I was going to summarize the history of the sitch, but this new thread is about looking forward, not back. So instead I'll summarize where I am now.
STBX is completely out of my life: no kids, no contact, no commingled property, no legal battles. Totally done.
I have a new full-time job. It's with a startup, and they aren't sure they'll be able to afford me beyond the summer, but if this isn't a future home it should be a launching pad for something else (provided I don't slack).
I am still teaching acting classes, which is great fun.
I joined a D&D campaign group for the first time since 1980.
I'm starting a new theater project. I'm in two different theater shows. I'm recording more audiobooks (in my home studio).
And I just got notification of when one of my manuscripts is going to be published, and a second one should be reviewed soon.
And I still have three manuscripts that need to be written, and another that needs to be planned..
...and I really could go on. I'm keeping myself really really busy (and not getting too much sleep).
The only down side, socially, is that most of what I'm doing doesn't lead to meeting anyone older than 28.
The only down side, professionally, is that because my job is actually challenging, it produces stress and anxiety-- and normally this would be desirable to motivate me, but the anxiety has been attaching itself to stray thoughts of my STBX and blowing them out of proportion.
But for the most part I have a lot to look forward to.
I joined a D&D campaign group for the first time since 1980.
Good for you...fun, social & creative all in one. What edition?
Originally Posted By: newpand
The only down side, professionally, is that because my job is actually challenging, it produces stress and anxiety-- and normally this would be desirable to motivate me, but the anxiety has been attaching itself to stray thoughts of my STBX and blowing them out of proportion.
Sounds like a good 'next thing' you can work on, freeing up your mind and spirit. Is this anxiety or anger or something else???
I believe it's the latest version of D&D. it seems to have come a long way since then...!
The deal with the anxiety is that sometimes, when something makes me feel anxious, the feeling will detach from the cause and re-attach itself to something else, so that I feel the "something else" is causing the anxiety. This is a great bonus for acting on stage, but not so hot in real life. In this case it means that I end up feeling worse about my sitch than I actually do.
I recently read that happiness, like love, is a decision. But I have never really allowed myself to be truly happy at those times when I was single. Maybe that's something to think about.
The latest edition D&D is really fun. I enjoy it quite a bit. Hope your group is fun and not just down to business...the socialization is half the enjoyment.
The happiness front, yes it is Definitely something to think about. We have buried ourselves so long in obligation and doing for others or doing whatever that we just don't do enough for ourselves to get out there and have a good time. I hope you spend just a little bit of focus and put yourself out there to start to enjoy your life... I know the anxiety will Start to erode away for you.
So I went out on a date last night. And it's interesting that it throws me back to feeling like a teenager... walking along the beach at sunset, throwing rocks, talking about nothing in particular for as many hours as you can stand, and then being astonished by a good-night kiss.
There is the question of how soon is too soon-- well, I have to agree that it's too soon to find a new life partner, and it is probably too soon to fall in love. But going out on dates helps me to understand that this is my situation now. I'm not mooning or pining for a dead love. I'm on my own. And I know what kind of a person I am; I'm the kind of person who enjoys having intimate talks with delightful women, whether or not there's anything "more" to the relationship. Going out on a date helps remind me that, when I think of that emotional/intellectual experience that is so important to me, I can look forward in hope, and not back in anguish.
Okay... I know I'm resilient, and I know I have strong self-esteem, and I know I'm highly skilled at managing my emotions, but isn't this a little soon to be feeling okay about things in general? I mean, great, but what the--?
I am sure that this thread (and the previous one) had something to do with it. I was told (and realized, and accepted) that my poor feelings were coming from my unwary insistence that my marriage was NOT over, and that there was still something I needed or wanted from my STBX-- remorse, regret, apologies, who knows what. But Claire and Toots helped me see that it really is done and dead. And it's better just to enjoy what I have in my life right now.
Which means that I finally gave myself some time to grieve. I had thought I had grieved before, but I hadn't really; I'd experienced the pain of the loss, and I'd told myself that it was over, but I hadn't really felt the sadness of grief. And I think I recognized it when it hit me. It was the first time that I felt bittersweet memory of what had been, rather than a grinding fury of what couldn't be. My thoughts filtered themselves through a wistful lens of calm sadness rather than a gut-twisting wrench of anxiety and pain. It was the first time I experienced strong feelings about the end of the R and was still able to function perfectly well (if not being particularly good company). I just spent that time marinating in the mournful understanding that these were happy memories, but now are gone gone gone.
And now I have a job (full time, if temporary), and I have a car, and shows to perform in, and friends to hang out with, and even the occasional romantic date. If anything, I need to slow down and do less. I'm missing a life partner, but I seem to have a life.
I know I'm not done with STBX yet. There will be times, and places, and pictures that remind me of her, and each time I will feel a pang of disappointment. And I will miss her.
So tonight I decided to go out and enjoy a walk in the evening rain...
...and ended up the sole witness to a serious car crash.
The poor girl. She was, miraculously for having literally crashed head-on into a brick wall, entirely unharmed. But the car was totalled. And if she is to be believed-- she was quite hysterical-- she just turned 21, and her grandmother was planning to gift her the car once she got her driver's license. But in her excitement, even without a license, she decided to "borrow" the car and take it out anyway.
Kerpow.
This kind of thing tends to remind me that it's rather a luxury that the only thing I really have to worry about in my life is the hurt from my STBX's betrayal. Worse things have happened to better people, and for less reason.
So the new status quo asserts itself. I've just been offered a permanent position where I'm now working whose salary will handily cover my mortgage. So
- work: ding. - housing and food: ding. - personal hobbies/diversions: ding. - friends and activities: ding. - companionship: bzzt.
My recent date went well, and we expect to see each other again, and I am enjoying the get-to-know-you process, but obviously this kind of romancing is a pale shadow of what was or might be... and walking through a dark, empty apartment either before bed or upon awakenening still reminds me, not of STBX specifically, but of the role she played in my life and the hole she left in it.
It seems that your live is slowly changing for the better. Yeah, the dating world after D is quite choppy and you'll learn to navigate through the rough waters. Trust me, it does get better with the passage of time and space.
I am in a very good place with a hot new girl. I am happy and contented. Who knew 10 years ago that I'd be in this place? Honestly thought I'd never fall in love again or find deep love again. Ah well...I was wrong!
That's encouraging to hear, Wonka. Thanks for posting. It helps partly because I realize that (because I am allowing myself to date right now) part of the caution of being "on the rebound" is thinking that anything is better than nothing. Which it isn't.
I had another relevant dream last night. I've had plenty of wish-fulfillment dreams in the past, but my dreams these days are clearly not interested in lying to me.
In this dream, I encountered STBX and OM walking down the street somewhere. I approached OM and screamed at him all the things that I wanted to say, and cowed him to the ground. And the result of this was to make STBX take his side, scorn me for my petulance and immaturity, and walk away disdainfully.
