It's been a long time since I posted so a quick re-cap:
me:29, H: 31 2 kids: Son 3, daughter 2 Married 6 years this past week Nov. Had a R talk about how neither of us was satisfied with the R. Dec. 29, told me he no longer loved me Jan: 3 days before asking him to leave the house, I found DB and set to work. May, received first ILY since Dec. June: Have had 2 big blow-ups in 4 days. He's shutting down again, getting defensive.
For those of you who don't know me or remember, one of our big issues has been a ff of his that I cannot stand. She is incredibly flirtatious, suggestive, annoying, bitchy, conniving...better stop myself before I get super ugly. Anyway, H has done a pretty good job keeping us apart but for some reason over the last couple of weeks has started bringing her around again. My final straw was last night. I went to a Sox game with my sisters and he took the kids to her house. I didn't know this until this morning when my son told me about it. Last night when I asked my H what they had done, he told me in a teasing manner it was none of my business. That generally means he took them to Mcdonalds or Chuck E. Cheese.
I was furious. Partly because he brought my kids around that B@&$^ but also because he lied to me. We had a phone call not long ago (about 1 hour) and I told him that I was upset he didn't tell me and that I know he didn't b/c he knew I would be upset. He said that was why and I said that if he knew I would be upset then he shouldn't have done it. A statement he didn't agree with. To sum up...I told him my feeling towards ff hadn't changed AT ALL. That he had made an effort to keep us apart and I wanted it to continue. Pointed out to him ways that she tries to put him in the middle with her coming out smelling like a rose and me looking like a lunatic. Hopefully he heard. But I doubt it. I would like someone to find a sink hole for her to fall into. Please.
The other argument occurred Friday night. Not important over what, but it did introduce some R topics that needed discussing, among them our status in his mind which I never found an answer to. He told me he loved me and really hasn't said it since. During our talk Friday, he said he's still working things out in his head. It made me really upset and angry because I thought he was back in this with me, but apparently not. He still has doubts but hasn't discussed them with me at all.
What I'm most upset about with all this is that it feels like February all over again. I feel like in the last 2 weeks we have made HUGE backslides. I don't know where to start over or if I even have the energy to do it. Do I really want to stay in a relationship where me and my feelings come last?
I've been away from the BB for a long time because things felt so good. Maybe I've fallen into my old patterns again but I feel in so many ways that I am still doing all the work and carrying the burden of saving our marriage on my back and its starting to hurt.
Sorry about the rant. 2 x4's needed and appreciated.
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
Welcome back sorry to see you here but at least you know you have a good place to come back to . I think that you need to go back and think about what was working. I bet you can see things that you have fallen back into doing that you werent doing before.
I know how you feel that you are doing most of the work on the R and not get the returns that you want. My suggestion so to go and see what 180 you can do that would be different. LIKE stopping all of the obsessing about the FF.
How are things going? Your post here is several days old. I don't ususally check beyond page 1 here , but something told me to do it today.
Sorry to hear about the backsliding. Have you two talked some more? Any compromises? Boundaries set?
I think it was crappy of your H to take the KIDS over to ff's house, knowing you can't stand her, then to lie about it (well, withhold the truth at any rate), THEN to admit he did so because you'd be upset???
Really! I have to agree with you...if he KNEW It would bother you so much then he SHOULDN'T have gone there!
But perhaps it was the way you broached this? I'm sure were it me, I would have, well, freaked. Perhaps a calmer approach might have yielded better results? Made him feel less "controlled" (as in he had to be sneaky so as not to upsept you) and more "understanding" of why although HE might think visiting her is okay, it's STILL a very touchy issue for you. And you'd appreciate it if he'd keep that in mind.
IT started today when he called and told me that some people at a party we were at on Saturday started talking and asking questions about what was wrong between us. Not to us of course, but to other family members. I jokingly say, "I guess we're not faking it as well as we thought." He very soberly replies "I guess not".
I've had a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach the last couple of weeks. That sad look is back in his eyes and he's pretty withdrawn again. I told him that I think he needs to go for awhile so that he can sort his feelings out without looking at me and the kids and feeling guilty all the time. I said he needed time to himself to decide if we are what he really wants.
His reply was that he was at work and that he couldn't talk about it, but we would when he gets home tonight.
I think this is the right decision. For the last 8 months I have done everything I know how. I have db'd my ass off, read everything I could get my hands on, went to see a MC without him since he refused to go, gave him his space and tried to make life as pleasant as possible. I have required nothing of him and that's the problem. In the last few weeks, I have told him the things that I need to feel better and to feel loved.
He cannot say he didn't understand because I told him in very explicit terms and I started small so as not to overwhelm. After the incident with the FF, I told him that I needed honesty even if he thought it would make me upset. and I told him that in order to feel loved, I need some sort of physical affection every day, as simple as a hug, or an arm around my shoulders for a second, nothing overly demonstrative (He's very uncomfortable with Pda). That's it. I don't think honesty is a whole lot to ask for in a marriage, nor affection. Nothing has happened.
Now, I want him to go. I need some space from him too. This has been way too stressful. Part of our discussion tonight will be making him understand that in order to come home, that is going to require us going to some MC and maybe some personal therapy for himself. I need to see HIM make some effort to make this marriage work.
If we get to the point of him coming back home under the conditions above, I thankfully live close enough to Michelle that I will probably call there first and see if her or one of her colleagues can help.
