I had brunch yesterday with my friend who has been going through his own divorce with the same timeline and event occurrences as me. And again, we're in about the same place as each other: he's got his life essentially together and is enjoying spending romantic time with a woman without necessarily expecting this person to be his life partner. It's reassuring somehow to know that he's been doing all right too.
One curious element of our conversation that I didn't ask about (because ultimately I don't really want to know) was when he mentioned my STBX. This fellow became our friend before the whole A/D drama occurred, so he knows STBX as a friend. And in this conversation yesterday, he and I began talking about the importance of being independently self-assured and certain of one's own needs and interests-- that understanding oneself is what makes it possible to truly have a life partner who fits you. And he said that STBX is absolutely not doing that: "I tried to be friends with [STBX] and [OM]," he told me, "but she's just too absorbed in being 'the two of us' with him; she's taken a swan dive right into it." He shook his head, and proceeded to bring the conversation back to our own situations, and I decided not to press him further.
Thank you. If it weren't for this forum I wouldn't have known how destructive it is to follow that urge to learn.
The new full-time job is crowding out other projects, including my studies (Psychology), but this is okay for now while I find my feet in this position-- it's good to be occupied and it's even better to be paid a full-time salary for it. On evenings this week, Monday was acting class; Tuesday-Wednesday are rehearsals; Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are second/twelfth/fifth dates with three delightful ladies.
So life moves on, and I'm totally dark with STBX. Zero contact, none of her stuff left behind, no nothin'. I understand why she left, I recognize my own culpability, I accept the mistakes that were made.
Which is why it bothers me that anything still bothers me. I feel as though I should be able to just put everything behind me and move on. But at the same time, I realize that I've just been through the worst emotional trauma of my life, and it's only been a month or so since there was any kind of "closure"... so supposedly I can't avoid feeling badly sometimes.
...but that stinks!
I have one more visit with the counselor scheduled (and might be the last one while I'm still on my STBX's insurance). I'll see if I can't figure out with her whether I'm leaving some stone dangerously unturned or whether the ill feelings that pop into my life are just lingering unanswerable frustrations.
The reason I suspect the latter is that the bad feelings I'm experiencing now tend to resemble the feelings I always have had, throughout my life, whenever I've been single. I have never, ever enjoyed life as a single person.
Hm... actually, that's really the point, isn't it. For the first time in my life, I should look for a way to overcome those bad feelings that does not depend on having a romantic partner.
...and today I learn just how much of my current state of mind is due to zero contact. I received an e-mail from my STBX telling me that she received a piece of mail alerting her to the condo insurance policy's expiration. And I flashed with rage, and I wasn't sure exactly why, immediately; but I think it's because her receiving the piece of mail-- when the online account still shows my address as the mailing address for the mortgage and for the insurance policy-- implies that she submitted a change-of-address at the post office.
I felt the same kind of outrage when she removed the "married" status from her Facebook profile. How dare she?
But I'm breathing, and calming, and doing my best to leave it be... and again being grateful that there are no children, meaning that zero contact is actually an option. The only tie we still have, now, is that she's still on the mortgage papers (although she's signed away her stake in the property as part of the marital settlement). For as long as that's true, there's still a chance that we'll have to communicate. We aren't yet legally divorced, but at this point, because we're doing no-contest, I (as the petitioner) don't have to see her again for any of that.
So there's my answer from earlier. It's not that I should be puzzled that I'm not over it already, because I'm definitely not. I should instead be grateful that I have the luxury of not being affected and reminded of this situation on an everyday basis.
Yeah...no contact with your ex does wonders for the PMA. I get it. I am glad you are doing really well in forging a path in your new life. Keep it up!
Let me tell you a secret: I was not totally immune either in the early stages. When Ms. Wonka sent me an email or text, I'd go into a tailspin that takes me days to recover. Now? Absolutely nothing....no reaction.
Just checking in. I've been reading others' stories in this forum in the meantime-- sympathizing with others' sad experiences and being at least relieved that I seem to be through the worst of it. The date I mentioned before, being teenager-like on the beach, has developed into "something more", and that's been a pleasure as well as a relief.
I'm feeling a little too chipper, though. I just today heard from a friend who moved to another state some while ago; she was just saying hello. This friend is someone who went to elementary school with my STBX. I asked how she's been, and she told me about two deaths she'd just had to deal with, plus a terrible accident that hospitalized her for a while. She asked how I've been, and I wrote back that "the biggest change is that [STBX] wouldn't give up her affair, so I divorced her." Of course, I can hear my tone of voice when I write that, so I know it's almost a joking statement, but I imagine for her it would've been quite startling, if not incredibly awkward, to hear such news broken so glibly. I wrote her an apology for being so ill-mannered, but I haven't heard back from her yet. Sigh. And I was having such a good day.
