Journaling: W called again after picking up D4 from school. W just called to tell me a story from D4's school and that she was taking the kids to a special princess store. We joked about that for a moment and then I reminded W to get some rest before work. W thanked me.
In addition, W has sent me a pic and a video of the kids this morning.
A lot of effort by W here to keep me in the friend zone. I know it doesn't mean a thing however. Just an observation...
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Yes...your wife is very vested in keeping the friendship and her daily relationship with you and the kids intact.
Divorce doesn't work like that.
If you want to give her a sample of what life will really be like plan, without giving her notice or "at the last moment" a camping trip or something like that with the kids. You want to go somewhere that basically you'll be completely out of touch for 2 days. It would be great if it was a couple days that she was off work and having to sit around idle wondering about the good time you were having and what the kids were doing.
Take your phone but let her know it's a technology free weekend and you'll be turning it off (because there is no cell service anyway) and you'll be checking in on Sunday while driving home.
Might be kind of hard to take a 1 year old camping but come up with something where you just have no cell service.
By doing it last minute she'll also wonder if there's someone special with you or that you're maybe meeting up with. Let her wonder. Might even be funny to ask some strangers to take pictures of you and the kids and let her wonder about who's running the camera again.
Your wife really isn't understanding the full consequences of her choices. Once this divorce process gets more acrimonious this little "trip" might not work as well.
Also...will switching to the day shift at the same hospital really help? OM still works there. She could just be switching to a group of co-workers naive about her "special relationship" with Dr. OM. You'll never know. Discuss if you can with her the concept of "getting a fresh start" and whether that can ideally be achieved by just switching floors and shifts. Why not...AT THE SAME TIME...apply for other positions at other hospitals, clinics, etc. She may be surprised to find something better and more ideal for a soon to be divorced single mom. Why not apply to numerous places?
This could also parlay into a discussion about why not BOTH of you get a fresh start somewhere else? Divorced or not...you could both move across town or out of state. You also aren't exactly thrilled with everyone knowing you couldn't satisfy your wife and she cheated on you (I'm purposefully suggesting saying that not because it's the least bit true ...afffairs aren't about the BS...I suggest it solely because it MAY stoke an empathy response from your wife whereby she has to say things like "that's not true dear you were a wonderful husband and lover" and gives her a window into the fact you are not some emotionless stoic man).
One of your wife's remaining primary objections seems to be associated with her feelings of loss of her integrity and not being about to face a life with you (and, presumably your friends and family). Have any of your friends gone through this?? They may not say it but have any reached out to you and have been more supportive than the others? They could be a couple that's already recovered and the wife might be a good candidate to talk to your wife and explain that although she's done an awful thing, that her reputation can be restored and her integrity and self worth reclaimed depending on how she reacts, changes and makes amends for those mistakes. Her [wayward] actions may define her NOW as she is in the midst of the behavior but if she changes her course of action then her [repentant] actions (contrition, retribution, accepting responsibility, seeking forgiveness) will THEN define her as (once again) a kind, decent, redeemed, holy person who lost their moral and ethical bearings for a stretch of time.
She's NOT the only person in the world that has sinned gravely. There is a path to regaining her integrity; however, that path doesn't involve wayward unjustified divorce.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Yes...your wife is very vested in keeping the friendship and her daily relationship with you and the kids intact.
Divorce doesn't work like that.
If you want to give her a sample of what life will really be like plan, without giving her notice or "at the last moment" a camping trip or something like that with the kids. You want to go somewhere that basically you'll be completely out of touch for 2 days. It would be great if it was a couple days that she was off work and having to sit around idle wondering about the good time you were having and what the kids were doing.
Take your phone but let her know it's a technology free weekend and you'll be turning it off (because there is no cell service anyway) and you'll be checking in on Sunday while driving home.
Might be kind of hard to take a 1 year old camping but come up with something where you just have no cell service.
By doing it last minute she'll also wonder if there's someone special with you or that you're maybe meeting up with. Let her wonder. Might even be funny to ask some strangers to take pictures of you and the kids and let her wonder about who's running the camera again.
