new here.... burned out.

[YBT]

Sorry. I'm on my phone and it's hard for me to write more than a few sentences on here. Ha!

Yes I do mean to say I don't have someone to borrow money from. Most of my friends are paycheck to paycheck. It's ironic that they've spotted me money to go out to lunch when we are well off. Not rich, but we are comfortable. But beyond $5 here and there, no I have no one I can borrow money from. I know counselling services here are about $200 a pop and they want you in weekly. But if it's a certain amount for the calls or whatever I may be able to quietly pull that from my business account. I just need some time to save up for it. How much are we talking does anyone know? H is home, it's almost kickball time, so I can't browse around to look it up right now. I'm hiding in the kitchen to type this actually. Pathetic I know.

[YBT]

Never mind I found it. That will take me a long time to save up $720 on the sly. But I will try. I am also intimidated. Have any of you tried to make a 5 min phone call with a toddler and other small children in the house? A 50 min call that I am paying for sounds awful. I mean, you can't leave the toddler alone and lock yourself in the closet and if I schedule it for nap time that will be when she won't nap. Ha!! I need to think this through.

[raliced]

I understand you don't have your own money and can't ask H. Let me be more direct- are you telling me you don't have a friend in this world that will spring you a few hundred dollars for 3 divorce coaching sessions at this time in crisis? Which is more important, your discomfort asking for help or your M?

YBT - I have a different take on this. If you're married - it is your money too. And if you're not afraid of your husband then it is a question of you standing up for yourself. Something like - "H this isn't working for me - I understand that you are having a difficult time but I am as well. I am exhausted from looking after the house and children all day. I will be hiring a babysitter on X day so that I can attend to my health."

Don't ask his permission.

[Zues126]

I don't disagree with raliced's approach above or any of the comments about how your H has been a controlling jerk.

I do think there is more to this sitch than just telling him to get bent.

[Zues126]

"Anyway, things were tense for a bit but they eased back into normalcy. I thought it was him being ok, but it turns out it was him ignoring problems............SO I think things are fine, but he goes through periods of being icy and being ok."

This is what you wrote regarding your H. I don't pretend to have your interpersonal dynamics figured out. My point was that this is a complex issue and that every wiggle he takes your direction isn't the best measure of progress. For one, progress would be breaking out of this pattern. For another, tying your emotions to his every action will prevent you from detaching.

As for initiating affection, or talks about the two of you...one common theme of the 37 rules is "no pursuing". The 37 rules are the top sticky thread and a must read...usually multiple times a day until they're ingrained.

[raliced]

I don't disagree with raliced's approach above or any of the comments about how your H has been a controlling jerk.

I do think there is more to this sitch than just telling him to get bent.

I missed the part where I advised telling him to get bent.

YBT - I am going to bow out here. In my opinion you need to stand up for yourself and work on saving yourself before focusing on saving the marriage. The situation you are living in is not normal or healthy.

Take care of yourself and your children.

[Zues126]

I don't disagree with raliced's approach above or any of the comments about how your H has been a controlling jerk.

I do think there is more to this sitch than just telling him to get bent.

I missed the part where I advised telling him to get bent.

YBT - I am going to bow out here. In my opinion you need to stand up for yourself and work on saving yourself before focusing on saving the marriage. The situation you are living in is not normal or healthy.

Take care of yourself and your children.

Sorry Raliced, I can see how you would think I was directing that comment at you. I meant to agree with you that she doesn't need to beg for permission to get the help she needs. My comment about the complexity of the situation was referring to earlier posts from various people remarking that her H was an abusive jerk. While it's absolutely that he's acting that way I hope she can see what options she has to change herself and their relationship before she exits it as that's why she's on this site. But it's clear the status quo can't continue which is why I am strongly in favor detachment and professional involvement.

[pilot]

It may seem like progress. But how can there really be progress when the real issues within him have not been addressed by him? You are here, which means you are at least trying to work on yourself. Getting back to where you "were" is not progress because where you "were" is what got you here. Dont get me wrong, pleasant interaction is definitely better than angry confrontations. But do not mistake them for reconciliation. It took a long time for the two of you to get where you are today, and it will take some time to get to where you want to be.

