Basic information: Me: 36 years old, husband 41 years old Married 15 years this summer. Children: Three (daughter 14, daughter 11, son 5) My husband and I met and got married within 6 months of meeting. We thought we had a fairy tale.
Obstacles: In 2007 I got very depressed and in early 2008(right before my 29th b-day)I had a very short lived emotional affair. I put my husband through a very rough time, but we survived. I have been extremely thankful since then. I though if we could work through that then we could work through anything.
Situation: My husband and I are both teachers. The job is rough during the school year and sometimes it feels as though our family gets put aside until breaks. My husband has only taught for nor his third school year. The first two years I feel we balanced it well. It was hectic, extremely hard (as he had purposely changed professions), but we balanced it all and survived. The start of the 2014/2015 school year brought me trying to finish graduate school, my husband was given a brand new engineering class to teach (he had to build the curriculum), our daughter's had a lot of school functions/homework, etc. and I had switched to a new school. I noticed that my husband was spending all of the time in our room grading, which is not entirely unusual-but in the past it seemed as though he balanced it better. My daughters and I would help him grade so that we could spend time with him on Sundays. He was so connected to his students that I had to ask him to set a time limit that he would have to not respond (because he was responding to students during dinner, family time, dates, etc.) By the middle of October I was making excuses to our daughters as to why daddy wasn't spending time with them (he has 90 kids, I have 14, he teaches AP and I only teach special education). The kids were longing for him, I was longing for him. I tried talking with him, but they ended up with a frustrated "agreement" between us. Still things did not seem to change. My husband was giving his students the best and I complained that we were getting the leftovers, and it probably came across as nagging. By December I really noticed a difference but chalked it up to him being tired and a little burnt out. Our 15 year date anniversary was in December. I had asked him if he would write me a love note so that when I was having a bad day, I could look at it. This was prompted because I proof-read his college recommendation letters about his students and they were beautiful. When the anniversary came and went, he did not write the letter. This left me with hurt feelings. In fact I had also asked if he would get up 10 minutes early so that I could sit and have coffee with him before I left for work. He did not. Apparently my reaction was strike one.
January: Things seemed fine. We were in the process of buying a house. We found one we loved and put an offer in on it. Ultimately, we did not get the house because of a delay in our preapproval letter. It was heartbreaking to both of us. We talked about the preapproval letter and I made a comment about the timing and he took it as blame. I did not blame him, but could see how he would see it that way. I apologized immediately, but this was strike two against me.
February: This month seemed ok. He was busy as usual and I was still making excuses about time. We went out for V-day and it seemed great. He was still very affectionate. The day after V-day he changed his FB profile picture from one of us to one of him when he was in a band 20 years ago. I thought it odd, but didn't think it was worth fighting about. It gave me a slight pit in my stomach, but I just let it go. We were still looking for a house, but my husband began talking about opening a recording studio. I agreed that would be a great idea considering that is something he teaches and he is very talented with it. On Feb. 28 he was out with our DD and DS. I contacted our realtor to see a house that we had previously viewed but wasn't for sure if we liked it. It was not in a perfect area, but had been completely remodeled with an in ground pool. After I contacted the real-estate lady I jumped up to get in the shower. The real-estate lady was able to get us in that day and emailed my husband and me about seeing it that day. My husband's reaction to this was insane. He said that I was being sneaky about setting it up (because we both didn't really like it, but we had talked about viewing it again on the Monday prior to me setting it up). He came home in a huff, I was laying in our bed because I had a slight headache. I was completely ok with cancelling the viewing, but my husband was so mad at me. What should not have turned into a fight did. He left the house in a huff after telling me that he was at his "wits end" with me. Come to find out that this was strike 3. It was an ugly fight. I said things, he said things. I asked him if he was wanting to separate from me and he didn't answer. The next day we talked about how the school year was going. I explained that the kids were feeling left out and missed time with him. He told me that he felt that he needs to do things to begin finding himself (like playing music again). I agreed and told him that I loved when he played music. Things seemed to calm down, but there was an unsettled feeling.
