Hello

[Vanilla]

714,

You need a really good L. You can attest to the truth. You can present a witness statement. Unless WW has recordings then it becomes a he said she said issue. The texts are slightly different though but you can explain. just because something is difficult doesn't make it impossible, just challenging. Something you chose to rise to for deep love of your children.

Getting drunk on your own isn't great news but we all do it, let yourself off the hook. You are human!

Kids are resilient too, judges know the baloney which is included. I think it would be great to have WW next rant recorded.

You are a loving dad and there is no neglect, it's basically tactics. It's not personal, just business. Time to get it together, seek 60:40 in your favour. Loving that Cali, (of whom V is an enormous fan).

V

[714Dad]

a modified email exchange from this afternoon.

from her:

Why is there an appt to do an application at public school. D6 is not going to Guin Foss. Can you please explain to me why you are contacting them?

We were awarded financial aid for the private School, really affordable - cheaper than even a month of afteschool care would be. If you don’t want her to attend the private school, we can discuss public school options that but public school 1 is a non-started for me.

WAW


my reply:

"I just wanted to make sure that I had backups in place if need be.

That is the day the staff is back and I was getting a pamphlet.

Think back and remember that i have always been behind you on education for the girls 100%. I have always stood up for you if others said something out of confusion or fear. I have always looked to you for guidance with the girls, and I have always respected your decisions as a great mother to our children. Whether it is taking you to that private school documentary night at college, driving to the fancy school with you, going to the mayday celebration at the Waldorf school, or volunteering at Ds preschool, I have always been supportive of you and to remember otherwise is hurtful.

I can hear your frustration because you think I am going behind your back.

I am not going behind your back.

I was simply getting a backup in place in case of the unexpected.

I like to be prepared.

-LBS

[714Dad]

V, there is always the cliche of the wife unloading on the dad when he gets home with the kids having been bad etc. right?

i did that, but not too often. instead it was texts, often intense and always from a depressed point that i sent these over maybe a 20 minute period on whatever random day.

usually one spat every two weeks or so on a bad day. but as my W often pointed out they were so totally hopeless so as to be death wishes. i felt everything so intensely. and she always tried to help me and asked what she could do. i reread them and there are lots of parts where she says we need more time together, but those were always nights the girls were up too late or we fell asleep with either D, and never connected.

So these statements in text were almost like that unloading but instead of them being when she walked in the door they were once in a while during the day.

hard for her to concentrate and work when i did it.

and then i'd forget to apologize or talk about it by the evening and it wouldn't be resolved.

I said things like "i don't have what it takes to be a parent" and things like that.

i was worried it would go here and now it has.

anyone have experience with this or know how much weight they hold?

in the same texts my wife says "everyone thinks I am insane - I probably think I am but I am not insane to remember what happened."

and so it begins.

[CaliGuy]

714

From my experience you are in a no-fault state ... which is mostly about the D. As far as the kids go I will tell you this. I have a good buddy, between his xW and himself they have a d11. During the process his XW blew a gasket and told the courts he would go into the shower while d11 was there making her feel uncomfortable .. this was then stretched into more ... molestation more type stuff ... all in a ploy to gain 100% custody. Long story short ... d11 spoke with a state provided counselor and the judge smelled and called BS and tossed it out.

I would get a L ... but feel those TMs hold little weight.

[714Dad]

Thank you Caliguy.

I was and still am so destroyed by her doing that. If I did one thing it was always be attentive to my girls when I had them. I rarely went on my phone like many parents (especially dads) do.

I have asked friends who have seem me at preschool and other places to write me something on my behalf as to mental state or if i seemed stressed with the girls, just so i can have them as a counter at the mediation. unfortunately that will make my W all the more angry that i asked other people about things.

This is the type of thing where character witnesses come in and play a role? if it goes to court?

*

after thinking for a while I can always go nuclear.