Dont be discouraged, just be aware there is no quick fix. You are going to get great advice and support here. You have already heard from two who say they related to your H. Since these behaviors seem to follow a script, you can gain an enormous amount of insight from these guys as to what goes on in the mind of your H. Take it from sandi who almost every LBH yearns to hear from.

Keep posting, and keep your chin up. Focus on you.

[Elly4]

YBT, the baby steps that you are seeing might be nice, but many of us on here have seen a consistent pattern of nice behavior followed by backpedaling by our spouses.

That's why it's important to focus on just you. Question for you about counseling. Do you have insurance? Most insurances, at least in the US, I'm not sure where you are cover counseling and then you just have your copay. There is also family services or other programs that might help you out in your situation, even if your H makes a lot of money.

As for paying for a babysitter, I say set a boundary and tell him that you are going to do it.

[Maybell]

Hi, YBT.

I read your first post carefully and skimmed the rest, so if I missed something please point it out to me.

I will say though, that in many ways your sitch reminds me almost painfully of my own sitch three years ago. Very strongly. My STBX (more on that in a moment) was as absent and self-absorbed as yours, though he was kind of free with money, because throwing money at me to do what I wanted was a way of keeping me off his back. In every other way, he was very similar to your H, and my life was a lot like yours. Being thought of as a nice guy is pretty important to my STBX.

My STBX did all the same things as yours -- demand for perfection, desire for dinners to always be fresh (no leftovers allowed), kids quiet, nothing demanded of him... Xbox, phone, happy hours, the whole bit. Workaholic, just like yours. I totally feel you.

I admit, I'm a little puzzled as to how to advise you.

When I was in your place I would NEVER have considered leaving him. I wasn't happy and he took advantage of me constantly, but I always hoped my love and desire to please would pay off. If anyone had suggested that my life was not reasonable, I would have been astounded.

Turns out he was cheating on me. I'll never know how much or when or where. I'll never know the significance of all those happy hours, but eventually everything blew up and now we're going to divorce and I feel SO MUCH LIGHTER. I am stronger. My kids are happier in some ways and sad in others but I think in the long run this is better. I have the opportunity to be the parent I always wanted to be. Perhaps you understand me?

But you are here to save your marriage and I completely get it and I'm not sure you're wrong.

The trick is, YBT, this marriage will never support YOU as things ARE. He must change, as pilot points out. I don't well know how to advise you.

Here is what I observe:
* alienating you from family and refusing you access to marital funds IS abusive. You will see no reasonable argument against that. There are free resources for women in your position and you might consider consulting those at least to learn your options.
* ditto with finding therapy. You don't have the objectivity you need for yourself right now. I totally understand your childcare position. 100%. are you a churchgoer? Every church I've attended provided childcare assistance for specific programs. Consider consulting with a pastor for counseling that might provide childcare you'd be surprised at how much assistance you can get if you ask for it.
* organize a babysitting swap with friends. We used to use a credit system where you get time by providing care for your friends kids. This could help with some of your immediate needs.

There is more I could say but I feel like I'm speaking to my younger self and I want to think on this some before I say more. I think good therapy could help you. Posting here will help you if that's what you're aiming for. But you need to place yourself higher on the ladder of priorities, even if you have to work around your H in order to implement what you need to make that happen.

YOU ARE WORTH IT. FIND YOUR VALUE. BELIEVE IN YOUR VALUE. SHOW HIM YOU VALUE YOURSELF.

I doubt asking anything of him will get you anywhere and I'm not going to try to read your future. I also asked my STBX if he'd be ok with our daughter's imaginary future husband treating her as he was treating me and he got defensive and dodged the question. Doesn't matter. Until WE show our daughters how to value themselves they won't learn that lesson. I couldn't do any of this for myself, but I'd walk on hot coals for my kids. I know you would too. Value yourself and take steps to demonstrate your value for yourself. It's way easier than walking on hot coals.

Hugs to you, YBT. I know you need them.