March: We were up and down all the way to the 21st. We did stuff as a family, there was a stable but uneasy weird feeling peace. I thought that maybe my bruised feelings were clouding my emotions. We were still looking at houses, but then suddenly on 3-13 my husband said that he wanted to put a hold on house hunting. I cried and asked if that was because he couldn't commit to that with me. We went out of a date on 3-14 and things seemed ok. 3-14 our youngest DD made a comment about how daddy wasn't talking to me and she said the house felt weird. I relayed that to my husband. He actually participated in family time on 3-14. When we went to bed I asked my husband if he loved me, and he said yes. I asked if he was in love with me and he said yes, but that when he is mad at me that he sometimes thinks he doesn't. On 3-15 we did yard work together and everything seemed fine. We went for a drive a little later and I was rubbing his neck and I noticed that he wasn't responsive. 3-15: uneasy but fine 3-16: uneasy but fine 3-17: our realtor had sent us a house, and I asked him if he was interested. When he got home from work he went straight to bed and slept from 4:30 p.m. through to the next morning. 3-18: I cried and apologized about the house. He said that I did not listen to his one simple request. 3-20: very uneasy. We went to a park and spent time together as a family. I cried in the car and was able to blame it on the pollen. I held his hand and at first he didn't respond, then he responded by squeezing my hand. 3-21: We spent time together as a family. We cooked dinner together, went to the outside mall together. He said he needed sunshine and I said "look, the sun is coming out for you". When we got home he went to our room and laid on his belly. I went in with him to lay beside him. This is when BD happened. He became so mean and said that he couldn't do it anymore. He said he should have left me after my 2008 EA. He said that he hates me so much that he was scared because he never thought that he could hate me. I saw pure evil in him. I did not react well at all. I cried and begged at his feet. I hit my head out of emotional pain/frustration. He called my parents and told them that I was violent. The kids and I left to stay with my mom and dad. At 1:30 a.m. I walked to our house to talk. He was still spewing, telling me that he hates me, that I was extremely controlling. He took our children to Subway and told them about the EA and that he has a big ball of hate towards me. 3-23: I brought the kids home. If he wanted out, then he had to leave (he didn't). He agreed to the marriage counselor. 3-24: He came home and had dinner with us. He agreed to go on a walk with me. 3-25: I snooped and found a way to look at his text online. I saw text that he was sending his mother. She was encouraging him to leave me, that I was too controlling, that he needed his rebirth and that he needed to get a legal separation. Thankfully our state has a 1 year cool-off period for not fault divorce. I left work early and withdrew our house money and opened a separate checking account. The money in there was because I was finishing my graduate degree and was grant money. I withdrew it because I wasn't sure if I would finish and if I didn't the money would have to be given back. He noticed this and I told him that I did it. He was super nice that evening and we talked from 8 p.m. until 2 a.m. He said that I never listened to him (he was blaming me, but at least being nice). He told me I am beautiful, smart, and a good mother. 3-26: Marriage counseling...he said I nagged him about his job because I am not as good of a teacher as what he is and that I am jealous. He told the counselor that he should have left me years ago. He said the last 7 years have been bad. 3-27: Pleasant, we were doing bills as he was going out of state the next day. 3-28: hugged me before he left to spend time with his parents. 3-30: I saw a text that he was going to meet with an attorney. 4-1: Came home. He stopped by the house. He was friendly, wanted to talk. His lying began here. 4-2: took the kids out for the day. Told them how lost he is and that he needs to find himself. He didn't have anywhere to stay, so I offered him the extra room. He said he had a hotel (he didn't) and come to find out he went to a concert with some of his students. He told my daughters about the concert earlier in the day, but told me that he didn't find out about it until 10:30 at night. I saw a weird # on his phone and called it. My husband was hanging with his students and he was there when I called (I blocked my #). He came home about 1:30 a.m. and again we talked, talked, talked. We slept in the same room, and while getting ready the next morning he started complaining about having to pay the health insurance and said I could take financial care of the kids. He was gone all day and then texted to ask us to go get ice cream. He had really cleaned out his car (used to be messy). He came over Easter to hang out, then we had originally agreed to meet every Monday. We meet that Monday and he was pleasant. He came over on my birthday and seemed lost. He got an apartment shortly after and his lying/being secretive has increased. He barely talks to me, does not ask about the kids (he will hang with them, as long as it doesn't interfere with work). He is "recording" music, going out with new "friends".