If i let go of the house like she wants I could propose an 80/20 in my favor, being that i was the primary caregiver. Then we would inevitably go to court and it would take a long time and cost a lot and in the end it would probably still be 50/50. i could just move back in with my parents and live off child and spousal support. then i could raise the girls entirely and not have to work (though i'd like to) and fix up my parents house in the meantime.

in CC my wife was asked for something positive she admired or was different about me. she struggled and then came up with the idea that in a crisis situation i can somehow stay calm and focused and not be worried - that i can see options and focus down. she used a backpacking trip when forest fires started burning nearby and we had to make it out of Big Pine canyon.

and even though i never want to, i can cut away huge pieces of my life to fit through narrow doorways.

[Vanilla]

Listen to your L and really hear what you are told.

You can never change the past, but you can change the way you look at it.
So.....

Can you list for me 10 ways in which you are a terrific dad?

Let me give you a start

1. I am the primary caregiver and I put my girls first......
2. I love my girls and am fighting hard to be with them every day I can..........
3. I have the skills to......
4. I tell great stories...........

Please can you state positive things as if you did these things today.

V

[714Dad]

1. I always listen to my girls and address their concerns (when it's not a tantrum).

2. I stay calm as they spiral out of control, telling them I love them and that I am here for them.

3. I keep my promises to them, and if I can't, i talk to them about why and make a compromise.

4. I GAL'd with them and went to the fair. Seeing them laugh was amazing.

5. I have them all vaccinated.

6. I let them run naked in the back yard if they want to.

7. I am finally making games out of work and they are accepting them (something i could never do and that my W did well).

8. I love their mother. (it's a Leo Buscaglia thing).

9. I am working every day to be more calm and centered so that I can help them with the undulation of emotions.

10. I love them unconditionally.

11. I am writing an entire fictional children's novel based on them.

12. I am being strong and positive in front of their mother, hearing her and validating her feelings no matter how angry she gets. I am not giving up hope.

13. I am fighting to keep the house they came home to as infants so that they have someplace familiar and solid to hold onto.

[Vanilla]

I love this list, it's absolutely authentically you. It's how you really feel about your girls.

Reread this list over, perhaps print it, laminate it, distribute it to everyone who knows you. You have the right to be proud that's fabulous fatherhood.

Now 714, if you put this dad with these attributes against a few wobbles in the past, how does that measure up?

It's obvious, isn't it? Everything else is just background noise.

There is just so much love pouring through these web posts today on your thread, my iPad is glowing.

V

[WhyUs]

714Dad,

Your a good man. I love that list. I can feel your passion in it. Keep on keepin on.

[714Dad]

Very overwhelmed with all of this now.

Served on August 11.

Just took girls on vacation. Got back, W had moved her stuff out plus the computer so now I'm trying to work at my parent's.

I'm so tired of this right now. Really.

I am trying to do some work but I have to use my parent's computer and it can't open the file, etc.

All my other stuff was on the computer including lists and ideas, etc. Now I have to see if I can go and email them to myself. I made a full backup before i left so i have that, but i need a faster computer to open it.

Talking to a new lawyer tomorrow, scared about custody issues, the house appraised for more than I thought it would so now that has increased my 'buy out' price to something really high.

no work prospects yet. W still looks happy and amazing.

I sent her a postcard from D6 and D3 while on vacation. I wrote what they wanted me to say.

She picked them up last night after getting upset over the issue of me having had two weekends with them and she now wanting two weekends. When they left I was waving at my girls and smiling.

I am making more eye contact with W, but i don't know if this is something I want to do (for DR) or should do. I saw her tell the girls to wave to me as they drove off and I looked right at W. She looked at me for a second and then looked away. I was smiling and projecting confidence as I waved.

Is that pursuit? is that good or bad? I've seen no changes otherwise and all of the images i post online she 'likes' unless they have a photo of me in them. then it is obvious she avoids 'liking' those.

tired. afraid. can't really think. missing everything. i can't stand this.