Ic tomorrow, and my upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist has me hopeful that we can figure my head out. Tough day emotionally. Never felt so alone in my life. Tough to get through the day.
Medication is the only thing I haven't tried yet, so here's hoping that the appointment on the 28th will be the start of some serious improvements. I just can't get my mind off of this.
Hi Ralphy, sorry things are tough right now. Best to have a chat about meds & see what your Dr thinks. Many people on the forum have found them helpful to get through the toughest part.
Things are still pretty raw for you - but you only have to read posters who have been around for a bit longer than you to know that things will improve. Truly they will, so hang on in there my friend. xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots! Hard to believe that just a couple weeks ago, I was actually considering whether we were in piecing or not. Just wishful thinking I guess.
I don't understand why she is so nice to me, invites me to do things, and then at the same time is keeping om around and is so short with me when I text her about things involving D2.
She's definitely confused...I just wish I could handle it better.
I don't understand why she is so nice to me, invites me to do things, and then at the same time is keeping om around and is so short with me when I text her about things involving D2.
IMO, I thing the WAS does this because it helps them feel less guilty about the hurt they are causing.
While I'd say based on your posts it seems she is at least questioning what she wants, you or OM, for now she wants to have both. As long as she knows you are still around waiting for her then she doesn't have to reflect and truly make a decision.
I know it's hard, and only time and detachment can help here, but do you think you can try going truly dark for a change? Interact with W as needed about your D2, but otherwise show her you're moving on with your own life.
I think WW needs to feel what it's going to be like losing you 100% if she chooses to keep OM in her life. Also, this will eventually make everything much easier on you in dealing with these emotions.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
W sent me a message this morning and she started with a nice intro. I know it sounds so trivial, but it makes such a huge difference when communicating to use niceties at the beginning. It's a big part of the emotional dependence issue with me I know, but it just hurts less when things don't seem so antiseptic. W is truly a good person, and I fell in love with her because of how good natured she is. I just wish I had appreciated it more, and not been so dependent on hearing it.
I'm on antibiotics now for my chest/head cold. Hope they work quickly as I'm in final tech/dress week for my show which opens this weekend. I think in a lot of ways once this show is over, my stress level will drop to normal levels and I'll be able to cope better. Just nervous about so many things right now.
Feels lonely on here without Matt. Goodnight everyone. Nothing really to update. My show opens in a few days. Rehearsal didn't go well tonight. First night with full orchestra, so it's tough to get used to the change in music sound. Was nice to be upset about something new tonight.
I've strangely had the song "Somewhere Out There" stuck in my head all day. (Except for at rehearsal of course.) I know it's a love song, but it seems so appropriate for us..."and even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishin' on the same bright star..."
To all of you fighting your own battle, keep fighting...
it's amazing how someone can be so cruel. I know everyone here excuses it by blaming it on Affair Fog, but let's call it what it is. It's cruelty. She knows exactly what she's doing, and she's willfully and intentionally doing it. This is why I'm ready to file.
WRONG. Unless your spouse is a serial cheater she ended up in an affair after a long time (probably years, maybe months) of feeling like she didn't matter to you. When she asked you to do things and you didn't do it, it told her that it didn't matter to you what was important to her. After having an A myself, I can tell you that the 'affair fog' is very real. I wanted my M to work but for years my H did nothing to improve our M or to help me. I was so lonely and I did not want a divorce and the A 'just happened'. I know if you haven't had one you can't believe that is true but it is. It was someone I had known for years and was friendly with and suddenly I was attracted to him. I went home and told my H that I needed to know how he felt about me and he said "I don't feel like talking about it" and left. The next time I saw OM I initiated the A because I was tired of being lonely. At no point did I want my M to end. People say "if you are going to have an affair just leave" but many people don't want their M to end, they just need to feel loved again. After years of feeling lonely and unloved you are completely wrong if you think it is going to be easy for her to just give that up when she knows what it has been like for her to be in a M with someone who has ignored what she needs the most. She isn't trying to be cruel, she is trying to figure out if she can trust the new you enough to give up her 'chance at happiness'.
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Perhaps the EA/PA is the deal breaker, and if that's the case we'll all have your back on this decision. Having said that, I'm all for letting the dust settle before making a final decision, especially if you have other things going on for the next few weeks.
Maybe it is a deal breaker for you, only you know that. However, as the one who had the A, it always ticks me off that people think having an A is worse than years of treating someone indifferently, not being your best you with your spouse, failing to try, whatever it is she went through that made her think having an A was a good choice. I am not defending her decision to have an A, I wish I could do it over and make a different choice, but the person who made that decision was a lonely, empty shell of the person I really am. We go into M thinking the other person will meet all of our needs. This is completely unrealistic but we don't realize it and when we feel ignored and uncared for we make stupid, hurtful choices. I was unable to even think about what it did to my H at the time, I could only feel how happy I was to be happy again.
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W and I had a slightly deep R talk today. Of course, most of it centered on everything I do wrong, with no acceptance of responsibility on her part for the A. Sigh.
My H and I went through the same thing. I would explain to him everything he did wrong and he felt I was blaming him for my A. I realize now that it would sound that way to someone but at the time I really just wanted him to understand WHY I did what I did. She is responsible for the choice to act on her attraction, you are responsible for doing whatever you did for so long that she thought you didn't care. (sorry, I read your last thread but not your first..I have limited time!)
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I don't understand why she is so nice to me, invites me to do things, and then at the same time is keeping om around and is so short with me when I text her about things involving D2.
She's definitely confused...I just wish I could handle it better.
See, you do know, she is very confused. She may very well want the M but be afraid to trust your changes are real. I know I was. I was infuriated that my H was suddenly doing things I had asked him to do for years now that I was finally happy again. I thought "how dare he"!
Another thing...when we were trying to reconcile, it ticked me off that everything focused on the fact that I had an A and not on all of the years leading up to it. The A is not the problem here..remember that
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Think about you today. Lovethehub's post may be hard to read but it's pretty spot on. I'd read that several times if I were you and absorb it. Word for word.
Today is your Anniversary. Is that correct? This will be a real test of your detachment. I made it through yesterday with NC. It was hard but I made it.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Great post by lovethehub, so good I copied it to my thread to reread later. Without hijacking this thread I would be interested in lovethehubs thoughts etc on what she thinks would help lbs to break through the emotional walls due to built up resentment after years of unmet needs? What comes across as sincere/real?
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with the above conversation. An A doesn't "just happen" by "accident". In all the years I have been active in relationships, I have not always felt my needs were met. Also while those needs weren't being met I had plenty of opportunity to cake eat. I was a very popular person with a lot going right for me. Had jobs which almost promoted girls to want me. (No I wasn't in a rock band haha) Not once did I cave and let it happen. Even now as I am I a relationship in which the other party show little to no interest in me, moved out and is trying to put me to the curb, I still remain faithful.
I don't mean to be the one to kick the bucket but I personally look at an A as a lack of respect and/or lack of self control.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