Please keep me in your prayers tonight. I'll let you know how it goes.
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
Erin -- I'm sorry that you find yourself back on the boards and that you and h are still struggling.
Quoting erinr: I think this is the right decision. For the last 8 months I have done everything I know how. I have db'd my ass off, read everything I could get my hands on, went to see a MC without him since he refused to go, gave him his space and tried to make life as pleasant as possible. I have required nothing of him and that's the problem. In the last few weeks, I have told him the things that I need to feel better and to feel loved.
<snip> Now, I want him to go. I need some space from him too. This has been way too stressful. Part of our discussion tonight will be making him understand that in order to come home, that is going to require us going to some MC and maybe some personal therapy for himself. I need to see HIM make some effort to make this marriage work.
What you've written here seems so wise and strong. I can see the fruits of the DB labor! I hope that you and h. come to a place that feels right to both of you....
Why not join us on a more regular basis? Even if we can help you out, I KNOW that you could give us or some newcomers some great advice.....
Good luck tonight. Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi Erin, Sorry to hear you are back because its not going so well.
Quoting erinr: For the last 8 months I have done everything I know how. I have db'd my ass off, read everything I could get my hands on, went to see a MC without him since he refused to go, gave him his space and tried to make life as pleasant as possible. I have required nothing of him and that's the problem. In the last few weeks, I have told him the things that I need to feel better and to feel loved.
This sounds sooo familar to someone else on this board. Have you visited lostlove's threads? Back in March, she wrote nearly verbatim what I read above. Yet she manage to find something different that worked to help turn it all around for her. She began to journal daily here three positive things that happened to her each day ... no matter how small. Before giving H the boot, take some time to read thru her threads ... it might give you a different path to try first.
Hi Erin...welcome back..sorry things have gone backwards. Hope your talk can resolve something. While I certainly do not advocate seperating..you know from my thread that it has been the best thing h and I could do..for ourselves..I pray that in the end it is the right thing for our m.
I will keep you in my prayers..remember no matter what to take care of yourself..you have two small kids that need you.
I have a friend who has been advocating this move for a long time and I always said it wasn't right. Not the right time or situation. This time, however, I am feeling scared, but confident in this decision. I love my H. I want my marriage to work out. I have done so much thinking and reflecting and self-improvement over the last few months. I am a better person than when this began (for the most part!). The one thing that I have learned through all of this mess is that the problem is no longer me. That was the rational at first, but i've done so much that I truly believe he needs to spend some introspective time and start working on himself.
How can I expect him to do that when he is looking at me and the kids everyday and feeling guilty? His pride won't let him see a c, so the decision now is his. Will his pride break up his family? If that happens, its on him. I truly feel I have done everything I can and given him every opportunity to work with me on our marriage. HE has to want to now.
If he leaves and never comes back, so be it. I am at peace with my efforts. I will be devastated and hurt beyond belief, but I will survive.
I'm not even angry. I feel sad for him that he is shutting everyone out of his life, me, family, friends, and he is so unwilling to stop running around like a chicken with his head cut off and figure out why. I think he is scared to stop moving and start thinking because then he'll have to face his issues and failings and for a total Type A personality like him, that is unacceptable. I swear "Failure is not an option" is his motto. In many instances, that is a great quality, but when his refusal to admit failure interferes with his ability to admit that he is wrong or not perfect in some way, it gets incredibly frustrating.
Sorry for the ramble. I am still trying to gather my thoughts for this evening. Who knows, maybe he can convince me that his leaving is not the best thing for all of us, but that's gonna take some pretty fast talking as well as a lot of promises, followed by action!
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
well, our talk didn't go quite as I imagined but I'm ok with how it did go.
The long and short of it is that he isn't moving out right away but on the condition that he starts to see a therapist of some sort within the next week or two max. If I don't see him making any moves in that direction, the decision is out of his hands and the kids and I are leaving.
It felt so harsh to say that because I know it hurt him beyond belief, but he needed a pretty hard kick in the pants. This was actually a pretty big 180 for me so lets sit back and see how it plays out.
He also knows that in the eventual, we will start to see a mc, too. Given, of course, that in all his soul-searching he decides to stay, but I truly believe he will.
I also told him that even if he doesn't move out, I think that he needs to get away by himself for awhile. I told him to rent a condo in florida or somewhere else for a week or two and just think, sit by the beach, whatever, but get away from the stress of us, the kids, work. He seemed to like that idea and hopefully he will take it. I really think that he needs some alone time.
At one point he told me he didn't think he could leave the kids ever and I said that while he may be willing to live with someone he didn't love, I wasn't. I also said that we both deserved more than that. At that point he said I deserved someone better and I replied that I deserved a better and happier H. I said I didn't want someone else, I wanted him, but I wanted him whole and happy.
I hope some of this got through to him. I have drawn a line in the sand and I'm gonna have to stick with it. I hope he doesn't make me have to show him the consequences of inaction. I wish he didn't feel/see shame in needing and asking for help. That would make this so much easier. I just don't see another way at this point. He's not working through his issues on his own, so he needs someone else to help him. At least someone that will ask the right questions to get him thinking.
Did I do the right thing? Only time will tell.
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
. I think that you need to go back and think about what was working. I bet you can see things that you have fallen back into doing that you werent doing before.
, but something told me to do it today.
