W says she plans to file this week. Here are the tidbits of the letter she wrote: "After a lot of consideration and prayer over the matter, I'm proceeding with filing for D this week. There have been a lot of things that have gone into my decision. I'm not discounting any of the things that we've discussed over the past few months, most importantly, our sons well being. Although I love you, I cannot find the love again that a wife needs to be a strong support and companion to her husband. It would not be fair to you, to continue on this way. I'm sorry that I have not been able to. I've experienced terrible pain over the loss of what we had and also our present, and how I know you are feeling about this. I know that there is a lot ahead of big stuff ahead of us. I've been actively searching for another place to live and have not found one yet, however I am prepared to move in with my parents. I'm not interested in fighting you on anything throughout this process and that is still my intent. I don't want to take anything away from you that I don't have to."
We discussed the intent to file that night. it did get heated between us both as we argued some over details and the fact that I felt she was leaving because she is involved with OM. She packed up her car and was planning to leave that night. I apologized and cooled down the situation. Then something seemed to change within her. I discussed a new marriage with her for an hour. She cried, said she would sleep on it, we hugged very tight.
The next morning W said the night before that she was very saddened by the situation and how she was hurting me and how I was feeling but that she was not changing her mind on filing. We argued back and forth a again. I backed off arguing as she said I was pressuring her by asking her to reconsider, we parted ways. She went to her pastoral council appointment and came back saying the pastor continues to encourage her to go the direction she feels God is giving her peace about which is D as remaining M to me gives her much anxiousness. She did say however she could not file now this week due to money issues and being at work. (The money issue is not true as she plans to do a $125 online filing). She agreed to go with me to see my new Therapist that afternoon to discuss filing. My therapist spent an hour telling W that the marriage was very fixable and could be saved. She said your H is on the right path for permanent change and I am asking you to hold off on filing and lets work together together to save this M as it is worth it. She explained to my W her experiences dealing with divorced families and how it affected children and adults for life. She asked her multiple times to reconsider and delay. The W cried a lot but remained firm in her talk that she was done and could give no more to the M. We had a quiet car ride and evening at home with our S. I said nothing, applied no pressure. I sent an email today apologizing for applying pressure during our discussions about filing. I said I would continue to work on doing better by not pressuring her with any situation. I told her that she was welcome to stay living in our home under current arrangements. Thoughts?
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
We discussed the intent to file that night. it did get heated between us both as we argued some over details and the fact that I felt she was leaving because she is involved with OM.
The next morning W said the night before that she was very saddened by the situation and how she was hurting me and how I was feeling but that she was not changing her mind on filing. We argued back and forth a again. I backed off arguing as she said I was pressuring her by asking her to reconsider, we parted ways.
She agreed to go with me to see my new Therapist that afternoon to discuss filing. My therapist spent an hour telling W that the marriage was very fixable and could be saved. She said your H is on the right path for permanent change and I am asking you to hold off on filing and lets work together together to save this M as it is worth it. She explained to my W her experiences dealing with divorced families and how it affected children and adults for life. She asked her multiple times to reconsider and delay. The W cried a lot but remained firm in her talk that she was done and could give no more to the M.
Stop. Trying. To. Control. Your. Wife.
You seem to think that you have done something right by 'backing off', but you only backed off because you couldn't pound herinto doing what you wanted her to do. It is clear that despite everything she says you are ten times more focused on how you feel and why she's wrong than you are on trying to understand what she feels. The result is that you only force her to voice her opinions more loudly and cement her position. And to feel justified that as long as she's with you she can never be her own person because you will beat her into submission.
I reacted the same way...for the FIRST night. Then I found DB and FOLLOWED THE 37 RULES.
Even still she didn't return...yet...but that is because it is a LONG journey, not a quick fix.
If you are serious about this road you will have to realize you don't get to follow your emotions. That approach got you here. You will have to play by the rules, let her go, and take care of yourself. The "I want what I want when I want it" addict mentality is just proving her right. If you want her to be able to think she made a mistake at some point you'll have to show her that with you behavior, not tell her with words which is more of the same.
Are you ready to start over and follow the path in front of you?
PS- Divorce or no divorce I am glad you're abstaining and trying to deal with this to the best of your ability. No one can take that away from you and I understand it's not easy. I just would like to see you save your M. Telling yourself 'you're doing your best doesn't get your M back. By the way, are you still abstaining?
Last edited by Cadet; 05/07/1506:29 AM. Reason: fix quote bracket
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues: I've done great for 30 plus days until the last 24hrs. I took a few steps back but I'm not giving up on trying to do better. Yes, still obstaining. Still improving, went backwards though with this filing thing Therapy has been going great!
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
OK. In. That. Case. I’ll. Ease. Up. With. The. Dramatic. Sentences.
It was a backslide for sure, but we’re all human. What’s just as important is that you don’t let a slip become a slide. Good for you for not throwing it in.
Now that you’re letting your W go and are focusing on you, can you share more about what you’re working on with your IC? GAL activities? 180s?
Let's shift away from W and back to Parker!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
When do I write her a letter? Anything else I can do before she files? New therapist said the last shred of hope is to not control or manipulate anything. Be loving, caring, respectful.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
You can take a deep breath and step back. Keep working on yourself and continue with your changes, regardless of what she does. You pressuring her right now will not help at all.
(In the U.S anyway) Those online filing services don't actually file the paperwork for you, they just prepare the paperwork and you submit it to the courts.(Don't quote me, just my experience) So she will likely need to pay both the service and the court to file. For my W, that online service took nearly 2 months to prepare the paperwork and even then they messed it up to the point the court house rejected it when she tried to file. Not hard to realize when the child care plan only lists one of our two children. She ended up paying the service nearly $300 for nothing.
Even if the service prepared the paperwork quickly for her there's generally minimum waiting periods (6 months in my state) before a judgement of D can be entered. They do this when there are minor children in the household, for their own well being.
Time, you still have that gift. Continue to work on yourself, but don't be in denial about whats happening either. Anythings possible.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I've had this piece of paper in my wallet since a few weeks after BD and for some reason your situation made me think of it. Its something I've been thinking about for the last week also since I'm at that point as-well of letting go.
I have no clue where I printed it off, or who wrote it, but it seems it could be useful for you right now also. Information you likely already know, but its good to read it again. The fear part is important because you are in a position where you want to do something to save it, but it will come across as pressure and control.
"The one thing that might save it is to let go. Step back, put the focus on yourself for a while, work on any issues you might have, get yourself into a physically and mentally healthy place. No begging her to come back, no desperate phone calls or emails. When you communicate, keep it about necessary business with your children, finances, whatever.
Letting go requires overcoming fear, and fear often leads to controlling, which often happens without our even realizing it. When things become controlling the other usually wants to escape.
It sounds like shes's growing and healing long-term wounds. She needs the room to grow. You have to give her that room.
She may not come back, just accept it. The best shot at overcoming is letting go and if she comes back, she will come back on her own."
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Great advice Fogg. Pretty much where I'm at. My son and I gave her an awesome day today. Picnic, some of her favorite things, handmade cards. My S gave her s foot massage and a "spa" day the best a 9 year old can. She seemed to enjoy the attention. She deserves it. Knowing very well none of this will bring her back, just wanted to give her a great day as she has to work tomm on Mother's Day. Gotta keep working on me, pouring into my son and moving forward.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
Gotta keep working on me, pouring into my son and moving forward.
Hello parker,
I agree with you...Fogg gave you some great advice. The sentence of yours I quoted above is a very important aspect of DB'ing, as you know.
It took me a long time to really "get it" when it came to this.
Good for you! Keep up the good work. I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
