Wow, Erin! I think this went really really well! You did make yourself HEARD, and he's willing to put some effort in. God I hope it doesn't come to something similar for me!
But thanks for the courage just in case.
I too have been feeling like: What about what I need from CJ to make this work FOR ME....the physical affection/sex thing is still a big issue for me. As is procrastination on key things ect.
Please take KAW's advice and join us in noticing three positives a day -- it has made a HUGE difference for a lot of us here in piecing! Even noting and thanking h for one thing a day will be a wonderful step in the right direction for you both!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quoting erinr: Did I do the right thing? Only time will tell.
Well for me, to my embarrassment , it took my W dropping the bomb of a PA and wanting a D in the same breath to open my eyes to what I needed to change ... so some of us guys do have some pretty thick skulls.
Quoting erinr: I hope some of this got through to him. I have drawn a line in the sand and I'm gonna have to stick with it. I hope he doesn't make me have to show him the consequences of inaction.
I hope so too, but if he doesn't seem to move on this, there still are some things you can do to re-enforce your stance. Such as next Monday or Tuesday, leave out Sunday's classified from the newspaper folded to the "apartments for rent" section with some circled in red left on the kitchen counter ... if he looks at it or inquires about it, don't throw it away, but fold it up and place it by/in your purse or the like ... just might jar him enough to act before the final ultimatum.
Thanks for the responses. At such stressful times, to get feedback is an incredible PMA boost.
Shiny, I'm sorry that you feel you and CJ are even close to this point. What the two of you have seems like a dream to me. But, since not getting what I needed out of the relationship helped get this ball rolling in the first place, I can understand.
KAW, why are men so thick? I find it incredibly annoying that most men have no grasp of subtelty. You all have to be knocked across the head with a concept in order to understand! Anyway, like I said, I hope he really understands that I am serious about this.
Sage, you're right. Focusing on the positive really does help the PMA. So, here goes:
3 Positives from yesterday:
1.) H gave me a sweet goodbye kiss before leaving for work. 2.) While giving me and D2 a hug, called us "my ladies". 3.) Called me to let me know he would be late and not to bother with dinner.
I already gave him a thank you today. I asked him to give me a call around 10:00 this morning from work to talk about this weekends plans and he did. This may not seem like a big deal, but I know he is super busy at work this week and to stop and call me did require special effort which I thanked him for.
How's that?
As for this weekend, I'm dropping off my kids by my dad's house and he is taking them to the lake house for the weekend. H and I have a "no kids allowed" b-b-que tomorrow and dad offered to take them. So, H is golfing in the morning and I'm going with a girlfriend for a manicure/pedicure and a quick look at some new model homes. Should be nice to have some time for myself and some alone time for H and I.
I'll let you know how it goes.
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
For spouses making mistakes its a lot easier being thick headed (and stick their heads in the sand) than admit that they are wrong. This seems to to be the case for both sides (pre bomb for us and post bomb for them), but when we get that kick in the pants its amazing what we can do when forced to.
Quoting erinr: KAW, why are men so thick? I find it incredibly annoying that most men have no grasp of subtelty. You all have to be knocked across the head with a concept in order to understand!
Well to speak for myself ... its just the way I'm wired ... with a couple of them crossed which causes a few shorts! Seriously ... I felt I was so firmly ground in my sense of reality to consider her perspective as being valid. I literally became to complacent in my own little world to want to change anything. Its amazing how strong one's ability to maintain a perspective can even fool oneself. I felt so strongly content that it blinded me to how misible I really was.
However, I'm now going to stick my neck on the chopping block for you gals, as my W is demonstrating this is not just a male thing to get lost in one's own little world ... as my W has convinced herself that despite all the changes I have made, she will never be happy in M and her only chance at a fleeting glimpse of happiness in her future is to chase a fantasy and is weighing whether or not its worth risking all she has now to pursue it...
Wow Erin..you seem to have your priorities in order..seems like the talk maybe will sink in..he did call you..gave you a hug..alone time..hmmmm.....you said he does not like to have to ask for help..are you involved with a church? It might be easier to talk to a pastor then a c. Hope things improve at least a little.
)
Anyway, like I said, I hope he really understands that I am serious about this.
when forced to.
Seriously ... I felt I was so firmly ground in my sense of reality to consider her perspective as being valid. I literally became to complacent in my own little world to want to change anything. Its amazing how strong one's ability to maintain a perspective can even fool oneself. I felt so strongly content that it blinded me to how misible I really was.