Your wife really isn't understanding the full consequences of her choices. Once this divorce process gets more acrimonious this little "trip" might not work as well.
Also...will switching to the day shift at the same hospital really help? OM still works there. She could just be switching to a group of co-workers naive about her "special relationship" with Dr. OM. You'll never know. Discuss if you can with her the concept of "getting a fresh start" and whether that can ideally be achieved by just switching floors and shifts. Why not...AT THE SAME TIME...apply for other positions at other hospitals, clinics, etc. She may be surprised to find something better and more ideal for a soon to be divorced single mom. Why not apply to numerous places?
This could also parlay into a discussion about why not BOTH of you get a fresh start somewhere else? Divorced or not...you could both move across town or out of state. You also aren't exactly thrilled with everyone knowing you couldn't satisfy your wife and she cheated on you (I'm purposefully suggesting saying that not because it's the least bit true ...afffairs aren't about the BS...I suggest it solely because it MAY stoke an empathy response from your wife whereby she has to say things like "that's not true dear you were a wonderful husband and lover" and gives her a window into the fact you are not some emotionless stoic man).
One of your wife's remaining primary objections seems to be associated with her feelings of loss of her integrity and not being about to face a life with you (and, presumably your friends and family). Have any of your friends gone through this?? They may not say it but have any reached out to you and have been more supportive than the others? They could be a couple that's already recovered and the wife might be a good candidate to talk to your wife and explain that although she's done an awful thing, that her reputation can be restored and her integrity and self worth reclaimed depending on how she reacts, changes and makes amends for those mistakes. Her [wayward] actions may define her NOW as she is in the midst of the behavior but if she changes her course of action then her [repentant] actions (contrition, retribution, accepting responsibility, seeking forgiveness) will THEN define her as (once again) a kind, decent, redeemed, holy person who lost their moral and ethical bearings for a stretch of time.
She's NOT the only person in the world that has sinned gravely. There is a path to regaining her integrity; however, that path doesn't involve wayward unjustified divorce.
GB, I'm trying very hard right now to detach. That involves keeping my motivations in check and not just doing things to get a reaction from STBXW.
Nonetheless, I do have a camping trip planned for next week with D4 and some friends. STBXW and I had planned a family vacation for this week sometime last year. She might feel something while D4 are camping without her and S1. However, that's not for me to worry about.
As far as STBXW applying for new jobs at the same hospital, I'm pretty sure it has a ton to do with getting a fresh start from the drama and rumors caused by her A at her current position. It might have something to do with STBXW realizing how difficult it will be to coparent two kids while working the night shift. As far as me asking her to change hospitals or move, I can't imagine her being receptive to that suggestion at this time. However, this could be an option down the line if there is an interest in reconciliation.
Not sure if any of STBXW's previous friends would qualify for providing clear headed advice right now. STBXW has essentially cut off all meaningful contact with any friend who tried to advise her to end A and work on MR. There was one friend who was separated from her husband for a time and was able to reconcile. However, it got back to STBXW that this friend gossiped about the sitch after they talked. So I don't think that this friend is still an option either.
I'm pretty sure that STBXW is getting a lot of "advice" and support from anybody, including MIL, who agrees with her side of the story and is in favor of D though.
In regards to STBXW finding her way back to the straight and narrow, I'm convinced that it's completely out of my hands now. All I can do is work on self betterment and be the best father possible. I have found comfort in the Lighthouse story during this period.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
"In regards to STBXW finding her way back to the straight and narrow, I'm convinced that it's completely out of my hands now. All I can do is work on self betterment and be the best father possible. I have found comfort in the Lighthouse story during this period."
Exactly. I just wrote this on Lucy's thread and I think it applies somewhat to you...
"The Solo Partner is a great book that talks about the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic. The only way to get to a Distancer is by turning the table. Make the Distancer become the Pursuer by the Pursuer becoming the Distancer."