A big part of what's got me so chipper, though, is that in relating to my... well, I guess I would say my "new girlfriend" (I believe she'd agree to that appellation)... I'm quickly realizing just how much $*&% I tolerated from my STBX. I was committed to my STBX, which meant that I was absolutely committed to dealing with her flaws and issues, and I'm just starting to understand how that turned around on me without my realizing it. That is, in dealing with her neuroses and issues, I'd lost sight of my own understanding of normalcy, but I never stopped behaving in ways that I felt were normal-- and I was upbraided and berated (and ultimately abandoned) for it. It's not unreasonable of me to not want to spend every waking moment in communication with my partner. It's not unreasonable of me to expect my partner to enjoy being touched. Which means that I'm experiencing tremendous relief when, in relating to my now-girlfriend, she is responding to what I believe to be normal behavior as though it were, in fact, normal behavior, instead of withdrawing, scolding, complaining, attacking, or shutting down. I mean, I recognize that she and I are still in the honeymoon phase, where we are supremely accommodating of each other's potential flaws and undesirable aspects, but this isn't just her overlooking certain of my behaviors that STBX decried. This is her encouraging and inviting them. And that's marvelous.
This is the irritating part of having an anxiety disorder. This morning I feel anxious, but I don't know why. Am I feeling badly about my marital situation? Am I missing my STBX? Am I worried about the uncertainties in my professional life? Am I fretting over the gaffe I made last night?
...or am I just feeling anxious for no reason whatsoever, because that's what my body does sometimes?
The only thing left for me is battling my ego. I don't want STBX back. I know what happened and my role in it. And, newly, I understand that I was enduring quite a lot of awfulness as part of my commitment to her, even before the affair crisis. In fact, yesterday, one of my friends I hadn't seen since the A began, who had known the both of us, said "when I met [STBX], my first thought was 'why is he with her? He could do better.'"
It seemed to me that what I "want" is for STBX to know and believe that she made an awful mistake, to accept that her behavior is inexcusable and immoral, and to see her poor choices collapse around her in failure, frustration, and despair. "Serves her right."
But what made me realize that this is just a matter of my own ego and pride is a computer glitch. Clearly, because I don't want her back, absolutely nothing that happens in her life will have any effect on me whatsoever. I had deleted her calendar from my computer months ago, but somehow, the link is buried somewhere in the software. That calendar is not currently on any of the menus or option screens, but twice now my computer has, when resyncing my calendar, shown me what STBX has been up to for the last month or so. This last time, it showed me some of the things she and OM did together, which didn't bother me; but it also showed me that STBX is now seeing the counselor regularly. And my thought, in seeing that, wasn't "thank goodness she's getting the help she's needed for years, and that she sees the value in getting that help." No; instead, I felt awful about how unfair it was that she's finally motivated to get this help for OM's sake. Oh, yes, she's willing to get counseling and improve her behavior so that she can love him better, but she wouldn't make that effort to help repair our relationship. And worse, this counseling may even prevent their relationship from imploding horribly like affairs are supposed to do.
But all this does is make me feel awful.
And it's obvious that the only reason I'm thinking this way is because my ego is wounded. If I were still in love with her, I'd feel badly that she's going out and doing those fun things with him-- which I don't. Or I'd feel badly knowing that she's spending intimate nights with him-- which I'm not. All I'm doing is inventing reasons to feel awful because of how she treated me.
Which means, in turn, that the only way I can (or should) get over it is by actually wishing her well. That's the conflict-- because wishing her well is the only real way to sidestep my anguish, but doing so means that I give her a free pass for what she did. It's a frustrating dilemma, because it won't work unless I'm sincere, and if I'm sincere, then I'm accepting that she got away with it, which seems like admitting defeat and failure. Even though it's neither my remit nor my charge to assess whether she "gets away with it". Sigh.
She looked so lost when last we met. Her eyes were soft and free of guile, Of hate, of cruelty, fear-- from all That I had grown accustomed to During those awful final days, The gleeful sadist who punished me For asking, please, tonight, stay.
We met because of business to conclude. A signature she had to give the court, Confirming our agreement yet again. This was the second time I'd had to get Some forms into her hands; but formerly, I mailed the sheaf and held my breath because If she'd delayed, refused, or failed, the whole Fragile process would've shuddered to a halt And something ugly would've taken its place. I wasn't going to suffer that this time. I wrote her, almost called her, asking but Ten seconds of her evening. She agreed.
Our meeting was at the grocery store-- exactly Where I'd waited for her months before To pick her up for couples therapy (During which she texted him "I love you"). She signed without complaint or challenge. After which she stepped back, silently, And looked with quiet hope and a sad smile. And there I saw standing a foolish child. She truly believed these divorce papers Were me trying to extend an olive branch. Completely unaware of the pain she'd caused, Of having destroyed trust, love, and friendship Utterly.
I beat down an urge to hug her. I rushed Away to the closing elevator doors. It's not my role to comfort... or condemn. I'm sure she made the wrong choice; yet, if so, Another year will show her what she lost. I cannot.
