Hi Spitfire. I'm hoping it is ok with you that I jump in here with some responsesto this last post. So much to respond to.
The whole issue of abuse in childhood has been a big factor in my R. My partner was physically and emotionally abused throughout childhood. His family life was so dysfunctional that he left home at 15 and enlisted to go to Viet Nam at 17.
I was brought up in a home that was in constant chaos due to my father's alcoholism and emotional abuse, compounded by constant poverty. I was sexualy abused over a period of time by a young friend of the family from approximatly 5 to 7 years old. This family friend would tell me that he was waiting for me to grow up so he could marry me. The sexual abuse occurred in the context of my family and his saying "wasn't it cute that we were "engaged"?. Bizarre, huh?
I also left home very young, shortly after being raped, and then married the first guy that seemed somewhat stable. Over the years, alcoholism became apparent and with that, physical and emotional abuse (I may as well have gone to Viet Nam too).
For years, I was able to feel very safe with my H, and that allowed me to enjoy physical intimacy (very much, in fact) but it was in a very focused way. I felt safe because H obviously loved me, wasn't critical of me, and didn't appear to be someone who would betray and abandon me.
About two years ago, I found evidence of a betrayal (not an A, but an overly intimate email relationship H had with an old high school (female) friend. My reaction was extreme. I began to put together a "pattern" of H's statements and actions that I was convinced meant that H was going to betray and abandon me. I no longer felt safe. I began to shut down physically and emotionally. I began to try to prepare myself for the pain I "knew" was coming.
Sex was no longer something I enjoyed and wouldn't initiate. I don't know if it is the same with your wife, but for me, the switch is either ON or OFF when it comes to being sexual.
In the end, he did betray me. He had a brief A and I did kick him out of the house.
Something stopped us short of going to the next "inevitable" step. The trauma snapped me out of the emotionally shut down state I had been in. H saw by my reactions, and the way I begged him to come back, that I actually did care very much. He didn't go on to do the "cut and run", but we have stayed separated while going to counseling individually and together.
I first started to learn about how I had been affected by childhood wounds through ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). I also have the ability to be fairly self-aware, so I have been working on healing all along. Everytime I think I've dealt with something, something new comes up that I have to work on, so it's a continual process.
My H is just now starting to do this kind of work, and is finding out a lot about himself. As he's having to really look back on his early years, and how they affected him, I can see how painful it is for him to do. Each area that is covered and put into perspective brings a new sense of relief and hope, though.
Recently, my C gave me a couple of books to read. Both are about how children are affected by trauma at each stage of development and how that effect thier relationships in as adults. One of the books (The Struggle For Intamacy) is written specifically for ACOA's, but would also be helpful to anyone who lived through sustained trauma in childhood. The other books (Getting the Love You Want/Keeping the Love You Find)--I thought they would be hokey, but they have been very helpful, especially the second one.
Anyway, I hope that hijacking your thread to tell you some of my story will be somehow helpful in your sitch with your wife.
Thanks Paul and Talista for visiting and always good to see you J! All input is very welcome. I always thought it was amazing that my W never blamed or talked about her youth (used it as an excuse so to speak) now I'm thinking that wasn't a good thing as she's never dealt with it. I don't know what the issues are, but I know there is the possibilty of sexual abuse (she says not) but her sister claims she was abused by their mothers boyfriend so who knows? There were some other very traumatic experiences that would unsettle any one. I'm apparently the cause of all this though, to which I've taken ownership of the things I've done but hope there's more to it than me. We do communicate better than we ever have and that is a real positive I think. Just this morning P, I said to her I think she would be happy with this "plutonic" relationship for ever and after reading your post I'm sure she will. She seems to think that all she needs is time to deal with things but I think she is just avoiding the issues as she always has. I've always realized it's up to her and her alone to "help" herself and it's my decision whether I stay or go ,I do need/want more from a relationship than this but I owe it to her, the children, myself to try everthing possible (earn my way out) to make this M work. It is just so incredibly frustrating to see these people struggle through life and miss all the great things it has to offer. J cooler weather on the horizon so igloo a/c turned down. C.
We continue to make progress with the communication issue W is really trying. I continue to get more and more out of her regarding her anger towards me, the latest is shes angry with me for not moving to England years ago (I said I would if things didn't work out here job wise ,and I thought they were) but she apparently had other ideas. In hind sight I should have moved back before the kids were born as I'm sure we would have ended up back here any way it's a much better enviroment for the kids here and I'm sure were a lot better off financialy (she knows this deep down). It saddens me though to see the pain she's going through, but I guess it's a part of the process. No snow yet J but any time now LOL! C.
Hey, C....don't let the past get you down. Especially since it seems you made the right decision about moving anyway!
It sure seems like the MLC alien will never leave....but Michele and others say it will happen. Check out Snodderly's thread on MLC forum (the one about MLC). It may give you a boost.
Hey J where you hanging these days? W does seem be ever so slowly moving out of her MLC tunnel (but boy is it a slow process). We continue to improve our communicate skills and I find this very rewarding as I always felt in the past many issues were unresolved or ignored (I also realize now that not all issues are resolvable but at least were communicating without the anger) I also know I will eventually need more from her but am prepared to give it every chance to work. I do give her a little nudge now and again so she knows I'm serious!C.
Quote: I also realize now that not all issues are resolvable but at least were communicating without the anger
Good stuff there, C! And you can use that wherever you go. I think I am better at that, too....at least with people at work. Don't get much chance to try it out on W these days....
Keep on nudging, C. (You got your igloo insulated yet?)
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