I'll try and sum this up so it’s not too long of a historical story, but my WW and I started having serious problems back at the end of March 2015. She BD the unhappiness in our almost 6 year marriage (8 years together) when we were on vacation in Punta Cana. We have 2 children ages 4 and 1 which makes this even more difficult. We both have demanding careers, hers as an ER medical physician and mine as a network engineer. We've had our issues prior to 3 months ago, but I never knew they were as bad as they are today. She was always a closed off person and never really wore her emotions on her sleeve. As she grew into career she became "Stronger" and realized that the issues we had were nothing she should have to deal with, therefore the BD. Of course all she wanted was space and time to think about things, but me being impatient kept asking and pushing for answers on what to do and why? We both agreed to go to couples counseling about 2 weeks after things melted down. Our counselor decided to have us do "individual therapy" sessions to figure out what our own issues were, then come back together to work on things. I of course tried to keep my head straight, but went crazy. I was angry, depressed, terrified, worried, and jealous of her emotions and desires. As a result, I kept pushing, arguing and fighting instead of "leaving her alone". This just made things even worse. She continuously said "I want to be happy, I just don't know if we can be happy together. I want to do what’s best for the children". I of course would continue to hound, beg and plead. My anxiety was taking control of the situation.
Fast forward to about 3-4 weeks ago, I started to want answers and when she had enough of the fighting, she tried to leave the house. I tried to "block" her exit, never laying a finger on her. This in turn scared her and the following day she took her wedding rings off. We had a counseling session after that and we agreed on a "truce" and to focus on the kids/family until the next session (since our Therapist would be out of town) 2 weeks later. During these two weeks I was cordial, polite and focused on my children. Of course she was very "hostile" and "cold" to me and finally imploded this past Friday. I told her "fine, if you want a divorce, I'll give you one".
As it stands now she wants to "separate" since this is the only chance left she feels to save our relationship and to see what life is like without each other. I have been very against the idea, because it feels like practicing for divorce. So this past Tuesday we sat down and talked about logistics, money, etc. I know she's been in contact with her ATTY about my actions this past weekend. I've been in touch with mine as well. We had a therapy session yesterday and talked about the separation and the "rules".
Started my first DB coaching session with Jody yesterday before our counseling, she was very influential about starting my 180. Therapy was tough though, it was still "charged" none the less. After therapy, per counselor’s instruction, we went to sit down and right down all of our "separation agreements". As Jody told me, I embraced the situation and used this opportunity to give her what she needs right now; time off. I ordered DR on Amazon yesterday, so it should be here for me to read tonight. I really want to give this a honest shot, but I have no idea about her.
I'm real nervous about all of this, I'm pretty confident that her mind is set for the big D. At the same time, I'm looking forward to my time for myself to GAL. I don't know what our future holds and that’s the worst part about all of this. It’s the hardest thing to detach and not think of her. Our SL went to hell after the trip to Punta Cana and I really miss the affection and love.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here, but there is a lot of good help and support.
You are early into this, so a bit of crazy is expected. Still, scaring your wife by blocking her exit is a warning flag that you want to deal w/ in your IC. Separation rules are important, but your behavior last weekend is critical to address w/ your IC.
You start by calling your W a WW, but then I didn't see any specifics of an affair. WW here meains wayward wife, as in has left you for another person. Do you have suspicions or has W disclosed anything.
Glad you are doing the coaching. Jody is great (I've had two sessions with her) & she will be a great help if you let her. I'm already seeing improvements in myself and my R, even if we haven't progressed to anything significant, and those are in big part a consequence of the coaching as well as work here on the forums.
It is very hard, but you need to work on detaching hard. Your emotions are driving you, and that is going to not do you or your M any good right now. So study that thread on detaching that Cadet posted.
Your W is asking for an S, not a D at this point. You can't avoid the S without risking driving her to a D, so one 180 is to embrace the S. Treat it as a positive opportunity for you both. Figure out what will make it as productive and happy (I know it doesn't seem like it can ever be, but trust me, you are about to get some time to do some things that focus just on you and that is a real opportunity for most of us in Ms). Again the rules are important, but I'd let her drive setting the agenda there. You may want some non-negotiables, but you really have 0 leverage. She is going to pursue the S with or without your agreement on the ground rules.
