I've been married almost 8 years. My wife and I have two boys, ages 4 and 2. We've had a really rough year, including: relocating across the country, myself starting a new job, buying a new house, the hospitalization of our 2 year old, and a 5 month job-related separation as I attended an academy. When I returned from the academy, that night I got the jaw-dropping, life-shattering "I'm not in love with you anymore. I want to get a job and move out. I want to date other people." This caught me, and her extremely close-knit family, by complete surprise. She is still living with me, but is having an emotional affair at the very least (not sure if it's become physical yet) and she's still intent on not attempting to save, or work on, our marriage and she still intends to move out as soon as she is able. About 4 days ago I began the Last Resort / 180 technique after a month of zero progress or change from her.
I have a zillion questions but here are some of the first i can think of:
1. Now that I'm doing the 180, should I still wear my wedding ring? I want to, to my mind it says "i've kept my oath and i always will, i'm still committed to our marriage". (She of course hasnt been wearing hers). Or should I stop wearing it as a frightening (to her) token that I'm "moving on"?
2. One of the points of the 180 is don't seek help from her family. What if I don't have to seek help from her family? Her parents, grand-parents, 3 sisters, and 3 brothers-in-law are 100 percent behind our marriage. In her mind they've taken "my side". But as everyone has attempted to explain to her they are taking "the side" of the marriage and what's best for her, me, and our children. Now as I begin the 180 and begin to "move on", they're all wondering what they should do? Her mother is trying to keep lines of communication open, listening to her, but also trying to speak some sense to her. Her father isn't really talking to her because he wants to strangle her. And the reactions of her sisters sort of range between the actions of their parents. So, advice for the family? Back off, or keep up the communication? Is it appropriate for her father to lecture her? (historically when he lectures her, she listens). Or will this create a sort of Romeo-Juliet effect, where it only drives her further away?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have a zillion questions but here are some of the first i can think of:
1. Now that I'm doing the 180, should I still wear my wedding ring? I want to, to my mind it says "i've kept my oath and i always will, i'm still committed to our marriage". (She of course hasnt been wearing hers). Or should I stop wearing it as a frightening (to her) token that I'm "moving on"?
2. One of the points of the 180 is don't seek help from her family. What if I don't have to seek help from her family? Her parents, grand-parents, 3 sisters, and 3 brothers-in-law are 100 percent behind our marriage. In her mind they've taken "my side". But as everyone has attempted to explain to her they are taking "the side" of the marriage and what's best for her, me, and our children. Now as I begin the 180 and begin to "move on", they're all wondering what they should do? Her mother is trying to keep lines of communication open, listening to her, but also trying to speak some sense to her. Her father isn't really talking to her because he wants to strangle her. And the reactions of her sisters sort of range between the actions of their parents. So, advice for the family? Back off, or keep up the communication? Is it appropriate for her father to lecture her? (historically when he lectures her, she listens). Or will this create a sort of Romeo-Juliet effect, where it only drives her further away?
Thanks for your help, VingT
Sorry you are here ... there are some amazing people here who can help you but thought I would just chime in here on the #1 and 2
#1 ... The ring, thing is you can do as you want, you can only control your actions and reactions to events. What ever you decide as far as the ring goes do it for you ... NOT to get a reaction out of you W, infact this holds true with your 180's, GAL, PMA, you do it for YOU .. not to get/control her to act or react a certain way.
#2 As far as the family, and if I read it correct .. Her family. Again ... I would not share any intel, if they ask you say .. "Is W having an A" the typical resopnse should be "You would have to ask her about that" .... this removes you from being the 'hated' one, in fact if you read the books you should be knee deep in GAL, PMA and mixing in your 180's ... not pointing out what you are doing along the way, sure you want her to notice but not by physically opening her eyes to it.
Keep posting and sharing .. this board is amazing.
VingT, sorry you are here. I'm in a similar situation. I'm a year since BD. You will find some great advice on this board.
Rings - I took mine off a couple of months after BD. I struggled with the same thing you are struggling with. I made a commitment and I intended to keep it until the end. I then realized that W had made it abundantly clear to me that she wanted out of the M. I don't remember making a conscious decision to not wear it. I just didn't put it on one day before work and that was that.
Her family - in a way, you are lucky to have their support, but it may make her angrier that they are "behind" you. I don't see a problem keeping up communication with them but as CaliGuy mentioned, don't share your DB'ing strategy. My in-laws (who thought the world of me) have completely shut me out of their lives. It's sad really. Just remember, her family can't control what your W does any more than you can.
Keep posting and good luck.
Me: 34 W: 30 Together: 11 years Married: 4 years BD: 4/2014 A Discovered: 5/2014 WW Filed: 7/2014 Separated: 8/2014 Divorced: 10/2015
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for all the advice folks. I do have the DR book, am only about 1/2 way through which is where I learned about the 180. I'll keep wearing the ring because IT IS meaningful to ME. Cadet, thanks for all the links, I will read through it all tonight. Thanks for the support everyone!
As others have written, I'm sorry that you have to be here but you have come to the right place. There are some very knowledgeable vets on this forum.
I can't think of any other advice at the moment other than to post as often as you can.
Hang in there - I wish you well.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
For the W's family, keep the lines of communication open. Just be mindful that they are her family and that there will be some communication between them that doesn't include you.
You'll want the relationships to be intact regardless of what happens for your kid's sake.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
When you say you are doing a 180, what are you doing differently that you were not doing before?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
Last edited by Cristy; 05/16/1601:15 PM.
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