Have a fun camping Defacto!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
I have found comfort in the Lighthouse story during this period.
Just remember that lighthouses don't go running all over the island trying to shine their lights at ships!
Cadet, Thanks for the reply. Are you referring to me pursuing other women or something else?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Exactly. I just wrote this on Lucy's thread and I think it applies somewhat to you...
"The Solo Partner is a great book that talks about the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic. The only way to get to a Distancer is by turning the table. Make the Distancer become the Pursuer by the Pursuer becoming the Distancer."
Have a fun camping Defacto!
I've seen this book recommended so many times, I figured it was time to order it. Done. Thanks for the support and recommendation!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
I think GB, mahhhty and Cadet have given solid advice.
I also want to wish you fun on your camping trip!
Thanks again for your post in my thread.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I have found comfort in the Lighthouse story during this period.
Just remember that lighthouses don't go running all over the island trying to shine their lights at ships!
Cadet, Thanks for the reply. Are you referring to me pursuing other women or something else?
No the point is the lighthouse just stands there shining brightly with no expectations and patiently waiting.
Originally Posted By: Defacto
Originally Posted By: mahhhty
Exactly. I just wrote this on Lucy's thread and I think it applies somewhat to you...
"The Solo Partner is a great book that talks about the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic. The only way to get to a Distancer is by turning the table. Make the Distancer become the Pursuer by the Pursuer becoming the Distancer."
Have a fun camping Defacto!
I've seen this book recommended so many times, I figured it was time to order it. Done. Thanks for the support and recommendation!
For anyone else reading here I really dont think you need to buy the book. Read the pursuit and distance thread and it has all you really need to know.
I recently had a conversation with the author of the book and he wrote this to me
Originally Posted By: pdelucca
We are born, in my experience, either a pursuer or distancer. environment merely moderates the severity but does not change what we are. Pursuers and distancers change around different people and events. However, around your primary relationships our true self comes out since this is what we seek most intensely and intimately. You can see this when you track people in different relationships. They end up with the same patterns and same people, just in different skin.
and also this
Originally Posted By: Pdelucca
Pursuers, like myself, have a difficult time distancing. we are made for relationships, connections. Not to pursue forces us to deal with our own incompleteness and emptiness, or fill it in with other things or people. Pursuers, and distancers, are on a scale of 1-10, Ten being the most severe. Pursuers in the 7-10 range have the most issues and the most extreme loneliness/emptiness, thus the need to fill it in. We run from ourselves but never quite escape. I am probably about an 8, so I know of what I speak.
He also says that we need to change our core selves to stop being pursurers, easier said than done.
Exactly. I just wrote this on Lucy's thread and I think it applies somewhat to you...
"The Solo Partner is a great book that talks about the Pursuer/Distancer Dynamic. The only way to get to a Distancer is by turning the table. Make the Distancer become the Pursuer by the Pursuer becoming the Distancer."
Have a fun camping Defacto!
I've seen this book recommended so many times, I figured it was time to order it. Done. Thanks for the support and recommendation!
The ACTION of going away and being out of reach is actually a distancing type action and this book is basically a strategy for getting your spouse back by being a "distancer" and having your wife innately then "pursue" you as a result.
I was just tying to sell it to you as a way to make her think when this distancer/pursuer angle probably would work better. She's got no reason to pursue you at all right now...she's still got you in her pocket everyday. Getting away and out of cell service is just a taste of what life will really be like (for her AND you) and may stimulate her inner pursuer. May not...either way, you'll legitimately have a nice weekend with your kid and without having to "journal" what your wife said and talked about.
I wouldn't recommend buying the book (I don't want you to ever be that divorced guy with 25 books on his wall about how to get his cheating ex-wife back ~~~ maybe, part of detaching might be to be discerning about what you choose to read). It's essentially an ebook and kind of an easy concept that you can get from Michele's books about detaching and by reading up on DB's discussion of the Mr. DeLuca's book. Here's an old DB thread on the subject The Dance of Pursuit Solo Partner DB Thread :
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
