to them than they thought.
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I dropped the bomb yesterday in therapy that I was considering not reconciling.
Think long and hard before saying such things, because if you said it as a tactic to "wake her up" and "snap her out of it" then she will see right through it. She'll see it as manipulation to get her back, and controlling/ manipulative behavior is poison to a WAS.
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I told her that it was the cruel. I told her that it was evil. I told her that I also felt sorry for her that she had to live with for the rest of her life knowing what she did to me.
Quit playing the victim. There are reasons she left for OM, she didn't do it because you were the best spouse ever. What are those reasons? Write them down here. What are you doing to fix those issues? Write that down too. You have to change before she'll ever think about a relationship with you again, what are you changing?
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I then mentioned briefly the mentality of a cheater (rebellious, cold, selfish).
Sounds like you're reading the wrong books. Have you read DB? It has a much different take on why WAS's cheat. It's because something is very wrong in the relationship and they are trying to escape that. You can't guilt trip her into coming back. But you can start trying to see things through her eyes, understand what the problems were and make changes to yourself accordingly.
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but I felt like it had to be said.
No, it didn't. It was a big setback in your DB'ing.
I am reading the Divorce Remedy book and browsing the forums. To be honest I've been a little overwhelmed by the amount of information here. I think I read a post by someone who briefly described a WW as I did. I am normally really positive around her. I have no idea how I ended up in that conversation and I regret saying what I said to her. I messed up. I apologized to her in the morning if I made her feel like I was putting her down and I expressed how I am trying to process what happened and trying to forgive her. I made a mental note to stop talking about the affair without our therapist present leading the conversation. That goes for relationship talk to. We agreed to only talk about our relationship after therapy with a 30m debrief.
She is not living with the OM (I've been to her house) and I do not factually know if they are still in contact although I believe they are. She has female roommates. I know she works a ton (I have verified this) and the little bit of time she does have she makes an effort to keep me involved in.
Regarding playing the victim that's the hardest part mentally because I feel like a victim. For the first month before I got my stuff together I was playing the victim and it was definitely not working. I made ALL of the mistakes. The last month I've been focusing on GAL truly. I've been going out a ton, exercising, and meeting new people. I've also stopped texting and calling her entirely. She initiates all contact when she wants to. She has acknowledged how busy and fun my life sounds and how she misses it.
When I said that I was considering not reconciling I was 100% serious. It wasn't a scare tactic. My emotions change day to day but at that point in time I really felt like I was over it. I love her for sure and when she's with me I really don't question if reconciling is worth it. When we are apart the resentment grows. I question her every move internally and I am always on guard about being used or lied to by her. I don't let that show or mention it but that's how I feel. Again I need to process more, take a step back, and not jump to decisions made based out of fear or anxiety.
Lastly I recognize and acknowledge why our relationship failed. I'm not putting all of the blame on her. I was emotionally unavailable at times. I grew up in a rough household and at a very early age I learned to deal with my problems on my own. I have been working hard through therapy, and with her to correct those issues. Unfortunately it took this to wake me up and get me to want to change for me. I also want to change for us. We're communicating on a crazy level now. We haven't had these types of emotionally charged, honest conversations in years.
I have no idea if it's going to work out. But we are getting along and we are communicating and being affectionate when she shows up. She seems to have fun with me. There is lots of laughing going on.
Should I continue my current course of action of GAL? I think I should. How do I know what's working and what's not? She keeps telling me how much progress we are making but how can I believe any of that?
I understand this was part of the assignment however I would not do that again.
Does getting it all out make you feel better? Does it accomplish anything?
It made feel worse and it did not accomplish anything at all. It made her feel bad. She started to cry and hugged me. It was awful and I don't plan to play the victim again. I will ooze out confidence from this point forward.