So, while I'm not saying don't think about what rules you'd like to ask for, focus most of your attention on what you want to do during this time. What things have you wanted to do, but haven't had time or the freedom to do? Is there anything that you've been neglecting in your life (exercise, hobby, old friends)? You've been given a chance to chase those. This is the GAL part and it will make you more attractive to your W, which I know Jody will have been stressing to you.
Also, what are your list of things that you are going to work on about yourself? What have you done that has contributed to your M problems? What things don't you like about yourself that you want to change? What haven't you been doing that would make you happy (and no, having your W come back is not the answer to this question)
Make lemonade out of the lemon. The more you focus on this stuff the quicker you will get to a good place for yourself and saving your M.
Good luck & keep posting!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Here are a few things I wish I had known right at the start of all of this -
- don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Just because she says "I want a divorce" doesn't mean that's what will happen. That's an emotionally charged statement that could change over time. It's not like you'd have believed her if she said it the day you got married, right?
- whatever your thoughts are on how long this will take, double it. Then double it again. Now you're probably in the ballpark but still low. Your marriage didn't fall apart in a day; it won't be fixed in a day.
- there are going to be ups and downs. This is not s linear forward path. Your feelings about you, her, and your relationship are going to be all over the place for some time. That's natural. And ok. What's NOT ok is reacting to them toward your Wife or your relationship with her - no good can come of it.
- you may never have this opportunity for self-reflection and self-improvement again. Really embrace it and use it. Wisely.
- you are strong enough to do this. It's not easy and it's not painless. But you can do it.
Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. After my "AH-HA" moment with Jody and after therapy, I've started to put myself first as far as what I want to do. There's no doubt in my mind this will be tough and terrifying.
My emotions took over the best of me and destroyed any chance we had 3 months ago. I'm sure, just like everyone else here, if I could go back in time, I would have slapped my own self.
After yesterday, I started to "detach", I've toned down the social media "ties" with her (Not unfriend, but un-followed), removed her as a "favorite" on my cell contacts (this way she isn't the first person to pop up), and have no reason to send a text message. The only interaction will need to be about the kids.
During this separation, I've asked myself "Should I put my ring back on?" one side of me says "Yes, this will show her you DO care and want to be better". The other side of me says "No, its not about the relationship right now".
Thanks everyone for the kind words and support. After my "AH-HA" moment with Jody and after therapy, I've started to put myself first as far as what I want to do. There's no doubt in my mind this will be tough and terrifying.
My emotions took over the best of me and destroyed any chance we had 3 months ago. I'm sure, just like everyone else here, if I could go back in time, I would have slapped my own self.
Stop saying you destroyed any chance you had. You can't possibly know that. There are surely many marriages that have gone on to be successful that had far worse damage than yours. Take the focus off your marriage and your relationship and put it on you.
Originally Posted By: RobS99
After yesterday, I started to "detach", I've toned down the social media "ties" with her (Not unfriend, but un-followed), removed her as a "favorite" on my cell contacts (this way she isn't the first person to pop up), and have no reason to send a text message. The only interaction will need to be about the kids.
Keep reading the homework. Detaching is about aeparating your emotional wellbeing from your wifes actions, thoughts, and wishes. It isn't about cutting her out of your life.
Originally Posted By: RobS99
During this separation, I've asked myself "Should I put my ring back on?" one side of me says "Yes, this will show her you DO care and want to be better". The other side of me says "No, its not about the relationship right now".
Don't decide this based on what she will think. Decide this based on your belief. Some people go both ways on here. Me, I have mine on, because I believe in our vows and our marriage. Others take their ring off. But choose for you - not to get a reaction from her.
Matt, your responses on this thread show how far you have come since your BD. I echo everything you have said...especially about the timeline and not believing anything they say.
things will probably get worse before they get better. Every time something happens I think "this has to be rock bottom" unfortunately, I have been wrong on several occasions...
Last edited by Kembo05; 06/26/1505:42 PM.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
"I want to be happy, I just don't know if we can be happy together. I want to do what’s best for the children".
What did W say were the reasons she doesn't know if you can be happy together?
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