His mom talked to me on Mother's Day and she was very nasty, his brother told me that I was controlling and to get off my high horse and hung up on me.
He has told people that I took everything from him (everything was split in half). I don't want to know what he told his family, but they are an army against me now.
He tells me that he is as ugly as can be inside, that he [censored] at everything, when he decides about us he will let me know.
I made a huge mistake 7 years ago, but have tried to make up for it. I have always supported him with everything he does.
He lies, acts like I don't exists, and has very up/down moods.
As far as I know, there is no other women (but I am also willfully in the dark with this. I don't want to know.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I get so confused. He has monstered to me, but it seems like he is monstering about me to other people way more.
We didn't have a perfect marriage but had a perfect for us marriage.
My husband had a freak lung cancer scare March 2014, but other than that there's been no significant losses. He is performing excellent at work. He still wants to spend time with the kids (but not so much on a dad level anymore).
He started with saying that I have controlled him the past 7 years, then it went to 15, and now it's back at 7.
He treats me like I am dead. Says he is dating himself.
I read so much and I question myself if he is in crisis, or maybe I am really that horrible. Most days I am 90% sure he is in crisis. His new "memories" of events are so off the mark that sometimes I want to laugh, but then realize how this situation is horrible.
My husband had a freak lung cancer scare March 2014, but other than that there's been no significant losses. He is performing excellent at work. He still wants to spend time with the kids (but not so much on a dad level anymore).
It may have scared him.
Originally Posted By: Hopeing
He started with saying that I have controlled him the past 7 years, then it went to 15, and now it's back at 7.
He treats me like I am dead. Says he is dating himself.
I read so much and I question myself if he is in crisis, or maybe I am really that horrible. Most days I am 90% sure he is in crisis. His new "memories" of events are so off the mark that sometimes I want to laugh, but then realize how this situation is horrible.
All script. If you think 90% of the time he is in crisis then I am sure he is.
I never imagined my husband could ever be so mean to me. Everything he says is based on his view that I have "controlled" him for 7 years, and that he hasn't been himself for 7 years since my EA. Oddly enough, he was the same after the EA as he was before. I am the one who changed after my EA (became a much better wife to him and matured A LOT)
I would not treat my worst enemy the way he treats me (the cold indifference is very hard, especially when you have children with each other)
I never imagined my husband could ever be so mean to me. Everything he says is based on his view that I have "controlled" him for 7 years, and that he hasn't been himself for 7 years since my EA. Oddly enough, he was the same after the EA as he was before. I am the one who changed after my EA (became a much better wife to him and matured A LOT)
I would not treat my worst enemy the way he treats me (the cold indifference is very hard, especially when you have children with each other)
It's a horrid experience regardless. I feel so much for you, I'm going through something very similar with H. We've been married 15 years, he's a high-performer at work (technical), has had an affair (I think it's over, but don't know for sure), hired an attorney and asked him (I saw the e-mail) if he could keep me out of the marital home by filing for a divorce while I was away at school last November.
It is stunning - it's like the person you have slept next to and regarded as the one to have your back for so many years, is possessed by aliens. And they are just as cold and inhumane as the ones you see in scary movies on TV.
We are in counseling and H presents stories from the past that are distorted and factually incorrect. Then he is all happy and relaxed after getting it off his chest, while I feel like I was stomped on. Fortunately, the counselor (DB-therapist) confronts him and asks him very direct questions. But sometimes I leave counseling and feel more pessimistic than ever.
His pet peeve has also been about me being controlling. He wants to be free to live like a bachelor, not have to answer to anyone. OW woman lives several states away and he's thinking he can have a casual R with her and be free to party with the guys here. He's 60 - I guess you're never too old, eh?
The funny thing is, he's pretty controlling himself ... Like he'll turn off the light when he goes up the stairs even if I'm coming behind him. He resented that I bought a summer dress at a thrift store for $3.99 (he makes 100k/year). The kids (stepkids and my son) and I have wanted to move from the area we live in for 15 years. He refuses. And so on ...
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Hopeing people tell themselves stories in their heads to rationalize their behaviors. It is how they protect themselves and approve their actions.
That's exactly what I said to my husband last fall. That he had to vilify me and denigrate what we had to make himself feel less guilty about what he was doing.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
